Fiona Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Carl

[Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.

Sheila

I think he looks beautiful.

Debbie

What's wrong with him?

Fiona

He has Down syndrome, Debs.

Lip

Yeah, and he's Asian.

Kev

Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Lip

What the fuck, Karen?!

Karen

I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

Fiona

[about Steve] Christ, V. I can't let him back into this madness.

Veronica

Isn't that his choice?

Fiona

Well, he thinks he wants it now. Just wait a year or two, when I have one in the oven and Frank throws up on our bed in the middle of the night or Monica tries to hang herself in the closet with an old shoelace.

Steve

You're going to be disappointed.

Fiona

Wouldn't be the first time somebody's disappointed me.

Fiona

[Gasps] Shit!

Steve

What's the matter?

Fiona

$1,000.

Steve

Mm, back to sleep.

Fiona

I can't breathe.

Steve

Maybe it has something to do with the pillow on your face.

Fiona

I gotta pay the property tax.

Steve

All right, come here, come here, come here.

Fiona

Stop poking me with that thing.

Steve

Thought you liked me poking you with this thing.

Fiona

What was I thinking? [Sighs exasperatedly]

Steve

[Fiona is in the shower and he sits on the toilet] Is this about the club thing?

Fiona

I woke up having a panic attack that I was just like Frank and Monica taking our money, except I wasn't even getting high with it.

Steve

You know, you're gonna throw a kick-ass club night. You gotta be entrepreneurial, right? Invest in yourself.

Fiona

Are you taking a dump right now?

Steve

Like clockwork, every morning.

Fiona

Jesus.

Steve

What, I can't take a dump in here?

Fiona

[Grabs towel] Not in front of me you can't.

Steve

You were in the shower.

Fiona

Yeah, and now I'm out of the shower.

Steve

I wouldn't care if you took a dump in front of me.

Fiona

[Sighs and opens door with Lip, Ian and Carl running frantically in hall] Oh! What's going on?

Lip

Frank drunk looking for a bed!

Fiona

Who the hell let him in?

Lip

Debbie!

Ian

We begged her not to.

Lip

He's not hot-bunking my bed.

Carl

Why can't he sleep out on the porch? It's warm enough.

Frank

I want my old bed back.

Fiona

Oh, hell, no!

Debbie

Up. Step, step.

Fiona

Morning, Frank.

Frank

This is my house!

Debbie

It's okay, Daddy. You can sleep in my room.

Lip

Wouldn't do it, Debs. He's especially ripe this morning.

Carl

Frank smells like dog piss.

Frank

Not dog piss! Gary the homeless guy.

Debbie

Come on, Daddy. Sweet dreams, Daddy.

Carl

Hey, that's my tent.

Debbie

[Shoves him in chest] I'll hose it off after he wakes up.

Ian

Debs, don't let Frank in here anymore.

Debbie

This is his home too. He disappeared for months. And now he's back. [Shoves her way past] Excuse.

Debbie

Hey, Daddy. Brought you breakfast. And the newspaper. Good to have you home. Can you help me with my social studies project? It's on the civil war. Gotta build Lincoln's log cabin.

Frank

Deb.

Debbie

Hmm?

Frank

Too much noise. [Shoves her away] I need peace and quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [Debbie looks at him looking cheated]

Fiona

Five, six, seven, eight... $900? That's all I have left?

That's not bad for your first gig.

Fiona

But that doesn't even cover my deposit. I lost $100 doing this night.

Surprised you didn't lose more. It took me, like, eight gigs before I saw a profit. You gotta pay your dues.

Fiona

[Arrives at house to meet Veronica on front steps] Hey. What's going on?

Veronica

Can I sleep here tonight?

Fiona

Sure. [Veronica goes in house]

Lip

How'd you do?

Fiona

It's gonna take a while till I start making money. Here. Almost all of it. I'll get the rest, I promise.

Lip

Ah, keep it.

Lip

Well, if you're gonna gamble our money, you should hold onto it, right?

Fiona

[Scoffs] I was trying to better our situation, Lip.

Lip

Oh, congratulations. You risked everything, and you didn't even break even.

Fiona

It was my first time doing this.

Lip

That's not the point. You made a decision without consulting the rest of us.

Fiona

I'm in charge of this family.

Lip

Really? No, sorry, that's- that's news to me. [Mandy appears from front door and leans on porch railings] You see, Fiona, if we're gonna be every man for himself, this family is going under fast.

Fiona

Here, just take the money, okay? Pay the property tax. I'll get the rest tomorrow somehow.

Lip

No, I don't need it.

Fiona

What?

Lip

I took care of the situation myself.

Fiona

[Scoffs] How?

Lip

Told a bunch of North Side kids that Wilco was playing at your party. It's like I said. The only way to make money when you're poor is to steal it or scam it , like Don King or Joe Kennedy. But hey, um, let me know if the rules are changing, right, And you're gonna pull this shit again? Maybe I'll have to take over the family money, huh? [He goes in house with Mandy]

[Over intercom] Princess, it's time for your break. Princess, stop working so hard.

Fiona

Princess, I got it. Go take your break.

It's not a "break" break. It's a "bobby" break.

Fiona

How'd cashier work get weird? I think everyone at work other than me is blowing the manager.

Jimmy

That's genius. Evil genius.

Fiona

Taking advantage of women who can't afford to lose their jobs? It's sick.

Jimmy

Then quit.

Fiona

I need the job. Overtime. Benefits. But eventually, they're all gonna realize I'm not carrying my share of the load. Literally. Maybe I can figure out a way to make 'em all stop before they realize I'm getting a free ride. Yeah, if we stick together, Collectively boycott giving him what he wants, maybe it can stop. There's strength in numbers. United we stand. Divided, we keep sucking dick. Hey, revolutions have begun with less inspiring phrases.

Veronica

[Reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?

Fiona

Bakery guy is dyslexic.

Frank

Enough with the kicking! Christ!

Fiona

Where is she?!

Frank

I can't- I give up. I need sleep.

Fiona

Let me spell this out for you. The city digs up some bones. The police show up. They figure out it's Aunt Ginger. They date the bones. They realize she's been dead for 14 years, And yet, her social security checks are being cashed every month. This isn't a DUI, Frank. You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. Think about it.

Frank

Fuck.

I can't wait to get my period. Mom said it's the body's tribute to female sacrifice.

Fiona

You're not a girl, honey. You're a boy who was raised By a jacked-up meth head of a mom Who made you think you were a girl Because she hates men.

I'm not a girl?!

Debbie

I think I'm gonna puke.

Fiona

Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?

Carl

[Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!

Fiona

Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!

Lip

You get those from the fireworks stash?!

Fiona

Yeah!

Lip

Go get some more!

Fiona

[Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!

Jimmy

[Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--

Fiona

Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.

Jimmy

Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?

Fiona

Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!

Jimmy

You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.

Fiona

Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!

Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?

Fiona

We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.

Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.

Frank

And 60s!

Carl

She did magic tricks?

Frank

No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.

We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.

Fiona

Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?

Yep.

Fiona

And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?

It was never your house.

Lip

It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.

Signed and notarized.

Lip

I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.

I gotta get back to my family.

Fiona

Six kids with nowhere else to go.

Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?

Lip

You want to tell them or should I?

Frank

Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.

Ian

Why is Frank here again?

Fiona

There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

Carl

Patrick wants to steal our house?

Lip

He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.

Fiona

Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.

Debbie

I'll write them down.

Ian

[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?

Fiona

More like 15.

Debbie

[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.

Lip

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.

Fiona

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.

Frank

Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

Lip

What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

Debbie

Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.

Jimmy

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

Debbie

Yeah, that's three.

Frank

Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.

Debbie

Option four. Kill Patrick.

Frank

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.

Ian

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

Frank

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.

Fiona

You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

Lip

Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

Fiona

All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.

Frank

Well, like hell it is.

Fiona

Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.

Carl

Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

Fiona

Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

Frank

This is why democracy does not work.