Scenes with Zelda Spellman 63
Please ? I have to go to Harvey’s party!
Zelda No!
What if I promise to be with the family all Thanksgiving?
We’re not big on Thanksgiving - That holiday was started by Puritans who weren’t exactly witch-friendly.
[snide] So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like superheroes?
Zelda That is not what All Hallows Eve is all about! It’s a time for remembering the dead!
[sarcastic] Oh, that sounds like fun! I just know I’ll have a terrible time!
And that’s what family gatherings are all about; D’you think I want to listen to Cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No!
Zelda But we go, because it’s tradition .
And now you’re making me ?!
M Marigold
[showing Hilda and Zelda photographs] ...And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know, if either one of you ever has a honeymoon, you really must take it in the south of France. [beat] On second thoughts, don’t wait; I wouldn’t want you to miss out!
Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.
Zelda That’s right! Hilda is single completely by choice, because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.
M Marigold
And Zelda? What’s your excuse?
Zelda doesn’t need an excuse. She’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.
[Amanda runs up to the table]
Mommy, look what I did! [slams a glass jar down on the table]
Zelda [shocked] Is that Sabrina?!
She wouldn’t colour with me.
M Marigold
[delighted] Oh, that is so cute!
[to her aunts] Can we please go home now? I’m really not having any fun! [to Amanda] I’ll colour with you Amanda, please, let me out!
[to Zelda, watching Amanda opening her present] There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.
A solid gold dolly! Thank you, Mommy!
M Marigold
It’s from Mommy and Daddy!
We got Sabrina something too.
Zelda: [to Sabrina] Here you go. [hands her a small envelope] It’s from both of us.
[warmly] Happy Halloween.
M Marigold
[patronising] Oh, a nice card. Kids love those...
[Sabrina opens the envelope and takes out the card]
[reading card] It’s a gift certificate... "To spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice". What’s this?
M Marigold
[surprised] You got her a Reanimation? Those are very pricey.
[upset] I want a Reanimation! I want a Reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION! [Marigold drags her away]
This is the weirdest gift... What do I do with it?
It’s yours to spend as you like.
Zelda But you must use it tonight - the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve
You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out!
Zelda What?
Come close. [whispers to them]
Zelda [gasps] I don’t believe it! Marigold is splitting up with Harold?
[delighted] Oh, this is the best Halloween, ever !
Zelda We’ll be downstairs if you need us.
That’s right: We’re here. We care. [smiles] And we have pie!
[Hilda and Zelda are adding ingredients to make the Personality Glaze for Sabrina's Man-Dough date]
Let's make him a great dancer.
Zelda And a daredevil.
Zelda [frowns] Do girls still like musicians?
Ever since Mozart’s "Feel the Heat" tour. [Zelda hums in a "good point", manner] Oh, I overdid the enthusiasm.
Zelda He’s going to a high school dance - he’s going to need all the enthusiasm he can get.
[after letting Sabrina stay at the Pleasuredome with Vesta]
Are you insane ?! You left without a fight! What were you thinking ?!
Zelda That I want Sabrina to come home.
Me too! Now, let’s go back and get her - I’ll hold Vesta!
Zelda No, that won't work! If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay, then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.
Can we say it and just not use the word "can’t"?
Zelda Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.
[catches on] Ooh Zelda, sneaky! You had a scheme!
Zelda Well, Vesta is my sister. [leaves the room]
[to herself] I want a scheme!
Zelda That was my old collage buddy.
Zelda No, Ethan Bodiker. He’s coming over tomorrow night for dinner.
Oh, Zelda, you have a date!
Zelda It’s not a date , it’s dinner with a colleague. And you’re welcome to join us.
I’d rather die, but thanks.
Zelda Thank goodness she left. Now we can talk about the first millisecond after the Big Bang. See, I think-
Zelda [shocked] What?!
E Ethan
I’m sorry. It’s just that, we finally get rid of your weird sister, and all you can talk about is the Big Bang?! I came here tonight hoping for more than science - I wanted you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods and cones! I love you, Zelda. Don’t you realise that?
Zelda You never said anything!
E Ethan
I’ve been playing footsie with you all night!
Zelda That was you ?! I thought it was the cat!
Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.
Zelda You went to Science Club? Oh, that’s wonderful!
No, it’s not! Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek!
I knew this would happen; it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.
Zelda Oh, be quiet! [conjures a helmet (with a visor) on Hilda's head]
Zelda [to Sabrina] Now, it shouldn’t bother you what Libby says-
It shouldn’t , but it does . I wanna use my magic to teach Libby a lesson.
Zelda That sounds very constructive.
I’m going to give her a snout!
[raises her visor] Oh, good idea!
[Zelda flicks her finger at Hilda and the visor snaps shut]
Zelda You need to talk to my friend Cicero, he’s an expert on these matters. Come on, we’ll look him up in the book. [leads Sabrina up the stairs] Are you coming, Hilda?
Yes! [tries to stand, but fails] No... I can’t. My outfits too heavy... but it’s very useful!
[Zelda manages to look up Cicero in the Magic Book]
Zelda Hello Cicero.
C Cicero
[to himself] There’s a girl looking at me... Don’t... panic ...
Zelda [to Sabrina] Ask him what he’d do, he’s very knowledgeable.
Hey Cicero, I’m Sabrina and I have a question.
C Cicero
Ask away, but make it quick; If the centurions catch me here, it’s a guaranteed swirly in the aqueduct.
...Okay... See, there’s this girl in my school, and she keeps calling me a geek, and I really don’t like it.
C Cicero
I suggest that you ignore her. Okay, bye-bye. [starts edging towards the edge of the page]
No, wait! I can’t ignore her, no one can ignore her! You’ve gotta help!
C Cicero
Well... There are two ways to teach her a lesson. The first is to just give her a snout...
Zelda [exasperated] What’s the second ?
C Cicero
Give her a taste of her own medicine: turn her into a geek . She’ll see how it feels and she’ll learn that it’s what’s inside that really counts.
C Cicero
A simple spell; just, [pushes his finger up the bridge of his nose, then points] point.
Like this? [repeats his action]
C Cicero
[embarrassed] Well, actually, you just have to point; My glasses were slipping.
I just thought you should know the kid next door is chucking water balloons at our house.
Zelda Mm, I know. Hilda already went out there, she said she was going to do something about it.
He’s such a little creep, he’s going to break my window.
[from outside] YARR! prepare to be boarded, Timmy!
[there's a loud boom and a flash from outside and the sound of breaking glass]
[Hilda enters the room with a soot blackened face and wearing a tricorne hat, holding up a ram rod triumphantly]
Yes! I used my cannon - it stays!
Zelda What's all the noise?
No! My trophy won't shut up.
Well just tell it to... Huh?
It keeps calling me names. I don't know what's happening.
Zelda I take it you decided to compete in Kung Fu?
T Trophy
Yeah and she won. Cheater!
Zelda That explains it. The trophy is speaking your guilty conscience.
You told me to decide for myself, and I did!
T Trophy
And you decided wrong.
How do I get it to stop yapping?
Well, you could put a teeny weeny sock in his mouth, or you could clear your conscience.
Salem, were you in my closet again?
You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater!
Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.
You were reading my diary again?
Yes, and it’s duller than dish water ...
I’ve told you a thousands times...
...When I was a teenager we-
...Stay out of my stuff-!
Zelda Stop it, you two! It’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want any more arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology. [Salem says nothing] Now !
I’m thinking of how to word it.
Somehow, that just doesn’t feel right...
Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery, but now I’ve gotta change, thanks to you !
Since you thanked me, can I ask a favor?
Excuse me, cat? You want a favor ?
Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever, and I'd really like to-
Are you insane ?! I wouldn’t bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth! [Storms off]
[nonchalant] Man, what’s her problem?
You are so self centred, even for a cat.
[Thinking of a way to get Salem home]
Can we focus? Okay, we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something .
I’ve got it: We all hide inside a giant wooden horse!
Zelda [sarcastic] Hmm, that worked so well the last time .
What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?
Zelda Too risky; if the little boy sees you, you're caught. How will you explain it?
I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of there as fast as I could.
Oh, good plan! [Zelda nudges her ribs. Hard] Bad plan.
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Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · 191 quotes
Zelda
