J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

[as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?

Turk

[as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.

J.D.

[as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

J.D.

[narration] It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.

[To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he gets up and leaves] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Y'all get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.

Turk

So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.

J.D.

Dude.

Turk

Oh, my bad. Not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like. You know what I mean?

Your new nickname is Scooter.

J.D.

Why?

It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.

J.D.

Oh, now I see. [voiceover] Ya big jerk.

J.D.

[voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!

I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

J.D.

[holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?

I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.

J.D.

I was just trying to—

Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]

J.D.

But I've only worked here for three months.

Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?

J.D.

More chunky than fat.

Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....

[continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.

[affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]

Elliot

My mom says they frame my face.

J.D.

They don't.

Girl problems?

J.D.

How'd you know?

You look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.

J.D.

[narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.

Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.

Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

Carla

Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?

J.D.

Which one?

Carla

Frank.

J.D.

Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!

J.D.

That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.

Then take him.

J.D.

What do you mean?

Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.

J.D.

I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.

Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!

J.D.

The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.

Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.

J.D.

[To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.

J.D.

What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?

What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]

J.D.

Oh my God, that's disgusting.

I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.

Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!

Goodnight! Now, let’s get you to a hand surgeon.

What about tough guy?

[Flicks his glove at JD.] Somebody’ll get her.

[Waves with his nailed hand.] Bye bye.

J.D.

Please don’t. [Faints again.]

J.D.

I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.

I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.

Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.

J.D.

...Are you dying?

I've got a new shrink.