FionaWhere'd all this come from?
And cage-free organic eggs and juice with the pulp in it. [To Liam] Eat up, little homey.
Fiona
Where you getting all this money?
Fiona
You better not be selling drugs again, Carl.
Nope, no drugs. I learned my lesson. [Flashback scene reveals Carl selling handguns from a washroom stall at school]
Ian: You better watch out. If she doesn't like what you're doing, she might try to fire you from the family.
Yeah, or try to force you to get an abortion.
Fiona
Carl, can you drop Liam at Head Start on your way to school?
Do I look like a babysitter?
Fiona
No, you look like a criminal, but last I checked, you were still a Gallagher.
Fine. Bros got to stick together. Let's go. Come on, little homey. Don't be a little shit. Let's go.
Fiona
I'm pregnant, Debs.
Fiona
No, it's not, and it turns out that the pill is a big fucking waste of money.
Are you lying? Are you making this up?
Fiona
You are the only one who lies about pregnancies around here. Jesus. I'm not making it up.
Oh, my God. This is amazing. What are the chances? We can raise them together like sisters. Sister cousins! Whose is it? Is it Gus' or Sean's? If it was Gus', that'd be weird. How far along are you?
Fiona
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. Listen. I'm saying... I know how shitty this feels, like something's taken over your body, and you feel sick and, like, a little crazy, and I'm sorry because I didn't get that before, and I was harsh and cold and... Anyway, I'm sorry. [Hugs Debbie]
Fiona
And now we can go through it together. We can go to the clinic. We'll make appointments for the same day. It'll be good. It'll be like a family outing. Like Disneyland, only with abortions.
Wait, what? What kind of apology is that?
Fiona
Debs, I know that you think that keeping it will bring Derek back, but if he left you like this, then he doesn't deserve you, and there will be other guys that you will love--
No, no, no, no. You're the one who sleeps around, Fiona, not me. God. You are disgusting. You're a horrible human being. You didn't even bother to divorce your husband. You just ghosted him.
Fiona
I what?
You ghosted him. You disappeared. And now you're gonna ghost your baby. [Fiona gags, runs to washroom and retches]
[Appears in side door] Family breakfast, no one bothers to invite the padre.
Fiona
Okay, so we went to the bank, and the house is being sold at auction, but there's a chance that we could buy it. So for the first time ever, it would be our house, not Aunt Ginger's, not Patrick's.
Fiona
Sean's got a guy at the bank who thinks I can get a bank loan of up to 100,000.
Fiona
I know.
Holy shit, someone's willing to give us 100 grand?
Fiona
Yeah.
Why didn't we do this years ago?
The bank doesn't just give you money. They actually buy the house and let you live in it till you pay back the loan with interest.
Fiona
We need a down payment of $3,500, and we need it, like, now.
Fiona
Okay, we could pawn the TV.
Fiona
We're brainstorming.
3 1/2 Gs? Shit, I got you covered. What do you want? You want hundies or small bills?
Fiona
You just got out of juvie and you have $3,000?
Fiona
[Long awkward silence] No.
What, you don't believe me?
Fiona
No, I believe you, I just don't want the state seizing our house 'cause we bought it with drug money or whatever it is that you're into lately.
Fiona
You are not part of this conversation, Frank.
This was my house long before any of you had claim to it. Not legally, but every other way. The point is, we're Gallaghers. If Carl wants to step up-
Fiona
No.
Why do you get the last word?
Fiona
If you want to go get a mortgage with your name on it, then take Carl's money. But otherwise, we'll find another way.
I'll just spend it on my ride. If you want us, we'll be upstairs. Come on, Nick.
Carl, a word, if you would, son?
[Scoffs] I don't know why you bother calling a family meeting if you make all the decisions anyway.
Fiona
You get why I don't want to take Carl's money, right? It's like saying that it's cool that he's a criminal, like we've given up on him.
Fiona
You're giving me that look like you're gonna try to give me some really wise, meaningful advice.
Fiona
That's what you were thinking?
Fiona
[Chuckles] Well, enjoy them while you can. I'm gonna have to reschedule the abortion until after the auction.
About that deposit, uh, you know, I... I do have some savings I could kick in.
Fiona
No, no, no, thank you. It's a Gallagher thing.
If you lose the house, it's gonna be somebody else's thing. So where's that money coming from?
Fiona
I have an idea. I'm just not sure how I feel about it yet. I'll let you know when I decide.
Savings, huh? Literally hundreds of dollars. [Fiona chuckles heartily] Fucking gold digger.
Okay. So... I only got an hour, then I got to meet Svetlana to check out the competition.
Fiona
Which is?
Public Restroom. That's what it's called and they serve tapas. I mean, who goes to a place called Restroom and is like, "You know what? I think I want to order some food"?
Fiona
Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm here.
Fiona
Thank you so much for all your help, Peter. I'll let you know how it goes. Holy shit!
Fiona
Pre-certified for a mortgage loan of up to $100,000.
Did those bankers not learn anything from that mortgage crisis bullshit? I mean, no offense, but giving that kind of money to you?
Fiona
Totally. And thank God for Sean. He was the one who pushed me to get this loan.
Aw, he's like Superman, except for the whole junkie thing. Does he know about Gus's ring?
Fiona
Well, he knows that it exists, but not that I'm pawning it.
Fiona
[Sighs] You know, I've been trying to, like, get angry at Gus, thinking about that bitchy song that he wrote about me, but anyway you look at it, this is shitty.
[Clicks tongue] Oh. It belonged to his grandmama?
Fiona
Yeah, his dead grandma. And there's some story, like she survived the Holocaust with it, like in her cooch.
Fiona
Yeah, it's something intense.
Well, you should get extra for dead grandma's cooch ring.
Fiona
I had it appraised. The guy said it's worth $7,000.
Seven- Seven grand, are you serious?
Fiona
Mm-hmm.
Fuck Gus's dead grandmama. Go on and buy your house.
Fiona
Not anymore.
They can't just take it from us.
Fiona
I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.
Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.
Yeah, and the second. Oh, and the fifth.
That table is where Liam was born.
Fiona
There's nothing we can do.
Can you keep it down in there? Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.
You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?
Scorched earth. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow their conquerors the satisfaction.
Copper's two bucks a pound.
Fiona
Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy. We need a place to live.
Let's see them try to get Nick and I out. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.
Fiona
Carl.
Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades. [To Liam who nods] Think you can pull a pin and throw it? Strap Chuckie up with some explosives and throw him off the roof.
Fiona
Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult. That's big boy prison. Look, the house is gone. It's over. We need to move on.
This is all cause of the mud people. [Points to Nick]
That's what my friends in juvie said. [Frank laughs] What? What did I say?
Chuckie, if you want to stay alive, shut up and go to school.
Where's Lip at? He'd back me up on this.
Fiona
I told him we didn't need him. He needs to focus on school.
[Frank pulls out a circuit breaker causing the electricity to go out] Whoo. If I go along with getting a new crib, it better be sick.
Fiona
We can't pay any more than we already were. We were barely making ends meet as it was.
Why you acting like we ain't got no lettuce?
Fiona
Lettuce?
The Benjamins. Cash. Money. Say the word, and I'll make it rain up in here.
Fiona
I told you, I'm not taking your dirty money.
It must be wonderful living in your little fantasy world where unicorns slide down magical rainbows and everybody on the South Side gets by on the up and up. What do you think this neighborhood runs on? It ain't donuts. Without heroes like Carl here driving our shadow economy, we would've gone the way of the dodo years ago. Hey, can I, um, can I get a relocation advance? [Carl gives Frank a dollar bill] Thank you.
Fiona
[A couple walks in front door with two daughters] Yo! What the hell?!
MMan
I didn't realize the house was still occupied.
Fiona
Oh, shit. You're the new owners.
Fiona
Your mouth would be a much better alarm.
Ah, well, hit snooze and let's double our luck.
Fiona
I got to get back.
Oh. I got to not let you get back.
Fiona
[Laughs] This has been really nice, past couple of nights. No kids. No chaos.
But... You need the chaos?
Fiona
I need to check on some things.
Mm. Does Frank still have that hippie over there?
Fiona
Ugh, yeah, doing God knows what.
Well, no hippies here. Just me and you.
Fiona
Yeah.
Fiona
A letter to Sean's ex-wife.
Fiona
Ask Carl.
Carl, why is Fiona writing a letter to Sean's ex-wife?
Fiona
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, great. I'll just stand here and drink my coffee in silence.
Fiona
Where are you going?
To the commune with Queenie.
Fiona
Except you're not, 'cause you have school, remember?
I need a supportive environment. Not gonna get it here.
Fiona
So that's it for high school, huh? Pregnant dropout at 15. Well played.
You got to graduate, Debs.
Have you heard of "unschooling"? It's a widely recognized form of education.
Queenie says it's when you get knowledge from life instead of books. Like making spaghetti, when you measure water, pasta, salt. That's math.
Fiona
No, that's pathetic.
If I'm desperate, I can just get my GED. You know, like you did.
Fiona
Queenie, are you going to support Debbie as she "unschools" her way through life?
Well, I have so many friends in the commune who have never had a day of conventional education, and they have so much worldly wisdom.
Fiona
You want to quit school, Debs, I can't stop you. Enjoy yourself at... what is it?
Soaring Consciousness Ecovillage. A hundred acres, very peaceful. Oh, and if you see Lip, tell him never to stifle his passion. Ta-ta.
Hey, Frankie, baby. We're off to the commune.
Chuckie's probation papers came yesterday. Grandma is a rolling stone.
That's a great idea. Lying under the stars in a rural paradise. Fresh air, crackling fire. Jeez, that sounds nice. Are we taking the van? [Gets in]
Fiona
It's in here somewhere.
I didn't think your wedding was gonna become an annual tradition like Thanksgiving.
Fiona
I asked Lip and Ian to walk me down the aisle.
The ink's barely dry on your divorce.
Fiona
Why are you giving me a hard time?
I love you, but if you're gonna change your mind, do it before I shell out the money for your bachelorette party tonight.
Fiona
I'm not changing my mind. And it wasn't my idea to have it this early. Look, I am not showing up to your wedding all bloated and looking like shit.
I need time to recuperate.
Fiona
Uh, weeks?
I plan on drinking a lot.
Fiona
[Gasps] I found it.
Where did Monica get the bread for a wedding dress?
Fiona
This was back when her parents had a little money. And they approved of the first wedding.
Fiona
She married Frank twice. First time only lasted a week. She locked him in the trunk of the car. Left him in the Kmart parking lot for days.
Fiona
[Scoffs] It's none of my business. She's made that abundantly clear. She's not sleeping, eating, showering. I wish she'd let one of you just hold the baby.
Well, maybe she's got that postpartum thing. You know, when girls go feral in corners and gouge anyone's eyes out who gets too close.
Fiona
What're those, uh, things called that guys wear at weddings. The flower things?
Fiona
Lip and Ian get 'em, right?
Fiona
I gotta meet with the florist, figure out what I'm orderin'.
If they're walking you down the aisle, they get 'em.
Fiona
Uh, and ushers, groomsmen...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my daughter will be accompanied by her father as she ambles to the altar.
Fiona
Her who? Oh, you mean that deadbeat that consistently fails to take care of his family?
I may not have been present for your first steps or your first lost tooth or your first blow job, but as patriarch, I'm entitled to my traditional place of honor next to you for your big day.
Fiona
Then it's my traditional right to ask said patriarch to pay for it.
Fiona
What?
Done. I'll pay. In money. Cash. Dinero. Greenbacks.
Fiona
Well, you know, if you're catching up on, uh, Dad shit, you can cover my tuition. Teach me how to ride a bike. I never had a sweet sixteen. Could throw me one after the wedding.
You're not falling for Frank's "father of the bride" shtick, are ya?
Fiona
Nothing to fall for.
Well, from here, it looks like ya might be.
Fiona
I'm not letting him in. I'm letting him pay. There's a big difference.
Just don't want you to be disappointed again.
Fiona
[Laughs] Frank has let me down my entire life. This will be no different. I just wanna watch him fake like he's a human for a while. For fun.
Fiona
Ok, let's make a bet. How long till Frank bails? I give it two days.
Fiona
If I win, you have to go down on me every night for a week.
Fiona
Same deal.
You drive a hard bargain, Gallagher.
Fiona
Hey, bean. Cinnamon waffles?
Fiona
Mm-hmm. Uh, you need me to iron a shirt for you?
I got it. Ironing board? [Fiona points to iron board on stairs and Carl brings it down]
Fiona
[Carl is trying to figure out how to unfold it] It's the little lever thing. [Carl unfolds in one motion and sets it down] Shh. Gah, baby's sleeping. Debs was up with her all night. And I really don't mind doing it.
No, it's fine. I have to learn to do it for myself, right? Do my part.
Fiona
Are you wearing cologne?
Aftershave. Good for razor burn. Is there any wedding stuff going on tonight?
Fiona
Uh, nope. You're in the clear till tomorrow. Why?
Gonna watch the DePaul game with Luther tonight.
Fiona
Luther?
Fiona
Girlfriend's father, huh? Sounds like it's getting serious.
Fiona
You get really serious, you know to use protection, right? Condoms? No matter what. We don't need any more accidents around here.
[Comes down stairs] Huh, oh, you mean accidents like Franny.
Fiona
Franny still asleep?
No, I left her up there screaming, hungry, wallowing in a dirty diaper to suffer.
[To Fiona] So we still doing wedding errands today? Flowers, manicures...
Fiona
Yes.
Something borrowed, something blue?
Fiona
Yes.
All right, I'm gonna go get dressed.
It's a brave new world, Fiona.
Shameless · 903 quotes
