Frank Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Frank

You missed it, didn't ya? You don't know what happened last week. You want me to tell you? Give me 100 bucks. Come on, 100 bucks, I'll tell you what ha... Okay, 50 bucks! You make a good living! Give me some fucking money! You want to know what happened or not?! Well then, fuck you! I'm not telling you! [Walks away]

Frank

[After cutting off the necrotic toes of a fainted Debbie on the kitchen table with a garden trimmer and cauterizing her toe stubs] Smells like steak.

Frank

[To support group] Thanks, thank you. Thank you. I just wanna say, before I go, this last month has been a great journey and one I couldn't have survived without all of you. Thank you. Thank you. [Support group murmurs] Um... I found myself alone in the woods on a snowy night, and there came a fork in the road... one, a path that led to addiction. The other...path also led to addiction, but I turned the sleigh around, and it has made all the difference. Wha-W-Walt Whitman has always been a personal favorite of mine. Anyway, I'm outta the woods, and I hope you all will join me there. I love you guys! Good-bye. [Laughs] Gimme five! Thank you, thank you! [Repeatedly] I love you... I'll see you all again!

Frank

Nobody's saying our neighborhood is the Garden of Eden. Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether, but it's been a good home to us, to me and my kids, who I'm proud of, 'cause every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me. Fiona, my rock, huge help. Has all the best qualities of her mother, except she's not a raging psycho bitch. Blow. Lip, smart as a whip. Straight "A"s and the honor roll. Boy's definitely going somewhere. [Lip is running at full sprint from two police officers hot on his tail]

You, come back! Stop!

Frank

Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic. Don't have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper. Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock. Carl. Uh, I don't really know that much about Carl. Oh, loves animals. Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room. [Carl holds up a cat and blowtorch.] Ah, Debbie. Sent by God, total angel. Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in. Liam, going to be a star. I'm no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor. He and the ex were close. Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors. There's nothing the won't do for each other. Or to each other. [Kevin and Veronica are performing BDSM]

Kevin

That didn't hurt half as much as I thought it would!

Frank

I never realized how little sex I was having till V and Kev moved next door. And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, knows the most important thing in this life... we know how to fucking party! [Multiple police cruisers arrive driving over the lawn and start mass arresting the specatcle attendees]

No! Fuck you, man!

Ian

[To Frank] Hey. Is that my shirt?

Frank

Yeah.

Ian

I-I'm just asking. [Frank headbutts Ian in the nose in front of whole family]

Steve

Whoa!

Frank

Guy in the bar said to pass it on.

Steve

What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank?!

Fiona

Jesus Christ, Dad!

Steve

You're drunk, Frank, you're drunk!

Frank

This-this is drunk? Stop it, okay, Steve? You want to see drunk?

Steve

Don't do this to your kids, Frank.

Frank

Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a fuckin' tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Fiona

Steve, go! Get out!

Steve

Hey, just go.

Frank

He's shitting his pants. Pussy.

Steve

You're pathetic, Frank.

Fiona

Get out now! I mean it!

Frank

Come on. Don't go. Come on. Puss, puss, puss, puss. What? You want to say something, pussy? Mr. Joe fucking...Ah, get the... Pussy.

Veronica

Ice.

Frank

It's a bloody nose. He's not dying.

Veronica

Really, Frank?

Frank

Anybody notice that I'm bleeding?

Frank

How the hell did I end up in Canada?! Hey! I hate fucking Canada.

Keep it down in there.

Frank

I'm an American. Apple pie, lower 48, Air Supply.

If you're an American, where's your passport?

Frank

I don't have one! I told you, I never had a passport. I don't want a passport.

Shut up and sleep it off, okay?

Frank

Why would I want to come to Canada? So your national health care can make me wait 60 years for a new kidney? The whole country's a bunch of parka-wearing, draft-dodging, chickenshit cowards who didn't have the balls to stay home and fight the Vietcong to preserve our American way of life. No snow at the Winter Olympics? What the hell was that?!

♪ O Canada... ♪

Frank

It's the Winter Olympics!

♪ Our home and native land ♪

Frank

What are you doing? Holding your cocks, handing out maple leaf sugarloafs?

♪ True patriot love... ♪

Frank

You couldn't even get the Olympic torch to fucking light!

♪ In all thy sons command. ♪ That a Chicago accent?

Frank

Who said that?

PhD... University of Chicago, school of economics.

Frank

Oh, man, thank you. Tell him, will ya...? Just tell him I'm an American. Hey, there's a guy back here knows I'm an American.

I can help. Got any money?

Frank

What?

Cigarettes?

Frank

No. I don't have anything. Think you can get close enough to those bars for a reach around hand job?

Debbie

Welcome home, Daddy. You decent? Thought you might be thirsty. [Hands him beer bottle] It's Canadian. There's more in fridge. I asked Veronica to get it.

Frank

I don't want anything Canadian in this house, from this point on. There's no hot water. For fuck's sake!

Fiona

[Fiona hands envelope to him] Disability. It's Saturday. Bank's close at 12:00.

Fiona

[To Debbie] Clean clothes, top of the dryer. [To Frank] Don't ever hit one of my kids again.

Frank

Your kids? They're my...

Fiona

Never again.

Frank

Is he still here?

Fiona

Who, Steve? He's probably still outside.

Frank

Well, tell him he's not welcome in my house.

Fiona

He's the one who got you back.

Frank

Why would he do that? Hmm? When I woke up, in Toronto, in a park, looking like a fucking homeless tweaker, all I could smell was Drakkar Noir. Middle of a park... Drakkar Noir. I just spent five hours with him in that camper. Same fucking smell! Wish you'd taken a camera. Total shithole. Hey, what's urine and Canadian beer have in common? They both come from pussies. Bet you're the only one who missed me.

Fiona

No, 'cause Carl said, "The cable's off. Where's the ladder?" And Lip said, "Dad's the only one who knows what to do on the pole." Did you see Toronto?

Frank

Yeah.

Fiona

CN Tower?

Frank

Christ, yeah! You can see right across all of Canada from the top. I didn't stay up there long, though. Don't know what Canadian women are into, but they couldn't take their eyes off me, like, "Hey, I'm having that guy." Got a bit unnerving, so I headed on back down. Bits of Canada are beautiful. You just have to know your way around.

Fiona

Do you now?

Frank

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Every inch.

Fiona

This is Aunt Ginger?

Frank

In the flesh.

Fiona

Ginger has a hard-on.

Frank

She was born with a large clitoris. As kids, we were told to keep our hugs brief

Fiona

Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?

Frank

You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.

Fiona

Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead.

Frank

Oh, here we go! No traffic tickets to issue today? No one to pull over for swinging wide on a left-hand turn? Or is this a supportive "friend party" for a cop who shot some poor fucker wasn't even armed?! Leave the people around here alone. They're good folks!

Who are the parents? Let's go, people. Out of the way. Your child's missing?

Have you ever done a testicular self-examination?

Frank

Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone.

Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party.

Fiona

Jesus, Frank! Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car?

Frank

Did they follow you here? Where is it? I was invited to participate in a business venture.

Fiona

What did you do with the money?

Frank

That's just it! I wasn't given any money up front! I was simply promised that money would be shared with me once an insurance claim was... was settled.

Fiona

Has that promise been delivered upon?

Frank

No. No, it has not.

Fiona

I warned you, Frank. [To Kevin] You knew about this and you didn't tell me?

Kevin

Fi, I don't have the time to call you every time Frank has a bad idea.

Frank

I'll talk to them.

Fiona

Oh, yeah? And say what? "Hey guys, sorry I forgot to light the car on fire."

Frank

I was not doing the igniting. I was just doing the "park in a remote location." Unfortunately, I had to make a pit stop, and when I got back, the car was gone.

Fiona

You're gonna take care of this. Now.

Frank

Could go to Jersey for a while. Stay with you. Great Uncle George.

Fiona

No. You're staying here, and you're gonna take care of this car, 'cause you're also gonna be here to take care of Carl. [Presents a notice letter from school] He needs you to show up for him at Parents Night to discuss behavioral problems. [Flashback to Carl assaulting other boys]

Frank

These sound like solutions, not problems.

Fiona

The school disagrees.

Frank

He's a boy. This is what boys do! When I was growing up, Joe Palazzo bit off a kid's finger.

Fiona

Oh, that's got to be bullshit.

Frank

Sister Irmalita picked up the nub and wrapped it in Kleenex. She always kept her snot rag stuffed in her sleeve.

Fiona

They're threatening to expel him. Well, go talk 'em out of it. They want a parent. A real parent.

Kevin

Oh, I guess you're off the hook then, Frank.

Frank

I have never been threatened by teachers, and I am not going to start now. I am fed up with these pangender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles! They want to remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters. Well, do your research! We're all descendents of barbarians, and the sooner we face it, the sooner we'll have a civilization worth celebrating. So, hell no, I won't go, 'cause no one scares Frank Gallagher!

Frank

Oh, shit. [He runs out back door]

Frank

You buy watches?

Buy, trade.

Frank

I need cash.

Twenty years with the ITC. Sure you wanna part with this, Eddie?

Frank

That's 24-karat gold. Best there is. Test it, you'll see. [Pawn appraiser walks to back of store]

Damn Palestinians, huh? It's like they come out of the womb wearing a suicide vest, am I right, ha, ha? You ask me, we should just give you guys the green light, take them all out. I believe in a two-state solution. Don't know why you yids get such a bad rap... for being greedy, controlling the media... circumcision making everyone get their dicks cut. Killing our Lord and Savior? Everyone knows that was Pontius Pilate, not you.

$35.

Frank

$250.

$35.

Frank

The hell? Ugh. You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off from the get-go. Now give me a number.

$35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Frank

[He leaves store and shouts generally] Mel Gibson was right!

Fiona

Bills. From our creditors. You've been buying stuff using our names?

Fiona

Do you know how much debt your kids are in?

Fiona

Plus interest.

Fiona

[Fiona walks over the the bar's TV] Is that a new flat-screen?

Smashed the first one when he was on crystal microdot.

Fiona

Never use their names again. [She leaves]

Frank

You're a liberal.

I don't think he's gonna wake up.

Mr. Gallagher? Mr. Gallagher?

Frank

What the bejesus?

Sorry. We tried smelling salts, caffeine injections, ice baths.

Frank

Where am I?

In the hospital.

You've been unconscious for two days with alcohol poisoning.

Frank

Ah, that's nothing. Back in '95, I was out for eight days.

Wait, wait. Hold on a second. I'm Dr. Seery. These are my residents. We have a proposition for you.

Frank

You're hot, but it's been awhile since I've been with a dude. Never mind two.

You've misunderstood. Uh, we'd like you to participate in our medical study.

Frank

Your what?

In my career, I've never seen such a spectacular display of alcoholism.

Frank

Thank you.

Would you abstain from alcohol for two weeks?

Frank

No.

We could offer you $3000.

Frank

Yes.