Hi. I'm taking up a collection to place fresh flowers on great Aunt Addie's grave. Would you like to make a contribution?
...
MMaVar
Hey, wait up. Hey, man, I saw what you did back there. Collecting money for fresh flowers? I want you to know I respect that a lot. You know, I know a good florist who can get us a bunch of flowers for a good price.
LiamI'm keeping this money.
MMaVar
What? Why would you do that?
Liam
I need it.
MMaVar
So do the people who gave it to you. You lied to them. Look, I- I been nothing but nice to you. Welcomed you with open arms. Don't you get it? We're family. But it's like the nicer I am to you, the nastier you get Why?
Liam
I don't know.
MMaVar
You don't know. What, you gonna tell me you can't help it? It's in your nature or some bullshit like that? No. I can't believe I wasted a single second on you. I believed in you. You're part of our family, and because of that, we would do anything for you anything. And you just spit in our faces. Don't you get it? Family is everything! And you finally get the chance to have one, and you just throw it all away. Well, you know what, Liam? Fuck you! [Walks away]
Liam
[Jabs index finger pointing] There it is. I knew it. You are from the South Side.
MMaVar
[Softly laughs and walks back] You think I like saying stuff like that? I don't curse. I hate saying things like that. Oh, well. I hate Gallaghers, man. You motherfuckers bring out the worst in everybody. What, you proud of that?
Liam
Hey, man, I know who I am.
Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Liam
Ew!
Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Hey, what's with the backpack?
It's for carrying things, genius.
It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
Liam
I don't keep money in there anymore, Frank, not after last time.
You kids got any formal wear with soul? All of this stuff looks like the garb of a colonizer, and I got a follow-up with the Okafurs. Aha. A little cultural awareness on my side of the table can't hurt. Are you busy today?
Liam
I'm gonna help Todd edit his highlight reel-
So no. Congratulations. I hereby appoint you the Gallagher special diplomatic envoy to Nigeria. Your first duty: help me sell a baby.
TNTV news reporter
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
OOopie
[Setting down bowls of cereal] Here you go. A proper breakfast. The sugar in this cereal will kill you. In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you before your diet does.
Was that Mickey this morning?
With a twink named Byron.
You know, like Ms. Del Rey's kid. Yoga pants and glitter. Eh, not always. But yeah, sure.
Liam
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people?
No. But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Shit. You're fսckеd, dude.
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults. It'll be fine.
[Comes in door with Lip] Hang on to your wallets, everyone. Lip is here.
OOopie
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece. Prettier- mwah- than Megyn Kelly and smarter too. Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream. Megyn Kelly? A blonde news host.
Liam
She thinks Santa's white.
Liam
No.
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning?
Liam
He's dating a twink now.
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh?
I- I didn't leave him at the altar.
LLLiam and Lip
Yes, you did.
I mean... It was City Hall. We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
OOopie
You made the right decision. Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
No. The air smells...clean.
Liam
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? [Sets do Freddie in kiddie pen] Oh, there you go.
GCGuidance counsellor
[Liam enters office] Sit down. We don't have current proof of residency on file for you.
Liam
So?
GCGuidance counsellor
So... how are we supposed to know you ain't committing fraud so you can go to this school?
Liam
You think someone would commit fraud to attend this shithole?
GCGuidance counsellor
My job is tied to how much paperwork is completed and how many files are current, so if your dad, Francis Gallagher, could just bring us a copy of his valid state-issued ID.
Liam
[Scoffs] He doesn't have a valid state ID.
GCGuidance counsellor
Okay, then copies of two utility bills in his name. All right, then he's gonna have to come in and sign this form attesting to his residence. If we don't get this, I'll have to remove you from school while we investigate this as a fraud case.
Liam
A vacation from this school? What's the downside?
GCGuidance counsellor
Any student removed from school triggers an automatic review by CPS. See the downside of a month or two in a state-run group home?
So when you moving to Milwaukee?
You don't sound very excited about it.
Yeah, well... it is Milwaukee. Free house, though, right? Yeah, I mean, it's a nice house. Nice neighborhood. Yard. Well, damn. Jackpot. Saw an actual birdhouse with birds in it. Uh, not drսg. Birds.
So, how's your dad? You know, don't think he's gonna be my best man.
Hey, what's up, punk? Ready for school?
Liam
Can't go to school until Frank signs a form.
Just drop out. I can't drop out. I'm ten.
Give it to me. I'll sign it.
Liam
Gotta be a parent.
I can fake Frank's signature.
Liam
School says that he has to sign it in person.
Well, you know where Frank is?
Liam
Living with some lady up in Glencoe. He drives a Rolls Royce.
Oh, good for him. Anyone want to go with me?
LILip, Ian and Mickey
No.
Liam
Mickey's the bride?
Liam
So you're the bride.
Liam
Who's wearing the white tux?
Gonna be a stressful day.
Frank walking you down the aisle?
Liam
Is he coming?
Liam
He's in Glencoe.
Great. I hope he stays there.
Hey. I gotta go out for a bit. You take your meds yet? It's gonna be a stressful day.
All right. Hey, we gotta meet at the Bamboo Lotus at two for photos.
Hey, how much did these tuxes cost?
Um, Mickey rented them at some fancy place downtown.
Where's Mickey getting all the money for this?
Liam
[Scoffs] "Savings"?
FMFlashback Mickey
[Bursts into a room full of underwear-clad women in a drug operation] On the floor, mοthеrfսckеr!
I don't really wanna know.
Liam
Father Pete marrying you?
Father Pete's Catholic. Pope won't let him marry gay people.
Liam
But Father Pete's gay. Lives in the rectory with the organist with the nipple ring.
Wait. The organist at Saint Sebastian's got a nipple ring?
Reverend Sally's doing the ceremony. She's Episcopalian. They'll marry anybody.
[Referring to shoes Liam is holding] Yeah, those are nice, right?
Liam
Mm-hmm. [Mickey and Ian kiss]
Liam
[At bathroom door with Carl brushing teeth] You get them anything for the wedding?
Liam
Not very imaginative. I wanna get them something special, but no money.
You can go in on the boxers with me. They got a honeymoon car?
Liam
What's a honeymoon car?
A car you take to your honeymoon. Eh, they'll probably just stay at the Love Canal for the night, take a bus or something. [Sits on toilet] Hey, you might wanna... Mm-hmm. I'm gonna take a deuce.
Liam
Yep.
[Knocking on bedroom doors] My birthday! Wake up! Wake up! I'm five!
[Franny comes down stairs] Hey, hey. Look who it is. The birthday girl.
[Sniffles, sighs] Presents?
Oh, no, no. It's not like Christmas, Franny. You're gonna get your presents tonight at your party. Oh. Hey. [Picks up Franny and carries her to kitchen] Come on. Let's go make some breakfast, huh? Whoof! Go sit! Yo, what up?
Liam
Why'd you guys sleep here last night?
Oh, the fumes at our new place from resurfacing the bathtub.
Liam
Good morning, Franny. Happy birthday.
Liam
No, don't touch.
Liam
I'm gonna sell them for cheap to the lunch debt kids.
Liam
Kids who run out of money on their food account. Can't eat the hot lunch till they pay up.
Is that even legal? Don't public schools have to feed the kids?
Liam
Yeah, but the lunch lady serves them gross shit like stale bread, government cheese, chunky pudding.
So you're capitalizing on the misfortunes of others by selling them your peanut butter sandwiches?
Liam
The American way. See you.
Hey, there's my sweet birthday princess! Who is five today?!
I don't know! She looks like a big girl. Did you grow overnight? Are you sure you're not 15?
Are you excited for your princess party?
I'm with Frans on this one.
Liam
How was your first day as a cop?
Pfft, seen more action playing Minecraft on the shitter.
[Eating cereal] This stuff is delicious.
Liam
You high?
As the Willis Tower. Fringe benefit of being the Alibi's chief quality control officer and weed sommelier. Gotta fuel up for a big day of pot purchases.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna choke her with her cargo pants until she's dead.
Liam
Still won't put on the dress?
Won't put on her dress, won't brush her hair, won't brush her teeth, won't pack her own backpack.
Why can't Little Miss Sunshine wear pants?
'Cause it's not Little Mr. Sunshine, Carl.
Liam
Sounds like gender conformity.
It's not my world, Liam. I just live in it.
Hey, look. Our new neighbors came to welcome us, even my pansy former son and his stink-dick boyfriend.
I guess the city must've made good on their threat to condemn our old house. That or the meth lab caught fire again.
Well, what are they doing here, though?
Terry's been banging the lady who owns this place for a couple of years. Calls it his plan B.
Mrs. McCurdy? She's, like, 90.
Gotta do what you gotta do, man.
Liam
Ugh. What's that smell?
That's the stench of abject poverty, son.
Actually, I think it might be those chickens.
Oh, no, those ain't chickens. Those are cocks. Like, for cockfighting?
They like it. If they don't die. It's natural for 'em. You know, it's fun.
Liam
We have to move. I don't wanna be the reason for the next Black Lives Matter march. I'll get Trayvon Martin-ed for sure if we stay here.
[A man is randomly firing off a kalashnikov assault rifle] Jesus!
Why's he shooting random shit?
[Laughs] Aw... He's playing "I Spy, You shoot."
It's a kids' game. Yeah, kid says, "I spy with my little eye that red stop sign," or whatever, and then the adult... shoot the stop sign. Get off your fucking high horses. Anybody here feel like they're the product of good parenting, raise your hand.
Okay, I don't have time for this shit. I gotta get Franny ready. Where is Franny?
Fuck it, just dump the used motor oil in the yard.
First comes crime, then drugs. Then they impregnate our women, take over our schools, drain and defraud our public safety nets, and finally, the introduction of some rare, communicable diseases which they brought from whatever exotic or savage place they originally came from.
Liam
Weren't they living, like, five minutes from here?
That's beside the point. Our pure immune systems can't handle a Milkovich virus this close. It's like living right next door to a nuclear waste dump. Sooner or later, the radiation's gonna get ya. This only ends with death.
Liam
We're gonna die? For real?
Odds just shot up considerably.
Liam
[Frank is in the shower] Frank, can I ask you something? [Frank grunts] Do you believe in God? I mean, the evidence is thin, but I think God is real... [Frank grunts] ...which means so is Hell. [Frank groans] Say you did something bad by accident. Do you still go down there and get tortured by demons?
[Pokes head aside of shower curtains] Little hard to masturbate when you keep asking me questions about Catholicism, kid. It's fine. I give up anyway. Son, Hell, much like prisons, is just a way to frighten people into submission. You can buy a pardon from the Catholic Church, be absolved of your sins, just like you can buy a judge. It's the oldest scam in the book.
Liam
How much is a pardon?
More than you'll ever have. If you're worried about something, go confess. Light some candles, say some Hail Marys, and voila , you're back on God's good side, unless, of course, you did something really bad. Then you'll be tormented in the deepest depths of Hell for eternity.
Liam
Hey, Timmy. It's me, Liam, from next door.
TTimmy
I know who you are.
Liam
Um, I heard about your Uncle Terry.
TTimmy
Not my uncle, my dad. Well, guess he's actually my uncle and my dad.
Liam
I'm really sorry, man.
TTimmy
Why do you give a shit?
Liam
It's just sad that-
TTimmy
Only time a man apologizes for something is if he did it or knows who did. You know who it was? Do you?
Liam
No! I was just trying to--
TTimmy
When we find the bastard that shit Pappy Terry, he'll be more than paralyzed. We'll cut him up, bleed him out, grind him up, and feed him to our dogs.
Mm, don't you look beautiful!
No, sir. You let Lip hide stolen motorcycles in Kev-Fit. You and I don't have anything to say to each other until this is over.
It's only for a couple of days! Did you see that chopper? I've always wanted a chopper like that. I'd be ten times more fuckable in a chopper.
If you get on that chopper, you're never gonna get... [ turns head in reference to daughters and says softly] ..fucked again.
Brad's got a buyer in Indiana. Him and Lip are running two of them there today.
Get rid of them. All of them.
Yes, ma'am. Girls, you ready to go to school?
[Following daughters] Where the hell are they going?
Who's in there? [Walking to closet with Liam holding daughters breakfast plates] Liam?
Liam
Hi.
Liam
Lip's selling the house.
Liam
Everyone's moving on with their lives, and I'm gonna end up homeless. Can I live with you?
All right, cool. Girls, let's go.
[Extends hand to Liam who takes it and gets up] Come on. I gotta go sign in voters. It's election day. But in the meantime, you and I are gonna talk about why young Black men can't go around breaking into people's houses. Come on.
Shameless · 903 quotes
