[Kevin and Svetlana are hosing down mats]
I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
Yeah. He's working on something for bar, to help. It's a surprise.
Oh, sweet. You know, I still can't believe he's the same dude that locked you in a closet and put a flour sack over your head.
It was potato sack. It's like my 12-year-old self made up my adult life, and my adult self was like, "Oh, yeah? I see your offer, and I raise you 20." [She wets her white shirt sans bra with nipples appearing to Kevin's excitement]
[Arrives] Hey. Is The Alibi hiring?
Me. I need a job with child care.
Okay, A, you're underage. You can't even work in a bar. And, B, we don't have real employees. We got spouses and parents. And, C, I am at peak baby. Three, and I max out. See you inside.
Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.
Find husband. I have both husband and wife. I have someone to watch my son 24/7. I have job. I am kept woman. You want good life? Find someone to keep you.
I don't need to be kept. I'm a strong woman.
Don't be strong woman. Strong women weather storms. You want to be the storm.
You find someone weak, stupid, and desperate. And you wear bras so your breasts levitate.
All right! I got this thing together. I'm gonna take these guys to the movies where it's nice and cool. Hellraiser II is playing. Toddlers love classic slasher flicks from the 1980s. Just kidding. We're gonna go see Dory for the eight millionth time so I can stab my eyes out with a fork.
...
VeronicaKev, I don't think we should let Yvon keep feeding the babies.
Veronica
That, and I don't like the way he looks at them.
How does he look at them?
Veronica
Like he's trying to figure out how much they're worth.
That's insane. You know, you sound like an insane person. You know that, right?
Veronica
Do I?
Yeah. You do. [Yvon appears] What's up? What's going on? Thumbs up. What's up there? The sky? Speak Russian at least. You want me to go upstairs? Oh, you want me to go... Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs. I'll be right back. We are not doing Tinder. Tinder is for hookups. And we don't want hookup. We want someone old-fashioned, someone who wants to keep a woman. But for what?
PPolice officer
So the man who allegedly took your babies is their grandfather?
Not all of them. One of them. The other two are his step-grandchildren through marriage.
PPolice officer
Has the parent of the two stepchildren been contacted?
Veronica
I'm here. It's me. The babies are mine and his.
Yeah, she's my wife. The guy who took them is my other wife's dad.
Veronica
Except she's my wife's wife, not mine... not legally. She's my wife, and I'm his wife.
PPolice officer
So the guy is the stepdad of your wife's wife?
Veronica
He's my father-in-law.
And he doesn't speak any English. He only speaks Russian. He has Russian ties to the Mafia, I think, and has very disturbing tattoos.
PPolice officer
Has he ever threatened to harm the babies in the past?
PPolice officer
Does he have regular contact with the babies?
Well, he sees them every morning, feeds them breakfast, speaks to them in Russian, sings little songs to them.
PPolice officer
Is it within the realm of possibility that he may have simply taken them for a walk?
Veronica
How are the books comin', Lana?
Ah, much better with reduced overhead. Now we just have to collect running tabs from regulars who don't pay.
Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps. Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy are makin' money.
Ha, breaking even. We are getting out of tax debt.
Veronica
Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns? We're married.
We can claim as dependents, but we would have to do adoption.
Whose kids are we adopting?
Veronica
She and I would adopt each others' since we're married.
We would save money on write-offs and become legitimate family.
Wait, wait, wait. So, V adopts Yevgeny. Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?
That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.
YYvon
[In Russian] Big stupid man needs a shower.
Veronica
He either said, "I burnt your breakfast," or, "I f*cked up your eggs."
[Holds eggs up to eyes laughing to entertain children] Hey...
Veronica
I don't understand why you're not on board.
[In the shower] It's just the whole lesbian-wedding thing again. You and Svetlana are a thing, and I'm the third wheel.
Veronica
It is just paperwork to secure more money for Amy and Gemma. What if somethin' happens to us? Svetlana will be able to take care of 'em.
I thought you wanted Fiona to take care of 'em if somethin' happened to us?
Veronica
Fiona only cares about herself anymore.
Oh, would you please? Fiona's your best friend. We have the key to her house, And I'm pretty sure that half our clothes in our closet are hers.
Veronica
Then I'll take 'em back.
Is this a permanent thing between you two, or is it until one of you caves and apologizes?
Veronica
Screw Fiona! It's time for us to move on and think about what's best of our family, and that's Svetlana. Adoption will give our kids stability. Don't you want them to have more than what we had growin' up?
I still get to be called "Daddy" no matter what. Or Big Papa. [Veronica pulls open shower curtains] Oh!
Veronica
[Both laughs] Your choice, baby.
Sorry, kids. Daddy forgot your sippy cups. Bad daddy. Bad daddy. Ah, who left the TV on? Bad mommy. Bad mommy. [Kevin opens door to discover Svetlana and her husband making love on his and Veronica's bed]
...
Veronica
I thought you were going to the park.
I think I saw something. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure. At least, I think so, but I'm not sure how sure. [Exhales] Svetlana and her dad.
Veronica
What about 'em?
Veronica
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
You think I'm saying sex, right?
Veronica
That's crazy.
No, I know! I know, but I went upstairs, and there's Yvon, pumping away. It was... it was so horrible.
Veronica
You saw Svetlana?
Yes. But I didn't see her face. I saw a thigh, and it looked familiar.
Veronica
And you didn't stop him?
I'm sorry, I- I... There... there was Russian TV and moans. I panicked, okay? Oh, this is... this is really, really fucked up. If... if I saw what I saw. I'm- I'm- I'm not sure. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Veronica
Lana said she was going to the bank.
Oh, who else would it have been, V? You think Yvon came here to ball some random chick in our bed? Listen to yourself. Do you realize how silly you sound? Why would she do it?
Veronica
He was on top?
Veronica
Pinning her down?
Maybe. He was forcing her.
Veronica
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is terrible.
But it's not as terrible as what I thought. [Exhales] I never knew the word "rape" could fill me with so much relief.
Veronica
Svetlana just got here.
Is there a Hallmark card for "I'm sorry your dad's been raping you"?
Veronica
What are you gonna say to her?
Me? What the hell am I gonna say?
Veronica
"Kev thought he saw you f*cking your dad, maybe?
[Sighs] You're right. All right, I'm not running away from this It's time to man up. [Walks over to Svetlana doing accounting] So how was your morning?
Right. Bank. How are things with your dad?
You... you... you guys... You guys fight a lot. And does... does it... does it... Does it ever get out of hand? Where you can't fight him off?
Why you babble like someone who has stroke? Make sense, please.
Okay. Your dad pimped you out. Did he ever sample the goods? Try on the merchandise? Take you out for a test drive? [Svetlana just stares at him, takes off her glass, gets up and walks away with Veronica sitting near him] I got nothing. Don't be mad.
[Enters Alibi Room with blood on face, chest and shirt] I'm back.
Veronica
Damn. What... what happened to your face?
Mission accomplished. Yvon is gone. We are thrupple again.
Veronica
What?
He's no longer in our lives.
Veronica
What did you say to him? How did he take it?
This is immaterial. We move forward now. [Looks at cut in reflective wall tile] Ah!
You got to give us more than that.
Ah, he causes divide between us. I get rid of divide. [Svetlana takes framed picture off of wall and defaces Yvon's face with a knife]
Thank you for taking that down. That was creeping me out. [Svetlana puts framed picture back on wall] Yeah, that's way less creepy.
I got rid of him. We are back to normal now.
I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river?
What don't you understand?
Well, for starters, where his body is.
Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles. It gets us nowhere. I'm going to go into the back and do inventory. I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah?
Van's gone! Tittie van, stolen!
Veronica
What?!
I parked it out on the street last night, now it's not there!
Veronica
Who in the world would want to steal that van?!
People who like boobs, people who like ice cream, people who like driving!
It was, and I already report stolen.
I don't understand what that wink's about! V can tell me later.
I made us good insurance money.
Veronica
You should've talked to him first.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
Veronica
He'll come around. You just need to give him some time.
I made us good money. He is mad now, but come Christmas when we spoil babies, he will thank me.
She stole it. She stole it! My tittie van, Svetlana stole it!
Veronica
She didn't steal it, she had it stolen and she banked the insurance money.
Veronica
For us! For us! For us!
Who's "us"? Does "us" include her other husband, who she said was her father? Or is he dead and buried under the L? Or do you not care about any of this?
Veronica
I do care, but... I'm married to her. She adopted our children. It's a little more complicated than that.
Well, your marriage wasn't legal so maybe the adoption wasn't either. Look, it was fun while it lasted, but it stopped being fun right around the time she started fucking her fake father with the scary tattoos in our bed.
Veronica
I just don't think we should make any big decisions from an emotional place.
Veronica
You're just, like, totally cool with the whole Yvon thing? You don't feel betrayed?
No, I'm not over it. I feel betrayed and angry too,
Veronica
Kev, but I'm considering other factors.
Veronica
Like... how much better our lives are with Lana. We have more money. We have time alone away from the kids. Our sex life is off the chain.
Our sex life was always off the chain! [A short old woman pours herself a vodka shot on personal whim drinking it with total ease] Who's that?!
Veronica
Lana rented the apartment upstairs to her aunt from Russia.
Is it really her aunt? Or are we gonna find her fucking her in our bed a week from now?! I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen.
Veronica
[Aunt pours herself another shot] I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen. [Aunt walks away] She's trying to make it up to us. The van, the aunt. Whether they're actually related, that old woman is paying good money in rent.
So she's trying to buy our love?
Veronica
She's trying to buy your love. I'm still in love with her. I can't help it.
Are you siding with her over me?
Veronica
No. Baby, no. I'm siding with us.
I just want it to go back to how good it was.
Veronica
Please, babe, just go home and talk to her. Tell her how you feel, she'll tell you how she feels.
Veronica
Hi.
Veronica
She just left for the Alibi.
Hey, little Gemma. Hey, little Amy. Hey, boy from the mother I'm still pissed at.
Veronica
Gemma tenderized Amy's skull with an Etch A Sketch before lunch. I think they miss their daddy.
Their daddy misses them too. Daddy also misses holding their mommy at night. One of their mommies. The other mommy, he's still confused about.
Veronica
When will he figure it out?-
He doesn't know. He thinks they should get help with it.
Veronica
What kind of help?
So, I called Steve Harvey. Not the guy. The show. To see if they'd take us.
Veronica
Take us where? On the air?
Yeah, kind of. He said they're focused on weddings, divorces, celebrities, obese women over 40, and may do alternative families next year, and I was like, "I can't wait that long." I got no clean drawers, "and my junk hasn't been lady-touched in a week." So they gave me phone numbers.
Veronica
For what?
Marriage counselors. I don't know what else to do, V. We can't keep going around in circles like the "hour-obe-ras."
Veronica
The what?
The "hour-obe-ras." That... that new tequila we got at the Alibi. It had a snake eating its own tail. We can't be the only throuple on Earth that's gone through this, right? Marriage therapists have seen this stuff all the time. They'll know what to do.
Who is this spastic woman?
Veronica
Frank's wife. The kids' mother.
Veronica
Barely.
You gonna tell us where you've been, Monica?
Iowa. Some shitsville roadhouse off the 80. Bunch of truckers. More guns than teeth in that place. Once, I saw a guy skin a buck in the parking lot with a rock and a rope.
Wow, civility is alive and well.
Veronica
So, what brings you back to town?
Frank and the kids. I'm gonna make good. You hear that, Lip? I got a plan. I'm gonna set you and the kids up for life.
[Cell phone buzzes] That's the fifth time she's called this morning.
Veronica
Let her bake.
I'm pissed. And I still really don't understand what happened.
Veronica
Deed, business license, liquor license, bill of sale, all with our signatures on it.
That looks just like my handwriting.
Veronica
Because it is. Mine too.
How does Svetlana own our bar and our girls?
Veronica
Not our girls, just our bar. She told us we were signing adoption forms but really it was papers making her the owner of The Alibi.
So we still own our girls?
Veronica
Yes.
And she still owns her kid?
Veronica
Yes.
Who owns the titty van again?
Veronica
Still ours.
So technically, she just owns The Alibi?
Veronica
Correct.
Veronica
[Sighs] Her name is still on our bank accounts. Bitch might be cleaning us out. We gotta close 'em.
Can we get her arrested for stealing?
Veronica
What do we tell the cops when they see our signatures on the forms? That we're idiots?
All right, I hate to tell you I told you so 'cause I know you're heartbroken, but this just proves that I was right about her without saying it.
Veronica
You just did say it.
I worked at that bar my whole life. So now what? What, Svetlana's our boss? Do we still get paychecks?
Veronica
The bar checking account is in her name.
We need to get her ass down here. I got questions.
Veronica
Oh, she can keep her lying Russian ass over that bar. I don't want her back in this house.
Then we'll go to The Alibi.
Veronica
I want to stab her fucking heart out
[Veronica is smoking out a very thick blunt]
Veronica
Saging. I read it'll help get that backstabbing cunt's bad juju out of our house. Is that what you're wearing?
It's a machine parts company. You don't wear loafers operating a drill press.
Veronica
You're applying for a job. You want to make a good impression.
Not just any job. A man's job. I let Svetlana...
Veronica
Don't you even think of saying her name. You know what to call her.
I'm sorry. I let that backstabbing cunt take my balls. Well, my nanny days are over. I'm gonna support this family and I'm gonna get my balls back. Here, take a look at this.
Veronica
Kev, you misspelled "résumé" on your résumé.
What about the rest of it?
Veronica
What rest of it? There's only one line.
Well, I only had one job. And I've never written one of these before.
Veronica
You gotta beef it up. Sometimes people write their goals.
You want me to tell them I want to make as much money doing as little work as possible?
Veronica
We got enough to last us for a while.
Hey, did any bartending gigs come up on the alert thingie on your phone?
Veronica
Yeah, but only at fancy places. You gotta be a certified mixologist.
Remember all a bartender had to do was pour a shit and tap a keg? Now you can't even work behind a bar without knowing how to make a :Veronica: Campari-fennel aperitif.
Yeah, who puts fennel in their drink? What is fennel?
Veronica
You got me.
Uh, I only saw her for a second when they were putting her in the ambulance.
She shit herself? People shit themselves when they die. That's why they put diapers on psycho killers before they give 'em the lethal injection.
I touched her when they put her in the ambulance. She was still warm.
Could have still been dead. Body only loses a couple degrees of heat an hour after you kick it.
Lots of things in the body are still alive. Hair, the skin, the nails, all the bacteria in your guts. And you don't start to swell up for at least a couple of days, and then your eyes pop out, skin falls off, then you explode.
Veronica
Kev.
What? [Veronica motions eyes to senior woman across waiting room]
CDr. Caughey
Monica your mother?
Yeah. Um, Fiona. Philip and Debbie.
CDr. Caughey
Hi. Your mother came in unresponsive. We made every attempt to revive her but we were unsuccessful.
CDr. Caughey
No, uh, she died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. A blood vessel in her brain burst.
[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Where did you get all this stuff?
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
Veronica
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
What happened to the Alibi?
Svetlana stole it from them.
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
Veronica
Not gonna happen.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
Shameless · 903 quotes
