Dr. Christopher Turk quotes from Scrubs

J.D

Hey, you're black, right?

Turk

Here we go.

J.D

I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.

Turk

You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?

J.D

...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!

Turk

Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.

J.D.

You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.

Turk

Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?

J.D.

Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?

Turk

Mm-hmm?

J.D.

You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....

Turk

That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.

J.D.

Like a meadow in springtime.

Turk

Mmm.

Carla

What are you guys talking about?

Turk

Nothing; guy talk!

J.D.

Yeah, bitches and hoes.

J.D.

I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!

Turk

My man, I know that wasn't you.

J.D.

How?

Turk

I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.

J.D.

Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.

J.D.

I decided to take Jamie out on a date.

Carla

Who?

Turk

You know, Tasty Coma Wife?

Elliot

No way!

Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?

I'm free, and I love Italian.

J.D.

You be quiet!

Carla

I can't believe you, Bambi!

Turk

She's so right, man.

Elliot

What are you thinking?

Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...

J.D.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!

Laverne

Did I miss something good?

I'm the head of the Radiology Department. You called me at home to do an abdominal catscan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what? It's not happening.

J.D.

Dr. Moyer-

These are my machines!

Carla

Sir—

MY MACHINES!

Turk

Whose machines?

MY MACHINES!

J.D.

[to Turk] How was that helpful?

[Ranting] THEY'RE MINE- MINE- MINE- MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES!

Elliot

Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?

Carla

Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.

Turk

This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! [storms off, Elliot follows him]

Carla

[looking at the picture] It does look a little sad. They always do.

Turk

If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.

Carla

That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!

Turk

[to J.D.] Tell her.

J.D.

His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.

Turk

It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.

J.D.

Mmm... and I would love her too!

Carla

New low.

Carla

Christopher!

Turk

Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Carla

...Sometimes.

Turk

What's up with the white people on top?

Carla

Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.

I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.

Turk

Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.

Carla

Turk!

Turk

What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!

Forget it.

Turk

Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

Dr. Kelso

[Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!

Turk

Actually sir, it's just Turk.

Dr. Kelso

That's your first name.

Turk

You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Kelso

[Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?

Turk

Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?

Elliot

Mrs. Kahn, my second year.

Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.

Kelso

I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?

On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.

Todd

Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.

Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.

No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

Neena Broderick

Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in any way.

Dr. Kelso

[to Turk] You're a diabetic?

Turk

Yes. I told you that.

Dr. Kelso

I thought you were joking!

Turk

How is that funny?

Dr. Kelso

Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!

Elliot

(to a cafeteria worker) Do you have chocolate cake today?

Nope.

Elliot

Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!

Turk

Elliot, relax; I never get chocolate cake.

Elliot

Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

Turk

(to Carla) You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.

Carla

So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.

Dr. Kelso

What in the hell are you doing?

Turk

I get to have sex!

Dr. Kelso

I hate this place.