Fiona[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Fiona
Where did you get all this stuff?
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Fiona
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Fiona
Mm-hmm.
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
Fiona
Yeah.
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Fiona
Nice!
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Fiona
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Fiona
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
Fiona
Really?
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
What happened to the Alibi?
Fiona
Svetlana stole it from them.
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
Fiona
There's got to be something that you can do. You can't just let her win.
Kev went to go see that lawyer you used about suing, but he said it'll take years.
Fiona
The Alibi is yours, not Svetlana's. It's not right.
Where's Carl? Wasn't he coming?
Fiona
Yeah, I texted him the address.
Fiona
Isn't she here illegally? You were never legally married to the bitch, right? She was already married to her dad.
Yvon. Wasn't really her dad.
Fiona
So? Call Immigration on her commie ass. They'll ship her back to Mongolia or wherever.
CConnie
Have you had a chance to consider what sort of arrangements you'd like to make for your loved one?
Fiona
Yeah, how do we get her into the ground as soon as possible?
CConnie
Ah. Are you Jewish?
Fiona
No.
Fiona
No.
Fiona
Not recently.
CConnie
We offer memorial packages for families of all faiths.
Fiona
Unless you offer something for narcissistic hedonists, let's focus on fast and cheap.
CConnie
This is our most popular affordable package, the "Dearly Beloved." It's all inclusive. Preparation of the body, classic series casket, viewing, gravesite preparation, burial, and a lovely engraved granite headstone.
Fiona
How much?
Fiona
What else you got?
CConnie
The "Everlasting Love." Preparation of the body, no viewing, wooden casket, engraved granite plaque, gravesite preparation, and burial.
Fiona
How much?
Fiona
Cheaper.
CConnie
The "Eternal Peace." Preparation of the body, cremation, and a decorative urn for your loved one's ashes.
Fiona
And?
Fiona
[Scoffs] What can I give me for $500 or less?
CConnie
A cardboard refrigerator box and a gallon of gasoline in our parking lot out back.
Fiona
I'll take that one.
CConnie
No love lost, huh?
Fiona
It was... an eventful childhood. Okay, Connie. Connie, no bullshit.
Fiona
What's the cheapest way I can get this woman into the ground?
CConnie
[Takes deep breath and sighs] No embalming, we keep her in the fridge until we can cremate her and give you back the ashes in what is essentially an old coffee can. $750.
Fiona
Nope, V, I'm done with it. No more pointless sex bent over a dirty sink in a club bathroom or scraping my ass on a rusty alley dumpster with my underwear pushed down around my ankles. [To man staring at her] Eat your quinoa. [To Veronica] A few weeks ago, I had this joker. He comes, and then he bursts out crying. Turns out his wife had just dumped him. I was stuck there for, like, an hour consoling him, when all I really wanted was to go home to my own bed.
You could have just left.
Fiona
What kind of person would I be if I just left him there like that?
The kind of person who uses Tinder to intentionally avoid intimacy on an almost daily basis.
Fiona
It's not daily. I just... I can't be that person who wakes up in the wet spot of some guy whose name I can't even remembers again.
I would kill for a wet spot. With Kev on nights and me on days, we barely see each other, much less make a mess in the sheets.
Fiona
What if I run over Svetlana with Kevin's truck? It'd be vehicular manslaughter, right? I'd get, what, eight years? Probably do four. I could do four years.
It's enough already with the "killing Svetlana" fantasies.
Fiona
Tragic bathroom slip and fall? I hide in the shower, hit her on the top of the head with the toilet lid. Make it look like an accident.
Fiona
New owner, yeah.
Fiona
Hi. Fiona Gallagher.
If you're here to meet the gas company, he's been and gone.
Fiona
Shit.
Nah. I let him in. He checked the meter and split.
Fiona
Thanks.
You're welcome. I do a lot of things around the building. Lightbulbs, clogged toilets, leaky faucets, stuff like that. The previous owner didn't do shit.
Fiona
Are you a... handyman?
Handy, but not a man. Nah, I'm an accountant. United Airlines. What about you? Where are you from? Humboldt Park? Bucktown? Making a small real estate play to jazz up your 401k?
Fiona
Hardly. I'm South Side, through and through. You?
Immigrant from distant shores... Oak Brook.
Fiona
That's nice. What brings you down here to live among the great unwashed?
I'm a pilgrim escaping gender persecution. Local country club ladies weren't too pleased with my choice of dance partners. So have you met any of the other tenants yet?
Fiona
No.
Well, the old lady with cancer and cats has been living in 1C since the South seceded from the Union. Vet with PTSD in 2D always has really good weed. And the junkie couple in 1D fight a lot and occasionally set shit on fire. And the woman with the couple dozen kids from a couple dozen different dads in 1A. The kids are a terror.
Fiona
Think it's too late to ask the bank for my deposit back?
So are you gonna move in here yourself or rent this one out?
Fiona
Gonna rent it.
Fiona
Not sure. Area's up and comin'.
Urban homesteaders and all that.
Fiona
Yeah. Lincoln Square lumberjacks are definitely migrating south.
Fiona
Cool, I'm not looking. And you're not my type anyway.
Fiona
Blonde and bitchy. I'm a masochist... Not physical pain, but emotional turmoil is my thing.
Fiona
Thank God for the new bourgie tenant moving in. Everyone is late with their rent except you and the guy in 2C?
Yep. Get used to it. Deadbeats in this building never paid what's-his-ass on time either.
Fiona
And he didn't do anything about it?
That loser only cared about using this place to get laid. He was like a walking ad for HPV.
Fiona
Guess I better get checked for HPV.
Fiona
Do you love me any less?
[Chuckles] Nah, I brought home a few nasty girls BM.
Fiona
Before Mel.
[Fiona and Ness chuckles] Just toss out whoever hasn't paid their rent and start over.
Fiona
Nah, I've been late on the rent before. I wanna give everyone a chance to pay.
Sack up. It's business. [Gets up and starts to walk away, turns to Fiona] I expect the druggies, the hoarder, and the mom with 72 kids to be out of here by the time I get back.
Fiona
Mm-hmm. Have a good day, dear.
CCrystal
[Walks to exterior ironwrought door of apartment with children running amok] Come on.
Fiona
Hi.
Fiona
Hi, I'm Fiona Gallagher. How are you? I'm the new landlord.
CCrystal
[Child screams] Hey!
Fiona
Uh, your rent was due on the first.
Fiona
It's the sixth.
CCrystal
Shut up! Your father didn't get his crack ass incarcerated, I might have money for the nice landlord lady!
Fiona
Do you know when you might have it?
CCrystal
Uh, I'm working a shift at the Private Peak Hotel tonight, so I'll ask my manager to give me an advance.
Fiona
Is that the place on Cermak?
CCrystal
That's the one, yeah.
Fiona
I used to work there too. Housekeeping.
CCrystal
No shit. That's what I do. Yeah.
Fiona
Yeah, wow. Now look at you. Really making something of yourself. I just got lucky. I mean, I raised my five brothers and sister myself.
CCrystal
Oh, how about that? We're like two peas in a motherfuckin' pod.
CCrystal
[Kid bangs] Fuck! James Jr.! You better put that lamp down. Don't crack it over your sister's head again. Better go before these demonseeds kill each other.
Fiona
All right, I'll come back tomorrow.
CCrystal
Oh, good. See you tomorrow. [Closes interior door]
Fiona
Nice talking to you.
Fiona
Crystal, it's Fiona. Don't run. I just wanna talk.
Fiona
I'm not gonna evict you, don't worry.
Fiona
But you gotta meet me halfway. Can we come up with a plan together?
Fiona
Well, you can't live here for free. Would you be able to give me something? Maybe half the rent now, half in a week or two?
CCrystal
I guess I could do that.
Fiona
That's great!
CCrystal
Yeah, I'll get my checkbook. [Closes door and then reopens moments later handing Fiona a check]
Fiona
Okay. I understand how difficult and stressful this can be. I've been in your position many times. Have you thought about signing the kids up for camp? It's free over by the park and maybe you could pick up a few more shifts at the hotel?
CCrystal
Yeah, I'll think about that. Okay.
Fiona
No more ditching me, okay?
CCrystal
You got it. [Closes door]
Fiona
"Paid to the order of the cock-guzzling, sellout bitch landlord." One cent?! Hey! Fuck you!
[Lip, Ian, Debbie and Carl are in the apartment that Fiona is renovating and she is sitting on floor with back against wall]
If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful if you could just tell us... tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[Fiona sighs and gets up to them lined up like a bootcamp rollcall]
Is this the part where you lecture us? 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that...
Fiona
You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this... how hard you tried not to have to come to me. Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit... one simple truth. Which is that I was right. When I told you that keeping the meth... was a bad idea...
Fiona
[Whispers] ...I was right. When I begged you not to take it... I was right. When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was... super fucking right.
Fiona
I am the one who saw to your survival...
[Ian groans]
Fiona
...since you were babies. I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact. So, I want you to remember this moment. So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe... just... maybe you will fucking listen!
Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona?
Fiona
I am, Debs. I am. Right after every single one of you says... "you were right."
[Ian sighs]
Fiona
"And I was wrong, Fiona."
Fiona
[Laughs] Yeah.
MMel
[Comes up to Fiona in the under renovation apartment] Did you have a chance to reconsider my friends' application?
Fiona
I did not have that chance, Mel. I was dealing with a... family situation. And I was too busy texting Bahir and discovering your bedbug bullshit.
Fiona
[Inhales deeply and starts walking up to Mel's face] So... I've been trying to be... nice. Been trying to be mature. Trying to rise above my station in life. But if you wanna go ghetto on me... I will beat you at that game every fucking time. So, you're gonna call Bahir and tell him that you were lying. 'Cause if you don't... I'll fill your bed with real bedbugs just so I have an excuse to burn all your shit in the street. And then I'll evict you so that I can double your rent. 'Cause you don't scare me. We clear? [Mel nods head] All right, baby. You can do this. I'm right here.
[Fiona and Margo are meeting with two black men at The Alibi Room]
And these are contingencies, like appraisals, and, um, inspections and mortgage agreements, but no rush, by the way. It's just for your information.
M1Man 1
We'll have our lawyers look it over.
Fiona
Sounds good.
Fiona
Hey.
Well, your office said we could find you here. [Hands over envelope] I have a check for the church. It's a down payment.
The youth shelter. We were gonna lease it, but now we wanna buy it.
Fiona
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor?
Fiona
This is my brother.
Fiona
Come outside a second. I'll be right back. [Fiona and Ian walk out of the diner] Those guys are buying the church.
Wait, has anyone signed anything yet?
Fiona
Well, no, not yet.
Cool, okay, so go tell them not to.
Fiona
Ian, you don't want that place. It's... it's a piece of shit inside.
Oh, no, we love it. It's perfect.
Fiona
Well, you'll find another place. I mean, trashed buildings that nobody wanted before are popping up for sale all over.
They'll find another place. We found it first.
Fiona
The neighborhood is against the shelter.
You, like, speak for the neighborhood now? People wanna feel safe.
Fiona
My kids wanna feel safe. These guys are South Side. They want to give back. They want to engage the community, provide programs for kids in need. Kids like yours!
My kids don't need art classes. They need homes. They're at-risk.
Fiona
They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian. That girl you brought into our house bit off a dick!
That's exactly why she needs help!
Fiona
I have worked too hard and risked too much of my ass and put it on the...
I promised those kids that church, Fiona. I am not tearing it...
Fiona
Find another fucking church! [He walks away unsatisfied]
Fiona
Hey.
Fiona
Thanks.
You know what I just realized?
Fiona
Is something wrong?
If I were gay, I would be all over you. You're gorgeous, and I already love you, but... I'm just not interested in your vagina. And that tells me that I'm not a lesbian. Simple logic.
Fiona
Does this have anything to do with the Russian invasion of your pussoir again?
There's something about that angry bitch that gets me off even when I want to stab her with a rusty carving knife.
Fiona
It's pretty obvious, isn't it? You like it when she bosses you around.
I do not like it. It pisses me off.
Fiona
Well, it doesn't piss off your vagina. V, you like to be dominated.
Dominated? Have you met me?
[Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]
Fiona
What the fuck?!
Fiona
No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...
Fiona
[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!
Think we should do something?
She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.
He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?
So we shouldn't do anything?
Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.
Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.
No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.
Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?
Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.
I still need $3,527 for tuition.
Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.
[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.
Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.
Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.
[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!
Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!
Fiona
[Speaking on bullhorn to tenters] You look hungry. I bought you pizza. It's being delivered right now to the park. Completely free. All you have to do is go there and eat it.
TTenter
Hey, hey, Ian says we're not to leave camp.
Fiona
[Without bullhorn] It's meat lovers pizza! [Into bullhorn] I repeat, there is hot, free meat lovers pizza waiting for ya! Twelve large pies! And I will pay you 20 bucks each to go eat it! Okay! Follow that pepperoni smell! Who wants a crisp $20 bill?! [Repeatedly] You get a 20... You get an extra 20. An extra two 20s. [To migrant laboreres] Okay, boys! Bring it in! Rapido, rapido! Clear the lot! Thank you, thank you! Everything goes!
Shameless · 903 quotes
