J.D. quotes from Scrubs

Jordan

Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...

J.D.

[thinking] Oh, please God, no.

Jordan

I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!

J.D.

[narration] Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream. [J.D. wakes up, and jumps when he sees Turk next to him.]

Turk

[In a seductive voice.] Good morning, Tiger.

J.D.

[narration] Of course, I’ve been wrong before. [aloud] How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?

Turk

Baby, why you gotta be so cranky in the morning?

J.D.

This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.

Turk

Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.

J.D.

Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [hits fists together] lock in.

Turk

Dude, could you be more homophobic?

J.D.

I'm not.

J.D.

Ready to go?

J.D.

Okay, fine, I’m sorry I slept with your ex-wife! It was an accident.

Look, first of all, it’s not like you tripped and fell into her. And then out of her and then into her again. And second of all, you’re smart enough to know that I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to know where you did it. I don’t even want to know how it was.

J.D.

A little scary. Sorry, jitters.

Jordan

Hello, Perry.

J.D.

[Narration.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.

Jordan. What a coincidence. You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?

Jordan

Yes.

Right?

Jordan

Yeah.

Right?

Jordan

Mmm hmm. [Laughs.] Say, let’s play a game. I’ll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.

J.D.

Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.

Jordan

OK, clumsy.

Don’t answer that, Newbie.

J.D.

No worries. [Leans on a trolley, and falls over.]

Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. [Kicks J.D. as he steps over him.]

J.D.

Ow.

Jordan

Good job, D.J.

J.D.

You know it's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!

Jordan

Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. [Walks off.]

J.D.

[Quietly.] Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

J.D.

Hey, so what attendings are stuck here on call tonight?

Turk

Everyone’s at that Kelso thing.

Elliot

I think Dr Cox is on.

Carla

No, he went home, but he said that Carol could cover for him.

Turk

Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?

J.D.

Well, I’m Carol, so yes.

Elliot

It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

J.D.

Come on, you guys are missing the point. No one is here tonight but us. We are running this hospital.

Turk

This is our house!

Elliot

We’re in charge!

J.D.

I love my butt!

J.D.

You know, I don't care what you think.

Yeah, you do.

J.D.

I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.

J.D.

What's up?

I always get this way in the fall, you know? Summer’s gone, the days are shorter. It just makes me feel so... what’s the word?

J.D.

Sad?

Yes, that’s it. I’m a janitor, so I couldn’t think of the word ‘sad.’ I was gonna say ‘it makes me feel so mop.’

J.D.

Let me explain. I...

Go ahead. I’m mopping.

J.D.

Maybe I shouldn’t bother.

Maybe you mopn’t.

J.D.

A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.

Ted

Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.

J.D.

No, I just gave him IV imipenem.

Ted

Kelso’s gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.

J.D.

Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should just calm down—

Ted

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!

J.D.

My bad.

Dan

So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.

J.D.

Elliot!

Elliot

What? I was thirsty.

J.D.

Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!

Elliot

[aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.

Yep, they got him, and he's gonna pay.

J.D.

They're actually arresting someone for stealing pudding and toilet paper?

No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. [suspiciously] Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?

J.D.

[nervously] W-what? No! I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.

Bidet?

J.D.

Bidet to you, sir.

J.D.

Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.

Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.

Dr. Kelso

Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.

J.D.

He died?

Dr. Kelso

I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch!

You know, Jordan, I have to tell you: despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.

Jordan

Really?

Honestly you—

Jordan

Mm-hmm.

—you have never looked so beautiful.

Jordan

It's the giant boobs, isn't it.

Well, have you seen them lately?

J.D.

I've seen bigger. [To Nurse Roberts] Not on you. Although, kudos!

Mm-hmm!

J.D.

[voiceover] And then she said something every man is dying to hear...

Elliot

We can be sex buddies...

J.D.

[hears fanfare] I mean... if you want.

J.D

Hey, you're black, right?

Turk

Here we go.

J.D

I hate that stereotype that black people all yell at movie screens, y'know? Like you go to see a horror flick and you'd be yelling like, "Don't go in there, girl! He behind the do'!" Y'know? It's like... it's offensive.

Turk

You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't ya?

J.D

...Why does she go in there?! I mean, he's behind the do'!

Turk

Tonight, I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.

J.D.

You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.

Turk

Okay, Mr. Know-It-All, what would you do?

J.D.

Okay, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right?

Turk

Mm-hmm?

J.D.

You spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals....

Turk

That's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing.

J.D.

Like a meadow in springtime.

Turk

Mmm.

Carla

What are you guys talking about?

Turk

Nothing; guy talk!

J.D.

Yeah, bitches and hoes.