J.D. quotes from Scrubs

No abortions!

J.D.

What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?

Oh, in that case it would be OK.

J.D.

Really?

NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!

Turk

I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!

Kim

That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.

Turk

Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim] Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?

J.D.

It may have already come up.

A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. [slouches away]

Elliot

Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...

[monotone] ...someone need to switch to decaf?

Turk

Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.

Elliot

You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...

[monotone again] ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?

Elliot

[shrieking] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!

J.D.

[holding his ears] Oh my God!

J.D.

[voiceover] The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing, is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.

Need help, old friend?

J.D.

Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing, give her a pep talk, stat!

J.D.

[singing] You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!

Turk

[to Mrs. Miller] Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

J.D.

In life, it seems we all have a role to play. Some of us are meant to be loved... and some of us, unfortunately, are meant to be hated.

Dr. Kelso

Goodnight, minions. Slagathor.

J.D.

But Dr. Kelso wouldn't have it any other way.

Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!

Turk

Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?

Jack

Man check!

Jordan

Good boy, Jack, good boy!

Turk

He can't possibly make this my fault, right?

J.D.

Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.

Dr. Kelso

My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?

J.D.

Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.

Dr. Kelso

Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?

Ted

Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

[about his physical therapist] Why don't you just ask her out?

J.D.

Expertly flirting is one thing, but I just got out of a serious relationship. Plus, I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.

I have a fiberglass skull.

J.D.

It's always gotta be a competition with you, doesn't it?

J.D.

Wow, it has been an amazing six years. I wouldn't change any of it, would you guys?

I'd damn sure change this moment, and any other moment that was even remotely like this moment. [leaves]

J.D.

Hey, Turk...

Turk

I'm not giving you a hug.

J.D.

[narration] I hate this place.

I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.

J.D.

"Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome."

Turk

Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."

Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?

J.D.

Is he the Black golfer?

Elliot

Oh, and FYI, I happen to like the voiceovers on Grey's Anatomy. Except for when they are really vague and generic.

J.D.

[voiceover] And so in the end I knew what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about them.

I am not telling anyone that my daughter has been born.

J.D.

But you just told Jordan that you're gonna...

Yes, and that's what we call a lie, or, when you're married, communication.

Turk

How do you know sign language?

Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.

The Todd

Join the club, playa.

Get away.

The Todd

[shrugs] Okay. [leaves]

So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.

J.D.

Is any of that true?

Someone would have to read it back to me.