Doctor Cox quotes from Scrubs

She was never boring.

J.D.

What happened?

Oh, you know... you marry someone who reminds you of your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother. You talked to her, didn't you?

J.D.

I don't think you realize how important you are to a lot of people around here.

J.D.

[narration] I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.

Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?

J.D.

[narration] It felt good.

J.D.

[narration] It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.

[To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he gets up and leaves] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Y'all get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.

Dr. Kelso

Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?

You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

J.D.

[voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!

I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

Elliot

Dr Cox! I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night, do whatever you want with me. [Cox makes a face.] Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I just, I meant that I want you to use me and I don’t care how degrading it is.

What?

Elliot

No, no. No. It’s just that, I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. [Cox looks at her.] I just wanna make you happy.

Laverne

Marshmallow, hush.

Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....

[continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.

[affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]

Elliot

My mom says they frame my face.

J.D.

They don't.

J.D.

[narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.

Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.

Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

Turk

Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.

Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?

No.

Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.

J.D.

That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.

Then take him.

J.D.

What do you mean?

Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.

J.D.

I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.

Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!

J.D.

The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.

Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.

J.D.

[To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.

Oh, it's just coffee.

Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.

Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?

[as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!

The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.

Turk

You should give speeches to teenage girls.

J.D.

What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?

What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]

J.D.

Oh my God, that's disgusting.

I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.

Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!

Goodnight! Now, let’s get you to a hand surgeon.

What about tough guy?

[Flicks his glove at JD.] Somebody’ll get her.

[Waves with his nailed hand.] Bye bye.

J.D.

Please don’t. [Faints again.]

J.D.

I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.

I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.

Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.

J.D.

...Are you dying?

I've got a new shrink.

J.D.

Okay, fine, I’m sorry I slept with your ex-wife! It was an accident.

Look, first of all, it’s not like you tripped and fell into her. And then out of her and then into her again. And second of all, you’re smart enough to know that I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to know where you did it. I don’t even want to know how it was.

J.D.

A little scary. Sorry, jitters.