Kevin[Arrives to kitchen of Yvon feeding apples to Yevgeny, Gemma and Amy in highchairs] Ugh, man, that two extra hours of sleep is a miracle. Thank you so much for coming every morning. [Amazed at the happiness of Yevgeny, Gemma and Amy] What?! Look at these guys! They're chillin'! They dig you! You like kids, huh?! You're the only gramps these guys got! I'm just bummed that you and my other wife got off on the wrong foot! She just doesn't love how you sold our wife into sex slavery. Great talk, man. [Yvon holds apple to kids impaled on knife] Hey! Okay, see, yeah. In America, we take the food off the knife [Demonstrates] before we give it to the babies.
YYvon
[Speaks Russian] Nice soft mouths. They'll be good earners someday.
Kevin
Exactly.
[Kevin and Svetlana are hosing down mats]
Kevin
I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
Yeah. He's working on something for bar, to help. It's a surprise.
Kevin
Oh, sweet. You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.
It was potato sack. It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20." [She wets her white shirt sans bra with nipples appearing to Kevin's excitement]
[Arrives] Hey. Is The Alibi hiring?
Kevin
Who's asking?
Me. I need a job with child care.
Kevin
Okay, A, you're underage. You can't even work in a bar. And, B, we don't have real employees. We got spouses and parents. And, C, I am at peak baby. Three, and I max out. See you inside.
Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
Find husband. I have both husband and wife. I have someone to watch my son 24/7. I have job. I am kept woman. You want good life? Find someone to keep you.
I don't need to be kept. I'm a strong woman.
Don't be strong woman. Strong women weather storms. You want to be the storm.
You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate. And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.
All right! I got this thing together. I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool. Hellraiser II is playing. Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s. Just kidding. We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.
...
Kev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.
Kevin
The Knife thing. I know.
That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.
Kevin
How does he look at them?
Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.
Kevin
That's insane. You know, you sound like an insane person. You know that, right?
Kevin
Yeah. You do. [Yvon appears] What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up. What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least. You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go... Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs. I'll be right back. We are not doing Tinder. Tinder is for hookups. And we don't want hookup. We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman. But for what?
PPolice officer
So the man who allegedly took your babies is their grandfather?
Kevin
Not all of them. One of them. The other two are his step-grandchildren through marriage.
PPolice officer
Has the parent of the two stepchildren been contacted?
I'm here. It's me. The babies are mine and his.
Kevin
Yeah, she's my wife. The guy who took them is my other wife's dad.
Except she's my wife's wife, not mine... not legally. She's my wife, and I'm his wife.
PPolice officer
So the guy is the stepdad of your wife's wife?
Kevin
No, she's... her dad.
Kevin
And he doesn't speak any English. He only speaks Russian. He has Russian ties to the Mafia, I think, and has very disturbing tattoos.
PPolice officer
Has he ever threatened to harm the babies in the past?
Kevin
Not exactly.
PPolice officer
Does he have regular contact with the babies?
Kevin
Well, he sees them every morning, feeds them breakfast, speaks to them in Russian, sings little songs to them.
PPolice officer
Is it within the realm of possibility that he may have simply taken them for a walk?
How are the books comin', Lana?
Ah, much better with reduced overhead. Now we just have to collect running tabs from regulars who don't pay.
Kevin
Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps. Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy are makin' money.
Ha, breaking even. We are getting out of tax debt.
Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns? We're married.
Kevin
We got tax returns?!
We can claim as dependents, but we would have to do adoption.
Kevin
Whose kids are we adopting?
She and I would adopt each others' since we're married.
We would save money on write-offs and become legitimate family.
Kevin
Wait, wait, wait. So, V adopts Yevgeny. Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?
That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.
YYvon
[In Russian] Big stupid man needs a shower.
He either said, "I burnt your breakfast," or, "I f*cked up your eggs."
Kevin
[Holds eggs up to eyes laughing to entertain children] Hey...
I don't understand why you're not on board.
Kevin
[In the shower] It's just the whole lesbian-wedding thing again. You and Svetlana are a thing, and I'm the third wheel.
It is just paperwork to secure more money for Amy and Gemma. What if somethin' happens to us? Svetlana will be able to take care of 'em.
Kevin
I thought you wanted Fiona to take care of 'em if somethin' happened to us?
Fiona only cares about herself anymore.
Kevin
Oh, would you please? Fiona's your best friend. We have the key to her house, And I'm pretty sure that half our clothes in our closet are hers.
Kevin
Is this a permanent thing between you two, or is it until one of you caves and apologizes?
Screw Fiona! It's time for us to move on and think about what's best of our family, and that's Svetlana. Adoption will give our kids stability. Don't you want them to have more than what we had growin' up?
Kevin
I still get to be called "Daddy" no matter what. Or Big Papa. [Veronica pulls open shower curtains] Oh!
[Both laughs] Your choice, baby.
Kevin
Sorry, kids. Daddy forgot your sippy cups. Bad daddy. Bad daddy. Ah, who left the TV on? Bad mommy. Bad mommy. [Kevin opens door to discover Svetlana and her husband making love on his and Veronica's bed]
...
Kevin
V! V. We got to talk.
I thought you were going to the park.
Kevin
I think I saw something. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure. At least, I think so, but I'm not sure how sure. [Exhales] Svetlana and her dad.
Kevin
You know. Mm-hmm.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Kevin
You think I'm saying sex, right?
Kevin
No, I know! I know, but I went upstairs, and there's Yvon, pumping away. It was... it was so horrible.
Kevin
Yes. But I didn't see her face. I saw a thigh, and it looked familiar.
Kevin
I'm sorry, I- I... There... there was Russian TV and moans. I panicked, okay? Oh, this is... this is really, really fucked up. If... if I saw what I saw. I'm- I'm- I'm not sure. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Lana said she was going to the bank.
Kevin
Oh, who else would it have been, V? You think Yvon came here to ball some random chick in our bed? Listen to yourself. Do you realize how silly you sound? Why would she do it?
Kevin
Uh-huh.
Kevin
Maybe. He was forcing her.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is terrible.
Kevin
But it's not as terrible as what I thought. [Exhales] I never knew the word "rape" could fill me with so much relief.
Kevin
Is there a Hallmark card for "I'm sorry your dad's been raping you"?
What are you gonna say to her?
Kevin
Me? What the hell am I gonna say?
"Kev thought he saw you f*cking your dad, maybe?
Kevin
[Sighs] You're right. All right, I'm not running away from this It's time to man up. [Walks over to Svetlana doing accounting] So how was your morning?
Kevin
Right. Bank. How are things with your dad?
Kevin
You... you... you guys... You guys fight a lot. And does... does it... does it... Does it ever get out of hand? Where you can't fight him off?
Why you babble like someone who has stroke? Make sense, please.
Kevin
Okay. Your dad pimped you out. Did he ever sample the goods? Try on the merchandise? Take you out for a test drive? [Svetlana just stares at him, takes off her glass, gets up and walks away with Veronica sitting near him] I got nothing. Don't be mad.
Kevin
Oh, hey.
Got the day off from the kids?
Kevin
Yeah, for a couple hours. I need to clear my head for a while. I got a lot of freaky rape and incest stuff swirling around up there. What can I get you?
Kevin
What, did you rob a mini-mart or something?
Ah, no, we ripped off a bunch of corporate crooks. Turns out two wrongs do make a right.
Kevin
Well, our best stuff is still pretty shitty. Regulars go for quantity, not quality.
They're drinking on me today. Joaquin.
Kevin
Why?
'Cause they've been screwed over by a system that rewards criminals with white collars and shit values. Fuck mortgage-backed security. Fuck bailouts. Fuck too big to fail. It's time we get a piece of the action.
[Enters Alibi Room with blood on face, chest and shirt] I'm back.
Damn. What... what happened to your face?
Mission accomplished. Yvon is gone. We are thrupple again.
Kevin
Gone? How gone?
He's no longer in our lives.
What did you say to him? How did he take it?
This is immaterial. We move forward now. [Looks at cut in reflective wall tile] Ah!
Kevin
You got to give us more than that.
Ah, he causes divide between us. I get rid of divide. [Svetlana takes framed picture off of wall and defaces Yvon's face with a knife]
Thank you for taking that down. That was creeping me out. [Svetlana puts framed picture back on wall] Yeah, that's way less creepy.
I got rid of him. We are back to normal now.
I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
Kevin
Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river?
What don't you understand?
Kevin
Well, for starters, where his body is.
Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles. It gets us nowhere. I'm going to go into the back and do inventory. I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah?
Kevin
Van's gone! Tittie van, stolen!
Kevin
I parked it out on the street last night, now it's not there!
Who in the world would want to steal that van?!
Kevin
People who like boobs, people who like ice cream, people who like driving!
Kevin
No, it wasn't!
It was, and I already report stolen.
Kevin
I don't understand what that wink's about! V can tell me later.
I made us good insurance money.
You should've talked to him first.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
He'll come around. You just need to give him some time.
I made us good money. He is mad now, but come Christmas when we spoil babies, he will thank me.
Kevin
She stole it. She stole it! My tittie van, Svetlana stole it!
She didn't steal it, she had it stolen and she banked the insurance money.
Kevin
Aha!
Kevin
Who's "us"? Does "us" include her other husband, who she said was her father? Or is he dead and buried under the L? Or do you not care about any of this?
I do care, but... I'm married to her. She adopted our children. It's a little more complicated than that.
Kevin
Well, your marriage wasn't legal so maybe the adoption wasn't either. Look, it was fun while it lasted, but it stopped being fun right around the time she started fucking her fake father with the scary tattoos in our bed.
I just don't think we should make any big decisions from an emotional place.
Kevin
I am not emotional!
You're just, like, totally cool with the whole Yvon thing? You don't feel betrayed?
Kevin
No, I'm not over it. I feel betrayed and angry too,
Kev, but I'm considering other factors.
Kevin
Like what?!
Like... how much better our lives are with Lana. We have more money. We have time alone away from the kids. Our sex life is off the chain.
Kevin
Our sex life was always off the chain! [A short old woman pours herself a vodka shot on personal whim drinking it with total ease] Who's that?!
Lana rented the apartment upstairs to her aunt from Russia.
Kevin
Is it really her aunt? Or are we gonna find her fucking her in our bed a week from now?! I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen.
[Aunt pours herself another shot] I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen. [Aunt walks away] She's trying to make it up to us. The van, the aunt. Whether they're actually related, that old woman is paying good money in rent.
Kevin
So she's trying to buy our love?
She's trying to buy your love. I'm still in love with her. I can't help it.
Kevin
Are you siding with her over me?
No. Baby, no. I'm siding with us.
Kevin
I just want it to go back to how good it was.
Please, babe, just go home and talk to her. Tell her how you feel, she'll tell you how she feels.
Kevin
Gemma said "egg" this morning.
Kevin
She said "omelet" to me last week. She also said "horsey" and "twat," but I think she was trying to say, "trot." What?
You love V. I love V. We don't need love, me and you. We need like and desire. I still like you, even though you are douche bag when angry, and I still desire you. Do you still desire me?
Kevin
You got great tits.
Spasibo. You stop being douche bag, you could put your face between them like before.
Kevin
Stop stealing my shit and I'll stop being a douche bag.
I get insurance, I report stolen. I collect insurance, I hide van. [Takes canvas off of a vehicle to reveal Kevin's van] You wait two weeks, you can paint, you make ice cream again. Okay.
[Debbie and Monica come in front door]
Yeah, like, 80 times. They're useless. DCFS too. They don't even seem to care that Franny got kidnapped.
Kevin
Wow. Monica?
Kevin
Hey. What brings you back?
It... was time. So, you staying here?
Kevin
Sleeping on the couch until I get over my two wives betraying me.
No luck this morning, Debs?
No. I miss her so much. A part of my body's been chopped off.
That is exactly the way I felt the first time they took Fiona from me. I screamed my throat raw. Tore my hair out. And I was on acid, but... awful.
I didn't neglect my baby because I was on drugs. I'm a good mom. I would never do half the shit that you did to us. What are you even doing here?
...
And so... [Grabs baseball bat off wall] We are getting your baby back.
Kevin
Whoa, you sure you want to do that?
Nobody takes my fucking granddaughter.
...
[Walking to Delgado residence with bat and says to Debbie] All right, stand back, honey, 'cause it's gonna get rude. [To Delgados] Attention, residents! According to the bylaws of Public Act 94-704... [Smashes a window] The child is only granted custody to the grandparents [Smashes a flowerpot] only when the child's mother is deemed unfit by the court, [Smashes a window] which has not happened yet! Nor has the baby been... [Celia appears at door and she smashes a window] In any physical danger. Nor has the child's home been deemed hazardous by a social worker! [Smashes a microtreepot] So you have no legal right to keep Franny from her mom! [Smashes a flowerpot] So give us the fucking baby!
CCelia
I'm calling the cops!
TTanya
[Arrives with Franny in stroller] What the hell is going on?!
I'm getting my motherfucking granddaughter back! [Points bat at Tanya] Get back, bitch! Before I knock those cheap extensions right off your head! [Debbie takes stroller with Franny running with Monica] Go! Go! Go! Go! You're gonna fuckin' burn!
So, Monica's back? Yeah, when you think you're gettin' out of here?
Kevin
I don't know, man. I- I didn't plan on staying this long. I want V back, but I don't trust Lana, and V wants me back, but not without Lana, and who knows what Lana wants? We're like the "hour-obe-ras."
Kevin
Snake eating its own tail. I saw a label in the Alibi.
Sure that's how you say that?
Kevin
Well, whatever. We're stuck. And I don't even know who to ask for for advice. It's like the only time you see this kind of thing is on Maury Povich. Should we do that?
Kevin
Yeah, he's got experts. Yeah, V wouldn't allow it. Plane tickets aren't cheap. Who's local? That bald, chubby, Richard-Pryor-lookin' dude.
Kevin
I'll call him. Nothing to lose.
Kevin
Hey.
Kevin
Is Lana here?
She just left for the Alibi.
Kevin
Hey, little Gemma. Hey, little Amy. Hey, boy from the mother I'm still pissed at.
Gemma tenderized Amy's skull with an Etch A Sketch before lunch. I think they miss their daddy.
Kevin
Their daddy misses them too. Daddy also misses holding their mommy at night. One of their mommies. The other mommy, he's still confused about.
When will he figure it out?-
Kevin
He doesn't know. He thinks they should get help with it.
Kevin
So, I called Steve Harvey. Not the guy. The show. To see if they'd take us.
Take us where? On the air?
Kevin
Yeah, kind of. He said they're focused on weddings, divorces, celebrities, obese women over 40, and may do alternative families next year, and I was like, "I can't wait that long." I got no clean drawers, "and my junk hasn't been lady-touched in a week." So they gave me phone numbers.
Kevin
Marriage counselors. I don't know what else to do, V. We can't keep going around in circles like the "hour-obe-ras."
Kevin
The "hour-obe-ras." That... that new tequila we got at the Alibi. It had a snake eating its own tail. We can't be the only throuple on Earth that's gone through this, right? Marriage therapists have seen this stuff all the time. They'll know what to do.
Shameless · 903 quotes
