Where'd all this come from?
And cage-free organic eggs and juice with the pulp in it. [To Liam] Eat up, little homey.
Where you getting all this money?
You better not be selling drugs again, Carl.
Nope, no drugs. I learned my lesson. [Flashback scene reveals Carl selling handguns from a washroom stall at school]
Ian: You better watch out. If she doesn't like what you're doing, she might try to fire you from the family.
DebbieYeah, or try to force you to get an abortion.
Carl, can you drop Liam at Head Start on your way to school?
Do I look like a babysitter?
No, you look like a criminal, but last I checked, you were still a Gallagher.
Fine. Bros got to stick together. Let's go. Come on, little homey. Don't be a little shit. Let's go.
Debbie
I'm gonna be late.
Debbie
[Chuckles] Not funny.
No, it's not, and it turns out that the pill is a big fucking waste of money.
Debbie
Are you lying? Are you making this up?
You are the only one who lies about pregnancies around here. Jesus. I'm not making it up.
Debbie
Oh, my God. This is amazing. What are the chances? We can raise them together like sisters. Sister cousins! Whose is it? Is it Gus' or Sean's? If it was Gus', that'd be weird. How far along are you?
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. Listen. I'm saying... I know how shitty this feels, like something's taken over your body, and you feel sick and, like, a little crazy, and I'm sorry because I didn't get that before, and I was harsh and cold and... Anyway, I'm sorry. [Hugs Debbie]
Debbie
Thank you.
And now we can go through it together. We can go to the clinic. We'll make appointments for the same day. It'll be good. It'll be like a family outing. Like Disneyland, only with abortions.
Debbie
Wait, what? What kind of apology is that?
Debs, I know that you think that keeping it will bring Derek back, but if he left you like this, then he doesn't deserve you, and there will be other guys that you will love--
Debbie
No, no, no, no. You're the one who sleeps around, Fiona, not me. God. You are disgusting. You're a horrible human being. You didn't even bother to divorce your husband. You just ghosted him.
Debbie
You ghosted him. You disappeared. And now you're gonna ghost your baby. [Fiona gags, runs to washroom and retches]
[Appears in side door] Family breakfast, no one bothers to invite the padre.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna be a grandfather. From the bowels of death, new life. A new Gallagher.
Debbie
Yeah, and Fiona's pregnant too.
Shut up! [Chuckles] A double grandfather.
Debbie
Yeah, but Fiona doesn't want to have hers, and she's trying to force me to get rid of mine too. She says I'm too young.
She's wrong. Scientifically wrong. Biologically speaking, you're in your prime childbearing years. Actually, a little beyond them. If Fiona waits much longer, she's gonna have babies that look like wombats. Her labia will stretch halfway to her knees. Men wanting to do cunnilingus will require a straw. [Laughs] No, no, no, no, no, no. This is your time, Debs. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
Debbie
But what about Fiona?
She can't force you to do anything. You have the right to control your own body. But Fiona has that right too. Well, we won't let her. I had to handcuff Monica to the bed when she was pregnant with Carl. I kept her loaded for months until he was too big to abort.
Debbie
Yeah, I don't think Sean's gonna go for that.
Debbie
Her boyfriend.
I thought she was married. Never mind. I'll talk to her.
Debbie
Okay. Maybe we all should talk to her.
Absolutely. We'll talk more after school, all right? I got to run now. I can't be late for my cancer support group.
Debbie
Wait, Frank. Do you have cancer?
Not that I know of. [Knocks on head] Knock wood.
Debbie
[Wakes up next to Erica with her arm over her and Frank wakes past ignoring Debbie's gesture to help her and climbs out window] Holy shit.
Debbie
Uh... [chuckles] You crawled into bed hammered, then sang a little and passed out.
EErica
Oh, no. Not Melissa Etheridge.
Debbie
I don't know who that is.
EErica
[Sighs] Did I do anything else?
Debbie
Uh, you groped me a little.
EErica
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Debbie
No worries.
Good morning! I'm here to concierge you through your hangover and straight into your doctor's appointment!
EErica
I passed out in Debbie's bed last night.
Yikes. How'd she take it?
EErica
Fine, but I- I feel like an idiot. What's gotten into me? I'm not attracted to her. I feel maternal towards her.
It's a nurturing instinct. She's very nurture-able.
EErica
I'm losing my shit, Frank. It's hitting me. I just keep thinking about that coffin and my body inside it. I'm gonna puke. [Covers mouth with hand and runs away]
[To Debbie] How was last night's tangle?
Debbie
Huh?
You and Erica. [Gestures] Little scissor action?
Debbie
Ew, no. It was so not like that. She was just drunk and confused, and she's married to a guy.
A woman's sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi. Mark my words, kid. She's sweet on you. You are so sexy when you're in the thrall of a small lit rectangle.
[Frank is at Debbie's ultrasound]
Debbie
Oh, my God. Is that him or her?
Look at that face. Already up to no good. It's a Gallagher all right. [Chuckles] I remember the first time I saw Fiona in Monica's gut. She looked like a rotting apricot. I screamed, "What the fuck is that?!" And we were on a lot of drugs, but that fetus just looked unholy. Came out perfect, though.
UTUltrasound technician
You sure you don't want to know the gender?
Before we knew your gender we called you The Tumor. Then they said you were a girl. All of a sudden you were Debbie.
Debbie
I was Debbie?
Once you know the gender, your fetus goes from a clump of cells to a genuine person. It's something. Got to run.
UTUltrasound technician
Tell you what. I'll write it down, stick it in an envelope. You can hang onto it and decide later.
Debbie
Cool.
Promised Erica I'd pick her up after her scan. Rampant metastasis, here we come.
Tribe! Breakfast! [Gallagher kids come filing in] Good morning. Morning.
Debbie
Why are we in here?
We eat in the dining room like civilized people.
Since Queenie. Have a seat. Let's get you your flaxseed oil pills. [To Ian] Good for the heart. [To Liam] Mmm. Good for the hair, [TO Chuckie] your colon, [To Frank's place] Daddy, [To Carl] prostate, yeah, [To Debbie] and your baby.
[Sets down pans] Quinoa pancakes and yucca fries.
What the hell is a quinoa?
[Gets up] Yeah, I'm just gonna go to Mickey D's.
[Gets up] I'm gonna study at my boyfriend's.
Debbie
[Gets up] Carl, can you give me a ride to the baby store?
[Pounds table] Come back now. Look, your father went to great lengths to prepare this breakfast for you with love. So you're gonna sit your little asses down and enjoy it. [Tussling Frank's hair] Need to have a little more respect for this man right here.
[Sings] Help me, I think I'm falling [Frank joins in] In love again [To Debbie and Carl] Join us.
Debbie
I don't know the words.
QFQueenie and Frank
When I get that crazy feeling, I know I'm in trouble again
I don't want to know the words.
Fake it. [Sings] I'm in trouble, 'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler, and a sweet-talking ladies' man...
[Frank answers door to Lamar still singing]
LLamar
Lamar. Is Carl here?
He's enjoying breakfast with his family. Come back some other time?
[Sings] I've seen some hard, hard cases come down to smoke and ash...
LLamar
Haven't checked in lately, white boy. Where the fuck you been at?
Been here and there. G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow. Need you to run it. I think Imma sit this one out.
LLamar
Sit this one out? [Scoffs] You a comedian?
No. [Lamar pistol whips Carl on the forehead who falls down]
LLamar
[To Carl with a bleeding forehead] You think you can just tag in and out like a little girl playing Chinese jump rope? You in this game for life, fuck, so get your ass to the spot tomorrow morning.
A letter to Sean's ex-wife.
Carl, why is Fiona writing a letter to Sean's ex-wife?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, great. I'll just stand here and drink my coffee in silence.
Debbie
To the commune with Queenie.
Except you're not, 'cause you have school, remember?
Debbie
I need a supportive environment. Not gonna get it here.
So that's it for high school, huh? Pregnant dropout at 15. Well played.
Debbie
Don't pretend you care.
You got to graduate, Debs.
Debbie
Have you heard of "unschooling"? It's a widely recognized form of education.
Debbie
Queenie says it's when you get knowledge from life instead of books. Like making spaghetti, when you measure water, pasta, salt. That's math.
Debbie
If I'm desperate, I can just get my GED. You know, like you did.
Queenie, are you going to support Debbie as she "unschools" her way through life?
Debbie
Ignore her.
Well, I have so many friends in the commune who have never had a day of conventional education, and they have so much worldly wisdom.
You want to quit school, Debs, I can't stop you. Enjoy yourself at... what is it?
Soaring Consciousness Ecovillage. A hundred acres, very peaceful. Oh, and if you see Lip, tell him never to stifle his passion. Ta-ta.
Hey, Frankie, baby. We're off to the commune.
Chuckie's probation papers came yesterday. Grandma is a rolling stone.
That's a great idea. Lying under the stars in a rural paradise. Fresh air, crackling fire. Jeez, that sounds nice. Are we taking the van? [Gets in]
[Van arrives at the commune]
[Gets out van] Ooh, a little nippy.
Debbie
[Gets out holding up phone] Freezing. And no service. Where's your house?
[Points] My tent's right up there.
Debbie
Your tent?
We gonna see a mountain lion?
You were right all along. I wasn't listening. This is where we were meant to be together. Out in the fresh, crisp air, the smell of pine.
JJupiter
You were sorely missed. [He and Queenie hold each others heads and lean towards each other touching foreheads]
Everybody, this is Jupiter, a founding father of Soaring Conciousness.
JJupiter
[Referring to Debbie] And is this...?
The one I wrote to you about.
JJupiter
[Walks up to Debbie and puts both hands on shoulders] We all hoped you'd come, Deborah. And here you are. Here, let me help you inside. [Wraps blanket on Debbie]
Nice of you to bring her a blanket. It is chilly. I know I'm cold.
Hey, bean. Cinnamon waffles?
Mm-hmm. Uh, you need me to iron a shirt for you?
I got it. Ironing board? [Fiona points to iron board on stairs and Carl brings it down]
[Carl is trying to figure out how to unfold it] It's the little lever thing. [Carl unfolds in one motion and sets it down] Shh. Gah, baby's sleeping. Debs was up with her all night. And I really don't mind doing it.
No, it's fine. I have to learn to do it for myself, right? Do my part.
Aftershave. Good for razor burn. Is there any wedding stuff going on tonight?
Uh, nope. You're in the clear till tomorrow. Why?
Gonna watch the DePaul game with Luther tonight.
Girlfriend's father, huh? Sounds like it's getting serious.
You get really serious, you know to use protection, right? Condoms? No matter what. We don't need any more accidents around here.
Debbie
[Comes down stairs] Huh, oh, you mean accidents like Franny.
Debbie
No, I left her up there screaming, hungry, wallowing in a dirty diaper to suffer.
[Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
Now I have to get it done.
[Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
Debbie
Oh, great. Pizza.
Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Debbie
Right place. I put it on my credit card.
Debbie
It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
[Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
Debbie
Fuck off, Frank.
Debbie
Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
Hey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
Debbie
Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
Who the hell is Jolayemi?
Debbie
My new night nurse.
Debbie
Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
Debbie
I started an online business.
[Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
Frank's back? Since when?
Debbie
Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
JJolayemi
Does she sleep in your bed?
Debbie
Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
[Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
Debbie
I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
Debbie
It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Debbie
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Debbie
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
Debbie
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Debbie
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Debbie
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
Shameless · 903 quotes
