J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.

Elliot

Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.

J.D.

They let you stay?

Elliot

Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Molly

You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.

Elliot

They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.

J.D.

[narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!

J.D.

Why can't Carla just let this go?

Elliot

Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?

J.D.

Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.

Turk

Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]

J.D.

That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!

[to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?

J.D.

She's a dude.

Yeah, huh.

J.D.

Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

J.D.

Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.

Dr. Kelso

[passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.

J.D.

I hate that thing!

J.D.

[narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]

Elliot

Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!

J.D.

[narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]

Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.

J.D.

[narration] Touché, magic hallway!

J.D.

Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?

Turk

Get me a small one-pump mocha.

J.D.

[voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!

Turk

Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!

J.D.

So what did you want me to get you?

Turk

A small one-pump mocha?

J.D.

Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!

Turk

Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!

J.D.

It was worth it!

Turk

[To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

J.D

Say that again.

Turk

Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.

J.D

That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!

Carla

J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.

J.D.

They're called boxers, Carla.

Carla

They're satin, J.D.

J.D.

With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!

J.D.

Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.

Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.

J.D.

Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?

I'm okay with it.

J.D.

How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?

Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?

J.D.

Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.

Elliot

Ronald's gonna be mad.

J.D.

Yeah? He's six. What's he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.

Carla

I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.

J.D.

So, don't have kids.

Carla

But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.

Carla

Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.

Turk

What'd you do?

J.D.

Was it naughty?

Elliot

[to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...

[looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.

Carla

[to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?

Elliot

So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...