[Narration.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.
CDr. Cox
Jordan. What a coincidence. You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?
Mmm hmm. [Laughs.] Say, let’s play a game. I’ll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.
Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.
CDr. Cox
Don’t answer that, Newbie.
No worries. [Leans on a trolley, and falls over.]
CDr. Cox
Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. [Kicks J.D. as he steps over him.]
You know it's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. [Walks off.]
[Quietly.] Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.
[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]
You know, I don't care what you think.
I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.
CDr. Cox
So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
CDr. Cox
Would you get off my ex-wife?
CDr. Cox
[laughs] Dammit, gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.
CDr. Cox
Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch!
CDr. Cox
You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
CDr. Cox
—you have never looked so beautiful.
It's the giant boobs, isn't it.
CDr. Cox
Well, have you seen them lately?
I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!
CDr. Cox
[Narration.] Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no. Cheryl, Betsy... oooh, that’s new. [Aloud.] Betsy, good morning. Let’s make with the chop-chop.
You know, you already used Betsy, like six months ago.
CDr. Cox
[Aloud.] I don’t care. [Narration.] Dammit!
Perry! Hi. How are you, et cetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
CDr. Cox
Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Great stuff. See you about two-ish.
I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
CDr. Cox
Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
MMr. Moyer
I'm free, and I love Italian.
[cuts back to reality]
I can't believe you, Bambi!
CDr. Cox
Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
Did I miss something good?
CDr. Cox
[angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
I know, but I've been trying harder lately—
CDr. Cox
Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
PPaul
Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
CDr. Cox
Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
CDr. Cox
[referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
CDr. Cox
Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
CDr. Cox
Oh gosh, Shannon! Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word! Now, in a reciprocal gesture, could I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
CDr. Cox
No, it’s a cotillion joke. My god, newbie! It’s been two furiously frustrating years! How is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays! I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween! But our thing is that you’re a little girl! That’s who you are! But maybe that's not fair...
[narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole "It's your baby" thing.
CDr. Cox
You know, the funny thing is, I wasn't even mad at Jordan.
CDr. Cox
No. I was scared, because I'm quite confident that I'm going to be a terrible father.
You? You're going to be a very scary... I mean, great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses because we deserved it. Ad do you remember that time when you told me I wasn't the worst resident who ever lived?
CDr. Cox
You mean, like, eight seconds ago?
You have no idea what that meant to me.
CDr. Cox
I said I think you might not be the worst resident of all time. But I can't be sure of that. I mean, c'mon, I haven't done the appropriate legwork.
Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you. I think you've got this fathering thing down. [they look over at Kelso, who is berating Elliot until she is near tears] See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.
CDr. Cox
My God, you're right.
[Cox walks up to Kelso and knocks him out with one punch]
CDr. Cox
You're doing fine there, Barbie.
CDr. Cox
Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son. [steps over Kelso] 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
[narration] That may come up tomorrow.
Scrubs · 394 quotes
