J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

I still can't believe I power-walked butt-naked through the halls of the hospital last night!

Turk

My man, I know that wasn't you.

J.D.

How?

Turk

I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff'n'stuff out of a lineup.

J.D.

Oh, it changed since you saw it. It got a haircut.

J.D.

You know, sir, Dr. Townshend here was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I’d love to hear one sometime.

Dr. Kelso

Well, what the hell? Back in 68... I don’t like you. The end. [Walks off.]

He tells that one a lot.

J.D.

I know.

J.D.

Morning, Dr Cox.

[Narration.] Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany, no. Cheryl, Betsy... oooh, that’s new. [Aloud.] Betsy, good morning. Let’s make with the chop-chop.

J.D.

You know, you already used Betsy, like six months ago.

[Aloud.] I don’t care. [Narration.] Dammit!

J.D.

I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.

J.D.

Who's that?

That's my son.

Elliot

Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]

J.D.

I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...

No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.

J.D.

...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]

[to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.

J.D.

I decided to take Jamie out on a date.

Carla

Who?

Turk

You know, Tasty Coma Wife?

Elliot

No way!

Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?

I'm free, and I love Italian.

J.D.

You be quiet!

Carla

I can't believe you, Bambi!

Turk

She's so right, man.

Elliot

What are you thinking?

Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...

J.D.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!

Laverne

Did I miss something good?

J.D.

Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.

When did you see my penis?

J.D.

Last night when you were showering.

Where were you?

J.D.

Oh, I was outside in the bushes.

[dumbfounded]

J.D.

Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.

What? Why?

J.D.

Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

J.D.

[Inspecting the Janitor's penis after seeing a possible melanoma] Well, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign.

Yeah, benign, nine and a half...

Oh gosh, Shannon! Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word! Now, in a reciprocal gesture, could I be included in the planning of your coming out party?

J.D.

Is that a gay joke?

No, it’s a cotillion joke. My god, newbie! It’s been two furiously frustrating years! How is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays! I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween! But our thing is that you’re a little girl! That’s who you are! But maybe that's not fair...

J.D.

[narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...

Carla

My mom died.

J.D.

[narration] Except that.

J.D.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole "It's your baby" thing.

You know, the funny thing is, I wasn't even mad at Jordan.

J.D.

No?

No. I was scared, because I'm quite confident that I'm going to be a terrible father.

J.D.

You? You're going to be a very scary... I mean, great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses because we deserved it. Ad do you remember that time when you told me I wasn't the worst resident who ever lived?

You mean, like, eight seconds ago?

J.D.

You have no idea what that meant to me.

I said I think you might not be the worst resident of all time. But I can't be sure of that. I mean, c'mon, I haven't done the appropriate legwork.

J.D.

Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you. I think you've got this fathering thing down. [they look over at Kelso, who is berating Elliot until she is near tears] See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.

My God, you're right.

You're doing fine there, Barbie.

Elliot

[stunned] ...Thank you?

Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son. [steps over Kelso] 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.

J.D.

[narration] That may come up tomorrow.

I'm the head of the Radiology Department. You called me at home to do an abdominal catscan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what? It's not happening.

J.D.

Dr. Moyer-

These are my machines!

Carla

Sir—

MY MACHINES!

Turk

Whose machines?

MY MACHINES!

J.D.

[to Turk] How was that helpful?

[Ranting] THEY'RE MINE- MINE- MINE- MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES! MY MACHINES!

Elliot

Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.

J.D.

[drifts off]

Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?

My name is Maureen McCormick.

J.D.

Marcia, please! Father, continue.

J.D.

Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.

Carla

Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're—[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!

J.D.

Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.

Dan

No, you don't.

J.D.

I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

Dan

Hey, Dr. Cox.

Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

Dan

You don't like me. People don't like me! You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been. Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school, just 'cause.

Boy, that's a great story. Really. And I'm sure you're just a horrible big brother...

Dan

Well...

But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.

Dan

Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I'm a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I'm askin' - I'm tellin' you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.

J.D.

[narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

Dan

[holds out his hand to Cox] It's good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

[takes Dan's hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

Danni

Unrequited love sucks, you know?

J.D.

You know what we need to do, uhhh...?

Danni

Danni.

J.D.

J.D.

Danni

Hi.

J.D.

Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.

Danni

Did that work?

J.D.

I stole the wrong purse. [Voiceover] And yes.