Doctor Cox quotes from Scrubs

Elliot

[Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?

No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.

Elliot

Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.

Ooh, Backbone Barbie!

[To Dr. Steadman] You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.

[To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.

Dan

[Objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient] Dude, these are living breathing people we're talking about here-

I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?

Dan

I tend bar.

Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do things around here, but if I ever do need advice on how to make a top notch rum and Coke, well then by gum mister you had better be by the phone cause I just might give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."

Dan

Hey, Dr. Cox.

Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

Dan

You don't like me. People don't like me! You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been. Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school, just 'cause.

Boy, that's a great story. Really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...

Dan

Well...

But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.

Dan

Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.

J.D.

[narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

Dan

[holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

[takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

Jordan

I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.

Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni

What are you doing here?

I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...

Jordan

Guilt.

No, not that.

J.D.

Guilt?

Yes, that.

I... I don't like her to be right.

Elliot

But Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso said-

Ughssssh- I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth unless, of course, it's "I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler; hello, Mussolini. Captain Kanagaroo! That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie? I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of... dolphin sex.

Elliot

Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.

I hear that's a shame. Because the dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on.

J.D.

You heard him, people- we're moving on.

[Groans] Oh, God, help me.

J.D.

God help him.

Do you...do you think that my son will like me?

Carla

Oh, God no.

Jordan

[kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.

[laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

Carla

Come on, Turk! I've got two minutes left in my break; how long is this surgery gonna take?

Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make an incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that's he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's... a grind.

J.D.

She’s not moving in permanently, she’s just crashing for a while.

Laverne

Mmm hmmm.

About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment centre and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice, I don’t even know anymore.

As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.

[taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?

J.D.

[whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.

Yes, nervous guy?

What's "up Doc"?

Shower Shorts?

J.D

For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

[talking to Ben] Hey, where's your camera? Aren't you... Aren't you gonna take some pictures?

J.D.

Pictures of what?

Y'know, crying babies covered in chocolate. People singing "Happy birthday" to my son who've never even met him before? Y'know, the-- The whole routine!

J.D.

Where do you think we are?

Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.

J.D.

I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.

I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.