I shot a a Mac-10 before. But never one of those.
Need it to if we're gonna get the guy behind the counter to give us all the money in the register. You don't have to. I can do it alone.
Sure you're ready to pop your armed robbery cherry?
Yeah, I've done it lots of times before.
You're cute. Black or camo? [Holds up balaclavas]
...
HSHR secretary
How you holding up?
FionaI've been better. I was wondering if, uh, instead of being fired for misconduct, you could make it so that I was downsized? I don't-- I wouldn't ask if I had any other options.
HSHR secretary
Let me see what I can do. [Mike's sister walks up to Fiona]
MSMike's sister
You have a hell of a lot of nerve. You know, I-I-I withheld judgment when my brother brought you home. I said to myself, "She can't help where she came from, how she was raised, who her parents are." My mom and dad invited you into their home. They let you sit at their table with our family, and in return you destroyed Mike. All of us. And now you come here and you ask if we will lie for you to the federal government. You think that you're a good person. You're not. Destroy your own family. And leave mine alone. [Fiona walks away looking fatalistic]
...
[Aiming gun at clerk] Empty the register!
CSConvenience store clerk
Is this a joke?
CSConvenience store clerk
Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna hand over my money to the lollipop guild. [Bonnie discharges her firearm destroying a tv] Whoa, shit! Holy fuck.
CSConvenience store clerk
Sorry. Okay? Take it.
You should have seen your face.
[Fiona follows an obese couple out of the diner after making relentless demands]
Fiona
Excuse me, was there a problem with your service? Because a tip of 15% or more is standard for--
MMan
You were slow. Thanks.
Fiona
Slow?! Is it that I was slow! Or is it that your bloated metabolism can't handle a five minute wait for the ten pounds of bacon you shoved down your fat throat?!
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! Enough, enough! Do I have to call the cops? What's wrong? What's going on?
Fiona
No tip.
MMan
I want to talk to your manager.
MMan
What do you plan to do about this?
WWoman
Sir, please. She disrespected my husband on Father's Day.
MMan
Slow, rude, and my eggs were undercooked.
Sir, respectfully, if you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat here.
MMan
Seriously? You're siding with this little slut?
[Sean grabs the man by the collar in a rage, they exchange blows and Sean slams him against a wall]
WWoman
Let him go! Let him go!
Fiona
Okay, okay. Sean, let him go.
Okay, I'll let you go. But first, you apologize to my waitress. Then you walk away and you never walk down this street again. You got it?
Fiona
Sorry. You okay?
Fiona
I'll ice it.
[Sean and Fiona are in her kitchen and she's attending to Sean's busted lip]
Fiona
They were just fat assholes.
I run a restaurant, Fiona. Fat assholes are my bread and butter.
Fiona
Wait, are you mad at me now?
No, it's just you-- you could have gone to jail for what, three bucks?
Fiona
What are you talking about?
So you take off your monitor, you're still on probation. Fighting in the street? Why are you stirring shit?
Fiona
I went out there to ask about my tip. You're the one who turned into a rabid dog.
Not that I didn't find that sexy, I'm not going to lie, but, you know, pot, kettle. You bring it out in me.
Fiona
So it's all my fault?
Get out there before one of those fat assholes starves.
I find it charming as fuck that you took a screwdriver to your monitor, and I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip before lunch today.
Fiona
Are you making fun of me?
No, it's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona. And I'm a junkie junkie, so I love chaos, and when I get into chaos, bad shit follows. And women like you...
Fiona
Women like me?
Yeah. Wo-- Hot, sexy, irresistible, fun, troublemaking, chaos causing, women like you... were my drug of choice long before I got into smack. It's funny, in fact. It was a woman just like you shot me up the first time.
Fiona
I would never do that.
No, I know. But you're a slippery slope for me, Fiona. I coulda beat that guy to death this morning 'cause he didn't tip. And it's not your fault. That is not on you. That's on me. But I-I have a son.And I won't risk my relationship with my son. No matter how badly I... want to do very, very bad things both to and with you. I'm not just chaos. I'm better. I've changed. I think I could be really good for you. I hope you keep coming to these meetings 'cause I think they help everyone. But I'm asking you. I'm really asking you, Fiona. Just sit somewhere else when you do.
What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?
You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.
Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?
All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.
You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.
God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.
Fiona
Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.
Fiona
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?
Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.
Fiona
What happened to your hair?
If it was lice again, I could have washed it.
No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.
I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?
V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.
You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.
Fiona
Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.
It's just a fucking haircut.
Fiona
Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.
...
[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]
PPastor
Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.
But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.
PPastor
But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.
But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.
[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]
PPastor
[Moans in pleasure] Yes.
[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]
PPastor
What-- what is this?
PPastor
Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?
Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?
...
It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?
It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...
What? I look like a what?
Whoa, you look like a hooker.
Fiona
That is not a compliment, Debbie.
Totally is. Hookers are hot.
Fiona
Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?
I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?
Fiona
Your friends still aren't talking to you?
Fiona
You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.
Fiona
What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?
[Before the recap flashbacks segment]
Fiona
You don't think I have enough to do around here? Jesus. I'm not your fucking mother. Here's what you missed last week on Shameless.
...
[Fiona is punching Jimmy in the face outside her diner]
Fiona
Where the fuck have you been?!
Fiona
You disappear, you don't return my calls, my texts?!
I had something come up! [Gets slapped] Oh, fuck! Ouch! Fuck! Stop hitting me! [Fiona kicks him in the behind] God damn it! Enough! Enough with the hitting! Are you done?!
Fiona
Where, Jimmy, where?!
I was incommunicado for a while!
Fiona
For weeks, for months?!
About a year. On a boat. A yacht, actually!
Fiona
And not a call?! Not a text?!
I was handcuffed to a metal pipe in the engine room, pissing into an old malagueta can!
Fiona
For a year?!
For a while, yeah. And then I was slave labor in a Brazilian coca processing facility. Not much of a facility, really-- just some tents in the rainforest guarded by ladies with moustaches and AK-47s. Oh, and I caught malaria too. That knocked me out for a few months.
Fiona
That's bullshit!
And then I escaped into the jungle when the DEA showed up with the Federale. God's honest truth, I swear.
Fiona
[Referring to woman in diner] And who the hell is that?!
Fiona
Your partner, as in your girlfriend?!
No, my partner as in crime. And shit, you're the one to talk.
Fiona
You got married? What was I supposed to do?! Was I supposed to sit on my porch, knitting, hoping one day you'd show back up?! You disappeared! Gone! Nothing!
I think you deviated my septum!
Fiona
Good! You're lucky I didn't have a knife! Oh, Jesus. Fuck.
Fiona
You were going to college. You were-- you were becoming a doctor, and then you just vanished.
Fiona
What do you mean, "So what now?!" I'm married!
Uh-huh. Jesus. [Fiona's phone rings]
Fiona
You're such a fucking asshole. Hey, Mickey.
Oh, Mickey Milkovich? Say hello to him for me.
Fiona
Shut the fuck up! Ian did what?! Okay, I'm coming. Yeah. I got to go.
Fiona
I have to go.
Wh-- what did Ian do? So that went well.
CSCarl's lawyer
He is sorry for what he's done, and he has learned from the experience.
JGJudge Gaither
Do you regret what you've done, Carl?
I did something really dumb that I shouldn't have. I trusted a fucking retard with a man's job. Next time I move a bunch of drugs, I'll be smarter.
JGJudge Gaither
If you want to go into my chambers and speak to me off the record, now is the time. Otherwise, you will end up in juvenile prison. Is that what you want?
JGJudge Gaither
That's not what I was hoping to hear.
I know what you were hoping to hear. If Your Honor would lose 20 pounds, I would consider tapping that.
JGJudge Gaither
I think I've heard enough.
...
Fiona
Why the fuck did you do that, Carl?
When Paul Sugden came out of juvie, he knew how to make IEDs and where to launder money. You can't buy that kind of education. Plus, my street cred will be off the chain. Don't worry, I'm gonna make juvie my bitch.
Shameless · 903 quotes
