[Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
Now I have to get it done.
[Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Right place. I put it on my credit card.
It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
[Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
FionaHey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
Fiona
Who the hell is Jolayemi?
Fiona
Your what?
Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
Fiona
Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
I started an online business.
[Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
Fiona
What was that?
Fiona
Frank's back? Since when?
Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
JJolayemi
Does she sleep in your bed?
Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
[Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
Fiona
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Fiona
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Fiona
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
Fiona
You got restaurant experience?
AApplicant
I've been waiting tables since I was 13.
Fiona
Any felony convictions?
Fiona
Are you working right now?
AApplicant
The place I was at, Pelloni's, closed down. Uh, it's being turned into a Urban Outfitters. The owner here wanted to close this place down, too, but she's giving me a shit to turn it around.
Fiona
Sounds cool. That is just the kind of enthusiasm that I'm looking for. When can you start?
AApplicant
As soon as you want me to.
Fiona
That's great. It's minimum wage, plus shared tips. See you tomorrow at noon for training.
AApplicant
Thank you so much, Miss Gallagher.
Fiona
Hey, Olga?
Fiona
You're fired.
OOlga
You can't fire me. I'm the only woman of color, and I will sue your ass.
DDidi
Excuse me, where's the manager? Hi, I saw your "help wanted" sign.
Fiona
You're hired. Come back tomorrow at noon for training.
[Lip and Fiona are walking to house from opposite directions]
Fiona
I know you are, but what am I?
...
JJolayemi
Come on, Harriet. Sleeping time.
Fiona
Pfft. Is she still scared of me?
Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
Fiona
How do you say "he had it coming" in Nigerian? What are you doing up?
Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me. Begging forgiveness? Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more. Nice sex-hair.
Fiona
Ah, Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it. No strings attached.
Yeah, but you're female. Isn't that always available to you?
Fiona
Maybe. But Tinder makes it simple. No confusion. No misguided weddings. Now I just bone and go so I can save my energy for more important things.
Fiona
Like my job.
Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be directing all your freed up energy there?
Fiona
You're one to talk. You spend all day working for free.
Has a point. But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career. What? It was no offense.
Fiona
Wow. Some taken.
Are you sure about that? Working for free is called slave labor last time I checked.
Fiona
Hey. How'd it go?
Fiona
[Observing busted open cash register] Shit. Do... do you know how much these cost?
It's from, like, 1910, so probably a dollar.
Fiona
I mean the cost to replace it.
Well, we've been doing okay lately.
Fiona
[Scoffs] It doesn't mean we're in a position to buy new equipment. We just got out of the hole Sean dug.
I think we're actually starting to get along kind of.
Fiona
Where you been keeping the cash?
Twenties, fives, tens, and ones. We used calculators and wrote everything down on a pad. Oh... [Chuckles] your, uh, Asian nazi came looking for you earlier.
Fiona
Oh, shit. I forgot. This can't be right. This says that we made over a third more than we usually do.
Grilled cheese was a hit.
Fiona
Whew.
MMarcus
I may have broken a Tinder record for how many places to hit it in one room.
Fiona
So, uh, take the El or call an Uber? Wow. Okay. Down to business, huh? No offense, it's just I'm running a business, and I can't save chips unless I'm working.
Fiona
Oh, I get it... Sex and back to thinking money.
MMarcus
Just a little word of advice... If you're really a businesswoman, you'd stack chips, not save 'em.
Fiona
[Laughs] What are you, my financial consultant? [Hands card to her] Marketplace Consulting International? You mean you're actually a financial consultant?
MMarcus
Let me know when you want to book an investment consultation. I'm just a swipe away. Bye, Fiona.
[Lip and Ian arrive at Fiona's bedroom door with her on bed]
Fiona
Jesus, just come on in. Close the door. Don't let the AC out. [Lip and Ian sit on Fiona's bed]
All right. Pop quiz. What's the most Debbie thing Debbie could possibly do?
Fiona
Pregnant?
Fiona
Uh, joined the Army using Lip's name?
Very funny. [Fiona laughs] Try again.
Fiona
Uh... engaged?
[Points at Fiona] Ding ding ding.
Fiona
[Sighs] Well, I may have been stupid, but at least I was in love.
Fiona
Too bad I missed the shit show.
No, I got work in the morning.
Well, I need it... after Sierra ripped me a new one.
Fiona
I don't want to know.
I do. Why was she so pissed at you?
I freaked out after she ejaculated on me. No, she's really cool. I might've blown it.
Hold on. She ejaculated on you?
Fiona
You mean she pissed on you.
No. I checked the sheets. They weren't yellow.
Fiona
Did it taste like piss?
How the fuck would I know what piss tastes like? Oh, shit. You've tasted piss, haven't you?
Fiona
No!
Fiona
What was it like?
It was like... getting waterboarded. But in a fantastic way.
Fiona
That shit's real?
So a chick is blowing her load on you like she's a dude. Meanwhile, I'm making out with a guy with a vagina. Yeah, he's trans.
Taking testosterone apparently gives you a giant clit.
I'm confused. So, does he have a vagina or no?
No, he does. He doesn't call it that, though. He calls the whole situation his junk.
How do you have sex with the junk?
I don't know. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. No, I'm really into him.
He's a fucking him, all right? Not a her.
[Fiona is sleeping in the laundromat and Etta starts hitting her with a broom]
No sleeping in here! Th- this ain't a homeless shelter!
Fiona
Etta, stop, stop!
Fiona
Hey!
Fiona
Hey, it's me, it's Fiona.
Fiona
Stop! Stop! You sold me the laundromat, remember?! I bought it from you. I paid you 80 grand! Remember?!
Well, you made an awful mess.
Fiona
Yeah, I know, but there's... there's mold under the floor tiles and the ceiling tiles are rotting, so it's a necessary mess.
Well, I- I can't sleep. I used to be able to sleep all night. Then I hit menopause.
Fiona
Want me to walk you across the street to Patsy's? Get a piece of pie?
Fiona
Usually, yeah. Okay. Come on.
Fiona
Am I gonna have to hire a new dishwasher? 'Cause if I catch you drinking on the job again...
You want to breathalyze me? What's that for?
Fiona
I sold the laundromat.
Shit, already? How much you lose?
Fiona
I didn't. Can you believe it? Once I pay off the mortgage and pay Etta back for the improvements, I'll have 75 grand. God, I know I should take it to the bank, but fuck, I can't stop staring at it. I didn't think I'd make this much money in my life.
Yeah, you better, uh, cash that before it bounces.
Fiona
Hey, do you know anything about, uh, mutual funds or IRAs? Figure I should be smart with the money after I blow a little on something fun. Can you pretend to be happy for me?
Oh, no, I gotta go. You know, those of us in the underclass, we have shit to do.
CChad
It's gonna be a Jamba Juice. Cool, huh?
Fiona
Yeah, it's really awesome watching you guys tear apart everything I built.
CChad
Too late for second thoughts.
Fiona
I just came from the bank. I deposited the check. Although I took a picture of it first so I can put it on my wall.
CChad
Feel good paying off the mortgage?
Fiona
I didn't think you guys were gonna tear the place apart so soon.
CChad
We're hosting happy hour. Workers start the remodel tomorrow.
Fiona
Happy hour?
CChad
Mm. South Side Young Professionals.
[Attacking construction worker] Get your hands off my washer! Thief!
CChad
Guessing you didn't tell her yet.
Fiona
No, I did. A couple of times. She's got no short-term memory.
MMan
Lady, stop, please. I gotta work.
Fiona
It's not easy ripping someone from their home of 50 years.
CChad
You get used to it.
CWConstruction worker
Come on. Come on.
[Attacking him with a broom] You silly ass!
CWConstruction worker
Jesus, lady!
Fiona
Okay, Etta, Etta, calm down.
Call the police. They're taking everything.
Fiona
I know, I know. Come on, let's sit down.
What the hell's going on?
Fiona
We talked about this yesterday and last night. We have to leave.
Fiona
'Cause there's asbestos in the walls. And the city found out and they want to shut us down.
That fucking Mayor Daley. First he hands the White House to that goddamn Catholic, and now this crap.
Fiona
We gotta get you out of your apartment. Just for a few days. You can come home with me.
[Gasps] I can stay with you, Sandy?
Fiona
Yep. I got a room all ready for you.
Fiona
Okay.
Oh! Oh, we'll have fun. We can go out on the town and let the boys feel us up on the dance floor.
Fiona
Uh, I only saw her for a second when they were putting her in the ambulance.
She shit herself? People shit themselves when they die. That's why they put diapers on psycho killers before they give 'em the lethal injection.
I touched her when they put her in the ambulance. She was still warm.
Could have still been dead. Body only loses a couple degrees of heat an hour after you kick it.
Lots of things in the body are still alive. Hair, the skin, the nails, all the bacteria in your guts. And you don't start to swell up for at least a couple of days, and then your eyes pop out, skin falls off, then you explode.
What? [Veronica motions eyes to senior woman across waiting room]
Fiona
[Sighs] Yeah.
CDr. Caughey
Monica your mother?
Fiona
Yeah. Um, Fiona. Philip and Debbie.
CDr. Caughey
Hi. Your mother came in unresponsive. We made every attempt to revive her but we were unsuccessful.
Fiona
So she's dead?
CDr. Caughey
No, uh, she died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. A blood vessel in her brain burst.
Shameless · 903 quotes
