Fiona Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Debbie

Fiona?

Fiona

Debs, why aren't you in bed?

Debbie

We need to talk.

Fiona

What's up?

Debbie

It's about Steve. There are things you don't know about him.

Fiona

I already know, Debs.

Debbie

You do?

Fiona

Life's messy and people have secrets. But I don't want you worrying about this kind of stuff, okay? You're still a kid. So just be a kid, okay? The grown-ups around here have got things covered.

Debbie

Really?

Fiona

Really. Come on.

Steve

Leave the lights off, please. Are Lip and Ian home?

Fiona

You bastard.

Steve

Are they out of jail?

Fiona

You gave them a stolen car?

Steve

Yeah, Lip asked me. To borrow one 'cause he needed to run some errands or something, and he asked me if I could... I have to leave town.

Fiona

Where the fuck have you been?

Steve

Come with me. Costa Rica. It's beautiful. I have friends there. Why do you have to go to the police? Costa Rica. We can rent a house on the beach.

Fiona

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Steve

The kids would be all right. Lip and Ian can run things. Yeah, Debbie? Carl? Liam? Kev and V can still help around here.

Fiona

Is that what you actually think this is? Like, people popping in, feeding dogs? How much time will you get if you turn yourself in?

Steve

Look at me. I can't go to jail. I might as well wear heels. Come with me, Fiona. How long is it gonna be about them and not about you? When are you gonna finally do something for yourself? Liam's two. 16 more years till he's out of the house. You'll be what, 37, 38? And who says that Frank's done dumping babies in your lap to raise? You deserve a life of your own. Costa Rica. Then maybe Rio. Have you ever been to Rio? You ever been outside of Chicago? I love you. I want to be with you. It's not forever. We'll come back. Three months. Six months. Maybe a year.You can call them very single day. Come with me, Fiona. Come with me. First class. Miami out of O'Hare, tomorrow afternoon.

Fiona

Well, I don't have a passport.

Steve

We'll get one in Miami. I'll meet you at O'Hare tomorrow afternoon. the American terminal. I love you.

Lip

He's right. You should go, Fiona. You've done more than enough. We'll be all right.

Fiona

[Lip comes downstairs to kitchen heavily bruised] Whoa, what happened to you?

Lip

One of my fighters pussied out. I had to fill in.

Fiona

Looks like the pussy had the right idea. Get some ice on that eye.

Debbie

[She comes downstairs] with a clipboard Good morning. We're out of mac and cheese. I can make PB&Js instead, but I'm gonna need more bread.

Fiona

[Debbie pours herself a cup of coffee and Fiona objects pointing] Whoa, half a cup.

Debbie

Exhausted. Liam had me up half the night banging his head. I need my own room. And I want a pony for Christmas. He's a boy, he should be with the boys.

Lip

No way, there's three of us in that room.

Debbie

I'm a girl. I'm gonna be a woman soon. I need privacy to undergo the upcoming traumatic transformation.

Fiona

It's not that traumatic.

Debbie

How would you know?

Lip

Video in 5th grade.

Ian

What we talking about?

Lip

Moving Liam into our room.

Ian

No fucking way.

Debbie

First daycare kid is here. My own room?

Fiona

It's not gonna happen, Debs. Go, go.

Ian

Traumatic transformation?

Veronica

Hey, Justin Bieber, how's things at Goldman Sachs?

Well enough for me to afford getting ripped off here. And it's J.P. Morgan.

Veronica

All you mortgage-raping shits should be in prison anyway.

I was in grad school during the mortgage crisis. Nowadays, we're trying to short Euros so Greece will go bankrupt. [To Fiona] Are we on for later?

Fiona

I haven't decided if I still like you.

Fiona

I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.

My God, you're beautiful. I love you. Dead people poop themselves. [In Debbie's voice] Dead people poop themselves.

Fiona

What? [She wakes up with Debbie standing over her]

Debbie

Dead people poop themselves.

Fiona

Mm, Debs.

Debbie

Harry pooped himself after he died.

Fiona

Harry?

Debbie

Aunt Ginger's boyfriend.

Fiona

I'm going back to sleep.

Debbie

He was my first dead person.

Fiona

Finishing my nice dream now.

Debbie

There are 200 euphemisms for death.

Fiona

Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.

Fiona

[Answers phone] Can't a brother get some sleep here?

Debbie

Bit the dust. Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig. Basted the formaldehyde turkey.

Fiona

Um....

Debbie

Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date. Just add maggots.

Fiona

Mm....

Debbie

Retroactive abortion.

So Fiona Gallagher.

Fiona

Craig Heisner.

You look good.

Fiona

You too.

So, what've you been up to since graduation?

Fiona

I never graduated. My mom split my junior year. So I had to quit school, take care of the family.

Well, that sucks.

Fiona

It is what it is. What'd you do after graduation?

Went into business with my dad. Concrete.

Fiona

Well, that's good.

Yeah, ha. I was surprised to hear from you.

Fiona

I didn't think you'd remember me.

How could I not? You had the best ass in class. Ha, ha, I can still picture you in those sexy shorts running track during our football practices. Did you know I had a crush on you?

Fiona

Back then or now?

Ha, ha, ha, I might've had an inkling.

Fiona

So how come you never jumped me?

I was afraid you might reject me.

Fiona

No, no.

You never jumped me.

Fiona

You were a senior, I was a sophomore. And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you. Now you tell me. Besides, you were with that bitchy cheerleader. What was her name? Lucy Joe?

Yeah. You mean my wife?

Fiona

Oh, shit, sorry.

It's cool.

Fiona

Still together?

We had a few breakups, but we've been together since we were 15. What about you?

Fiona

We haven't been together since we were 15.

There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?

Fiona

No. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.

We would've been good together too.

Fiona

Probably, yeah. Would've been great.

Guess we'll never find out now.

Fiona

Guess not.

My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.

Fiona

What?

Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.

Fiona

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Fiona

I thought it was a joke.

Carl

Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.

Veronica

My steak is too rare.

Fiona

Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]

Lip

What was the final tally in the purse?

Fiona

Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.

Ian

Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?

Lip

Um.... Kim Furtado.

Veronica

Some rich bitch.

Ian

In our neighborhood?

Fiona

I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.

Carl

That guy from your diary?

Fiona

Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.

Veronica

You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?

Lip

It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.

Fiona

Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.

Debbie

In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.

I can't wait to die.

Debbie

Why?

To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.

Debbie

Oh.

Lip

Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?

Fiona

Ride the L more often?

Lip

Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]

Fiona

Hi.

Hey. What's up?

Fiona

I feel bad somebody swiped money. [Produces cash wad from purse]

Yeah?

Fiona

Yeah, I thought...

Oh, please, like I don't know you took it!

Fiona

What?! No.

Come on, you stole my goddamn money! Admit it!

Fiona

I did not!

Of course you did! You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl!

Fiona

Like you're all high and mighty because you moved and have a Louis Vuitton?!

Which you fucking swiped!

Fiona

Which you were stupid enough to leave on the El!

Bitch!

Fiona

Oh, you're the bitch! Okay?! I came here to be nice, but forget it now! [She starts walking away]

Fuck you!

Fiona

Oh, eat me!

Whore!

Fiona

Slut!

Asshole!

Fiona

Cunt!

Off to steal another fucking purse?!

Fiona

Finders keepers, losers weepers!

Fuck you!

Fiona

Fuck!

Fiona

What are you doing wearing my top?

Debbie

Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.

Fiona

Pheromones?

Debbie

It's the thing boys like about you.

Fiona

You mean tits? Think you might be a year or two off.

Debbie

What does Holly Herkimer have that I don't?

Fiona

Besides HPV?

Debbie

You get to dress up.

Fiona

It's going back, tomorrow.

Fiona

Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.

Kevin

Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin

Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

Sheila

Quiet, please.

Jody

Quiet, everyone.

Sheila

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody

That's right, Mom.

Hear, hear.

Sheila

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

Sheila

People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Oh.

Sheila

And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila

Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona

Frank.

Frank

Let them work it out.

Sheila

And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin

Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

Fiona

Mm. Babe, stop. Come on. You know I hate that. I'm gonna stick my thumb in your butt if you don't stop.

Mm, now we're talking. Mm. Morning, sunshine.

Fiona

Who let you in?

Carl.

Fiona

We don't let people in the house before I wake up!

Which guy doesn't like a finger up the butt?

Fiona

What are you doing here?

I came to invite you out on David's boat today.

Fiona

I thought you weren't allowed. Isn't it the wife's?

Yeah, but they're dropping one of the brats off at college.

Kevin

[Snorts cocaine] Whoo! Whoo, that shit is awesome!

Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago. [Kevin laughs]

Steve

[Shows up with Estefania] So this is where the party's at.

Kevin

What's up, you dirty fucker?! How's it hanging?!

Steve

Long and hairy, hard to carry! [Kevin laughs]

Kevin

[Laughs] I miss you, man!

Steve

Sure that's not the drugs talking?!

Kevin

It might be! [Laughs]

Steve

You remember Kev and the gang, right?

[Greets in Portuguese] Hola!

[Jumps up] Ooh, I love this song! Estefania, let's go dance! Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?! Ooh, you are so sexy! Come here! [Takes Estefania away]

Kevin

What are you waiting for?! Drop trou! Jump in!

Steve

All right.

Kevin

[Veronica splashes him] What?!

Fiona

Oh.... [Laughs]

Veronica

Ooh!

Steve

What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.

Kevin

Ah....

Steve

[Gets in jacuzzi and to Fiona] Hey. All right. [Fiona gets up out of jacuzzi] Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.

Kevin

I like your bathing suit.

Steve

Thank you.

Debbie

Where's Grammy?

Fiona

Frank took her to Sheila's late last night. She was having trouble breathing.

Ian

The chemicals from the fire were aggravating her emphysema.

Debbie

Will the chemicals give us emphysema?

Ian

Probably, but we won't know for 50 years.

Fiona

School or out.

Lip

What.

Fiona

My job is to keep this house going. Busting my ass for you. Working eight jobs, making meals, keeping everything straight! Your job is school. School or leave!

Lip

[To Fiona] So you know Monica spent all the squirrel-fund money? I wouldn't have even had the cash to bail her out... if I didn't return a bunch of dolls I found in Debbie's room. The first rule you learn in this house, you hide the goddamn money.

Fiona

She seemed better.

Lip

Look at this place. The sofa is in the kitchen. For fuck's sake, she tried to get Ian to enlist.

Fiona

She what?!

Lip

What did you think was gonna happen, Fiona?!

Fiona

Thought it might be different this time.

Lip

Well, how'd that Kool-Aid taste going down?!

Fiona

Where is she?! [Goes to bedroom to find Monica on bed totally paralyzed from guilt] You could've gotten Carl killed! You tried to get Ian into the Army?! You promised me! [Pulls off bed sheets] Get out of bed! Get out of bed, Mom!

[In a cargo crate in a shipping terminal] Get me out of here! Please! Help! Help!