Finding ways to make money from home.
Huh. Hey, is something burning? Smell that?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit! shit! [Laughs]
[Smoke alarm beeping]
Not my hole. [Both laughing]
You just let it burn?
[He turned around and see two bottles of vodka that she is drinking too much.] You're shitfaced.
Since when is a felony for a Gallagher to drink?
Calm down. It's my fault. I brought the vodka.
Oh, and poured it down her throat?
You're the one who told me to relax. SOMEBODY SHUT THAT THING UP! [She continues laughing]
[Smoke alarm continues beeping]
Fuck. Burn the house down, okay? Burn the food too, you know, I can always steal some more from my shitty work-study job, right?
I'm going through something here.
Yeah, it looks like you went through about five beverages in an hour, Fiona. Have another one. Why not? You're your own woman. Right? No, bang the boss's brother. Leave coke out on the table for the kids. Get arrested. Do whatever the fuck you need to do. I've got this. Hey, Carl, go upstairs, get your toothbrush and something to sleep in.
He has the suspension meeting tomorrow.
Oh, no worries. No worries. I'll get him to Shelia's on time. Stay up all night studying? I mean, what the fuck? It's just an applied physics quiz. Where's Debbie?
She's at Sheila's with Sammi.
You're not answering your phone?
I didn't hear it. What's up?
What. Oh, s***. Wish us luck.
There's something burning.
Go-- no. Hey, come on. Lip, please. You don't have to take them.
Come on. What about dinner?
Enjoy. [As he leaves the house with Liam and close the door]
[Smoke alarm continues beeping]
[Sighs] Shut up! [Screams]
[Frank and Carl are in a meeting with all the boys Carl has assaulted and their parents and the school principal]
Frankly, Mr. Gallagher, your son's behavior has been among the most egregious I've seen at this school, and I've been here a long time. Don't look a day over 90. He terrorizes these students to the point that they move through my halls in fear. School should not be a palace of terror. It should be a temple of learning. If children do not feel safe, how can they learn?
She's asking me, Chipwich.
The only way to get through to Carl is have him face the truth of what he's done and let him absorb it in a meaningful way. Do that, okay? He can't just do it. He needs to actively engage. Got any suggestions?
He should apologize to my kid and every other kid here. Individually. Like he means it.
Oh, spare us the Wiener act. Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem. It teaches kids resilience. The world is a rough place. Bullying is like getting inoculated. It's a vaccine. And you little shit, you got to learn to stay away from people like my son. That's what you learn when you get punched in the face by a bully. How do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great? Bullies. And I guarantee Junior here will be getting the hottest chicks when he's 30 because he got bullied today. You want your kid to peak now? My kid will be picking up roadside garbage in an orange jumpsuit in ten years. Your kid will be in med school curing cancer and getting laid. You're welcome.
What if I want to cure cancer?
Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea from your cell mate. Spoken with love, son.
No, I try to make a point of not banging my roommate's girlfriend,
So, didn't stop you last time.
Until you weren't. And we're not banging. I'm a virgin.
No, I-I've heard you and Ron go at it plenty of times.
Backdoor only. I'm saving myself for my husband.
Right, and how would your husband feel about you having taken it in the seat like a porn star? Why'd you stop by here before class?
Admit it, because you were hoping I'd be here.
[Amanda has taken off her top with Lip in the dorm room and Ron has just walked in]
RRon
Excuse me, guys. Forgot my Spinoza. [Ron walks past the two to get his book and leaves the room]
[Lip runs out of the dorm room to follow Ron]
Hey, um-- Hey, listen, I'm-- I'm so sorry. Just let me explain.
RRon
It's okay, dude. You don't need to be sorry. I owe you one. I was starting to hear Amanda bark orders to me in my dreams.
RRon
The best part about getting a blow job from Amanda, ten minutes of silence. Come on, dude. Don't be late for class.
Familiar with the term "quid pro quo"?
Yeah, yeah, that's, uh that's Latin for "lick mine, and I'll lick yours," right?
Need you to meet my mom and dad for parents' weekend. Pretend we're together.
That's it? Just clean up for a dinner?
No, no clean up. In fact, wear that shirt with all the "fucks" on it. My parents started me on violin lessons when I was three. SAT prep when I was 12. I'm a walking stereotype. For Christ sakes, I'm a math major.
You know, you-- you could do a lot worse than parents that give a shit.
No, it's time my mom and dad know that I'm not gonna be programmed for med school like my older sister. I need to scare the living shit out of them.
My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something. Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fucking load in her.
MIMan in car
Boys. Ride around the block?
We look like a couple fags for sale to you?
Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shopping.
MIMan in car
You're in Boystown, outside a bar called The Fairy Tail.
Why don't you fuck off before I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist? [Mickey picks up a bottle, man drives off and Mickey throws it at the driver] Yeah, get going, you fucking fruit! Thinks he can buy whatever he wants 'cause he's got a fucking Rolex and an S-class. That shit happen to you a lot?
...
You have an econ quiz in two hours.
Uh, right, you know, about that, I-I couldn't help but notice the schedule.
Yeah, no, I thought it might have been you, and you broke it down into five-minute segments. I mean, who schedules something for 12:55?
So you can better manage your time.
Right, but you even put in preset bathroom breaks.
I synced it to your new phone.
Thank you. But seriously, this-- this schedule, it's just-- it's-- it's not me, okay? I'm not used to having my dumps planned out in advance. You know, it's-- I can't-- I can't regiment my life like that, all right?
That's why I'm doing it for you.
Okay, I guess I'm just more of a, uh, fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.
How's that working out for you?
How 'bout a quick BJ then?
BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes.
...
[Kenyatta walks up to Mickey walking down the street from Mickey's house]
Mandy, she here last night?
No, I was at work. I kept calling the house, no answer. Then I call her cell, she say she's at home. She with Lip?
You just keep putting two and two together, huh? Hey, good for you, Einstein.
[referring to Mickey's house] He in this motherfucker?
Nah, asshole's at college. It's a big place, lots of buildings. People go there to learn. Don't worry about it.
West Maxwell. [to Kenyatta while walking away] Hey, you planning on giving a beat down to every guy Mandy's been with? Your arms are gonna get fucking tired!
...
[Carl has just spraypainted "PRINCIPAL RAMIREZ IS CARL GALLAGERS (sic) BITCH" on the school lockers]
You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.
You know, you misspelled your last name.
[To an unnamed fellow student] Engels, a genius? More like Marx's glorified butt buddy. [Gets text message from Amanda: "Big scary black man coming for you" Lip sees Kenyatta in the distance who has spotted him] Shit. Shit, hold this. [Hands cigarette to student and starts running to main building, hides under table, and Kenyatta pulls him out by legs]
...
Okay, you didn't want that answer? Excuse me, excuse me. All right, look, we're done though. We're done. Okay? All right, I got a girlfriend.
Maybe I should do yours like you did mine.
Okay, but only in the ass, all right? She's saving herself.
[Campus security has pulled both Lip and Kenyatta apart] Let's see some ID. Both of you. You go to school here?
Look, I don't-- I don't know him, officers, okay? You know, he just-- he asked if I wanted to buy any crack, and when I said no...
Fuck you! [Kenyatta lunges for Lip only to be tased by security]
I shot a a Mac-10 before. But never one of those.
Need it to if we're gonna get the guy behind the counter to give us all the money in the register. You don't have to. I can do it alone.
Sure you're ready to pop your armed robbery cherry?
Yeah, I've done it lots of times before.
You're cute. Black or camo? [Holds up balaclavas]
...
HSHR secretary
How you holding up?
I've been better. I was wondering if, uh, instead of being fired for misconduct, you could make it so that I was downsized? I don't-- I wouldn't ask if I had any other options.
HSHR secretary
Let me see what I can do. [Mike's sister walks up to Fiona]
MSMike's sister
You have a hell of a lot of nerve. You know, I-I-I withheld judgment when my brother brought you home. I said to myself, "She can't help where she came from, how she was raised, who her parents are." My mom and dad invited you into their home. They let you sit at their table with our family, and in return you destroyed Mike. All of us. And now you come here and you ask if we will lie for you to the federal government. You think that you're a good person. You're not. Destroy your own family. And leave mine alone. [Fiona walks away looking fatalistic]
...
[Aiming gun at clerk] Empty the register!
CSConvenience store clerk
Is this a joke?
CSConvenience store clerk
Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna hand over my money to the lollipop guild. [Bonnie discharges her firearm destroying a tv] Whoa, shit! Holy fuck.
CSConvenience store clerk
Sorry. Okay? Take it.
You should have seen your face.
My family lives in there.
[Carl is wearing a joking face]
Oh, 'cause that would suck.
[Carl's face turns absolutely serious]
Oh, yeah. That's cool. Van.
[Chuckie is sleeping nearby in the boys bedroom]
What are we supposed to do with him?
We could drop him off at the butcher over at the Food 4 Less, see if they'll chop him up for bacon.
We having bacon for breakfast?
Nah, we're eating Chuckie.
She's sleeping with you now?
Your girlfriend sleeps with you.
Yeah, Amanda's 20, not 12.
I still don't want her sleeping with you.
She doesn't want to have sex, something about her mom's old boyfriend and a biker gang.
So you are Rainbow Boy now?
The fuck you do to your hair?
You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?
[Svetlana opens bathrobe to reveal a strap-on dildo]
Not when there's tits directly above it.
You want it up in your poop place?
No, I don't-- I want you-- fucking-- I want you to put it away. Can you put that away? Put that fucking thing away, please? Thank you.
Because he has a real penis?
I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick. Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penis is staring at you, hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America-- it's land of choices, yes? Freedom to be me. Freedom to be you. McDonald's, Burger King on same block. You choose. One, both. Shit, maybe we go to Wendy's instead.
[Lip and Amanda are eating at a breakfast diner late at night with Amanda's sorority and their dates after a ritual]
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Uh, no, the chanting part was kind of creepy. But hey, I look good in a suit, right? You know, I figured it was gonna be more wild toga party than coven.
Well, we're a bunch of engineering majors. Our parties usually consist of us watching Big Bang reruns and bleaching each other's mustaches.
