J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

[Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.

J.D.

[Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.

J.D.

[Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there is something so accessible about her, I wonder what it is?

Julie

Oh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.

J.D.

Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.

Elliot

Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said "Bone City."

J.D.

[acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?

Carla

[narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.

J.D

Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.

Turk

Is it?

J.D

Like Taye Diggs.

Turk

[to Carla] Taye. Diggs.

Elliot

J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?

J.D.

Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!

J.D.

Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!

Elliot

[screeching] I'd been stung by a jellyfish!

Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?

J.D.

Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.

It's an honor to watch you work, sir.

J.D.

[absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...

How come I don't get a nickname?

J.D.

Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.

My last name is Dudemeister.

J.D.

And what am I supposed to do with that, OK? I'm not a magician.

Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.

J.D.

[voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!

What?

J.D.

[voiceover] Easy, now is not the time to bring up the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

J.D.

I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.

[grunts an affirmative]

J.D.

Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.

She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]

[smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]

J.D.

I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]

No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]

J.D.

There is, even if she won't admit it.

Carla

I'm not sure that suit works on you.

J.D.

Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.

Lonnie

We don't love it.

J.D.

Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.

For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!

J.D.

He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.

Carla

I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?

The Todd

I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!

The Todd

People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.

J.D.

I think I may vomit.

I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?

J.D.

It's not not sad.

J.D.

You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you... how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. [pours himself a drink]

J.D.

[narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:

[sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.

J.D.

[spits it back into the glass] Ugh... That's awful.

Carla

Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?

Turk

[alarmed] Baby!

J.D.

[to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.

Kim

Hey, dudes.

J.D.

Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?

Kim

Non-threatening colloquial greetings?