FionaHow'd you get my dad to Toronto?
Fiona
[Tosses cigarette pack] Canadian health warnings.
I, uh, smuggled him over the border in the trunk of my car. Uh, they didn't check going in.
Fiona
How'd you get him in the trunk?
He was so plastered, he would have jumped into a coffin.
Fiona
And why Canada?
Uh, I had to run a car to Detroit. Plan was dump him someplace weird in Michigan, Flint maybe. When I saw the signs for Toronto, the idea kind of just... snowballed.
Fiona
And you think it-it's funny?
No. Funny would have been Newfoundland.
Welcome home, Daddy. You decent? Thought you might be thirsty. [Hands him beer bottle] It's Canadian. There's more in fridge. I asked Veronica to get it.
I don't want anything Canadian in this house, from this point on. There's no hot water. For fuck's sake!
Fiona
[Fiona hands envelope to him] Disability. It's Saturday. Bank's close at 12:00.
Fiona
[To Debbie] Clean clothes, top of the dryer. [To Frank] Don't ever hit one of my kids again.
Fiona
Never again.
Fiona
Who, Steve? He's probably still outside.
Well, tell him he's not welcome in my house.
Fiona
He's the one who got you back.
Why would he do that? Hmm? When I woke up, in Toronto, in a park, looking like a fucking homeless tweaker, all I could smell was Drakkar Noir. Middle of a park... Drakkar Noir. I just spent five hours with him in that camper. Same fucking smell! Wish you'd taken a camera. Total shithole. Hey, what's urine and Canadian beer have in common? They both come from pussies. Bet you're the only one who missed me.
Fiona
No, 'cause Carl said, "The cable's off. Where's the ladder?" And Lip said, "Dad's the only one who knows what to do on the pole." Did you see Toronto?
Fiona
CN Tower?
Christ, yeah! You can see right across all of Canada from the top. I didn't stay up there long, though. Don't know what Canadian women are into, but they couldn't take their eyes off me, like, "Hey, I'm having that guy." Got a bit unnerving, so I headed on back down. Bits of Canada are beautiful. You just have to know your way around.
Fiona
Do you now?
Oh, ho-ho-ho. Every inch.
Fiona
Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?
You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.
Fiona
Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead.
[He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.
[Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!
...
Fiona
Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.
Tall grande latte, two shots.
Fiona
Sugar?
Fiona
Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.
That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.
Fiona
Lunch?
Fiona
How quaint.
Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?
Fiona
Liam?
Fiona
Costs too much.
Fiona
At least 50 bucks.
Fiona
You're not paying me to fuck you.
No, I couldn't pay you enough.
[They hear a distant thud]
Fiona
Did you hear that?
Fiona
You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?
[Thudding]
Fiona
He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.
[Thudding]
Fiona
You stay with Liam.
Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.
Fiona
Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.
Fiona
Are you okay?
Katie Crasden's having a party.
Fiona
Katie Crasden?
And she... didn't invite you?
Fiona
She's only three. What happened?
Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...
Fiona
Her dad did what?
He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.
Fiona
What wasn't fair? What?
Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.
Fiona
Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?
Fiona
You nearly gave me a heart attack.
[Fiona and Steve glance in Debbie's room and see Katie Crasden's brother Casey in his kiddie chair]
[Fiona bursts into Alibi Room to confront Frank]
Fiona
Jesus, Frank! Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car?
Did they follow you here? Where is it? I was invited to participate in a business venture.
Fiona
What did you do with the money?
That's just it! I wasn't given any money up front! I was simply promised that money would be shared with me once an insurance claim was... was settled.
Fiona
Has that promise been delivered upon?
Fiona
I warned you, Frank. [To Kevin] You knew about this and you didn't tell me?
Fi, I don't have the time to call you every time Frank has a bad idea.
Fiona
Oh, yeah? And say what? "Hey guys, sorry I forgot to light the car on fire."
I was not doing the igniting. I was just doing the "park in a remote location." Unfortunately, I had to make a pit stop, and when I got back, the car was gone.
Fiona
You're gonna take care of this. Now.
Could go to Jersey for a while. Stay with you. Great Uncle George.
Fiona
No. You're staying here, and you're gonna take care of this car, 'cause you're also gonna be here to take care of Carl. [Presents a notice letter from school] He needs you to show up for him at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems. [Flashback to Carl assaulting other boys]
These sound like solutions, not problems.
Fiona
The school disagrees.
He's a boy. This is what boys do! When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's finger.
Fiona
Oh, that's got to be bullshit.
Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex. She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.
Fiona
They're threatening to expel him. Well, go talk 'em out of it. They want a parent. A real parent.
Oh, I guess you're off the hook then, Frank.
I have never been threatened by teachers, and I am not going to start now. I am fed up with these pangender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles! They want to remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters. Well, do your research! We're all descendents of barbarians, and the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating. So, hell no, I won't go, 'cause no one scares Frank Gallagher!
[Two thugs enter the Alibi Room]
Oh, shit. [He runs out back door]
Fiona
This is his brother. Uh, Phillip.
Very good to see you again, sir.
Fiona
Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh, and while we may not be the legal guardians of our brother, we do supply him.
I told you I wanted to see a parent.
Fiona
We just opened the letter today.
TTeacher
I gave Carl the letter last week.
So you're relying on a nine-year-old to deliver important correspondence?
TTeacher
You don't seem to have a home phone.
Fiona
Carl is taken care of at home by loving siblings.
This is not up for negotiation. Your brother is on the verge of being expelled, and unfortunately, there are steps the state requires to be taken before he can be bounced, and a meeting with his legal guardian is the next step.
Fiona
Please, you can't do this. I mean, he loves school.
TTeacher
More potential victims here, I suppose.
Fiona
No, all his friends are here. Can you stop it? I'm serious. He needs more structure, we know.
What Carl needs is medication, a near-death experience, or a lobotomy.
I'm placing a call to social services. A home without a legal guardian is a home we cannot condone.
[He enters office] Hello all. Uh, sorry I was late. I got held up at the office. So, now that Fiona and I are engaged, I've filed the paperwork so that we can become the legal guardians of the children.
TTeacher
Do you realize Carl's report card has seven U's?
Fiona
Uh, U's?
TTeacher
As in unsatisfactory.
But don't think of U as in unsatisfactory. Think of U as in F.
Fiona
As in failed?
As in fucked. I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan. Now, something drastic must be done, or he's going to slip down through the cracks, right up into a clock tower with a sniper rifle.
TTeacher
Given our resources, he is beyond our ability to help.
Fiona
It's just a phase. And... now that we're aware of it...
Too late! This Norman Rockwell display might warm the cockles of some other fool who believes no fucking child, not even the budding psychotics, should be left behind, but the fact is, the sooner Carl is put in prison, the safer this world is gonna be.
More of a Mickey Hart fan when it comes to paintings? [Referring to terrapin turtle sculptures]
What? What's that? More of a Mickey Hart fan than a Norman Rockwell fan. Mickey Hart's an all right painter for a drummer.
Could you all excuse us for a second?
If we could just take a walk and talk in private? Get a breath of fresh air?
[Fiona bursts into Alibi Room]
Fiona
Bills. From our creditors. You've been buying stuff using our names?
Frank': Never used your name.
Fiona
Do you know how much debt your kids are in?
Frank': Seventy-five hundred. I couldn't get them to raise the limit.
Fiona
Plus interest.
Frank': It's the credit-card company you should blame. I didn't cause the downfall of the American economy. The president said, "Spend." I spent. Where's my Purple Heart?
Fiona
[Fiona walks over the the bar's TV] Is that a new flat-screen?
JJess
Smashed the first one when he was on crystal microdot.
Frank': Meanwhile, some guy named Paco is jumping a fence and taking my job. Where's the justice? Sends for his whole family, packs them in, 20 to a room. Guess who's supporting them. Me. My taxes. What happened to personal responsibility?
Fiona
Never use their names again. [She leaves]
Hey, I'm going out. What's up?
Fiona
Hard day. Why are you so upset with Dad?
Fiona, we've, uh, been through this before. Remember? The last time Dad was sober.
Fiona
Yeah. So?
He, uh, had a bet with some guy at the bar and became the perfect dad. It was the first time he ever came to little league. And, uh, I hit a double. Fucking never saw him so proud. You knew he was gonna go back to his regular shitty self.
Fiona
No, that's, uh, the thing. I didn't know.
There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.
You did PCP? Without me? You promised we would do that together.
Fiona
Excuse me, can we get back to who lan's father is?
Uh, uh, I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank. It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.
Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?
All right. The results say that you, Frank are absolutely not my father. But my father is a close relative. Most likely one of your brothers.
Fiona
Three.
RRoberta
I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.
She gonna leave me again with six kids? Leave me to deal with all the shit?
Fiona
You mean leave me to deal with the shit.
I didn't leave you. You drove me out. No self-respecting person could stay with you. You treated me like a dog.
Fiona
Hey. You need to let us raise Liam. I don't care what the tests results say, Liam belongs with us.
I can't believe you want a divorce.
Fiona
What?
Me and Bob deserve a family of our own.
Fiona
You had a family. You left it.
I didn't leave you. He drove me out.
Fiona
You should have protected us.
I tried but I couldn't. Fiona, if I didn't leave, I would have died.
Fiona
Oh, cut the shit, Myrna Loy.
You have no idea what it was like being married to him. You have no idea how bad it is.
Fiona
Yeah? Try me.
Fiona
Oh, come on, now. Okay. I know that he tortured you. I know that he ruined you. But we didn't marry him, Mom. You did. If you love us, any of us, in any way... you'll leave Liam, take your girlfriend' get in your truck and never come back.
Shameless · 903 quotes
