Dr. Christopher Turk quotes from Scrubs

So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional; his choice, not yours.

Turk

This guy's in a coma.

Not all of him.

Turk

Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]

J.D.

That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!

J.D.

Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?

Turk

Get me a small one-pump mocha.

J.D.

[voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!

Turk

Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!

J.D.

So what did you want me to get you?

Turk

A small one-pump mocha?

J.D.

Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!

Turk

Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!

J.D.

It was worth it!

Turk

[To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

J.D

Say that again.

Turk

Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

J.D

That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!

Carla

I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.

Turk

If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.

Carla

Oh Turk, a little help.

Carla

Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.

Turk

What'd you do?

J.D.

Was it naughty?

Elliot

[to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...

[looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.

Carla

[to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?

Elliot

So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...

Carla

[narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.

J.D

Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.

Turk

Is it?

J.D

Like Taye Diggs.

Turk

[to Carla] Taye. Diggs.

Turk

Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.

Julie

J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.

Julie's a great girl.

Turk

[momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.

[Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.

Turk

Yes, Lando. Yes.

And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.

Turk

Why would she listen to me?

I may have told her that you were Kanye West.

Turk

I'm actually alright with that.

Carla

I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.

Turk

I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy dings we're good to go.

Carla

Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.

Turk

OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.

Carla

Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?

Turk

[alarmed] Baby!

J.D.

[to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.

Carla

I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.

Turk

Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.

Carla

Thank you for the sacrifice.

Turk

It's because I love you.

Turk

I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!

Kim

That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.

Turk

Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim] Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?

J.D.

It may have already come up.

A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. [slouches away]

Elliot

Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...

[monotone] ...someone need to switch to decaf?

Turk

Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.

Elliot

You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...

[monotone again] ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?

Elliot

[shrieking] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!

J.D.

[holding his ears] Oh my God!

J.D.

[singing] You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!

Turk

[to Mrs. Miller] Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.