Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · Season 1
“Terrible Things” · Season 1
In this episode: Sabrina Spellman (3), Hilda Spellman (1), Zelda Spellman (1), Salem Saberhagen the cat (1), Jenny Kelley (1), Mr. Eugene Pool (1)
Salem, you're back. How was jail?
Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.
See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Are you kidding? I’m not calling.
[Jenny is meeting with Principal Larue]
Please, sit down.
The reason I called this meeting was to present my five-point program. My contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Proceed.
Well, the first point focuses on class sizes--
You have no authority there.
I don't?
No. Next point?
Well, I'm also concerned about arts funding.
You have no authority there.
Textbooks?
No.
Curriculum?
No.
Parking?
Huh! I don't even have authority there. These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this room. They are decided by powerful men, in smoke-filled boardrooms hundreds of miles from here. It is not your place to question their choices. They know you, Jennifer. Better than you know yourself. Let's leave the business of school to the people whose business is school. Student class elections have always been a popularity contest. Let's keep it that way.
Hello, Drell. What a pleasant surprise.
No, it's not. I summoned you and you're here. Hilda... What's with your hair?
My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?
Um...
Well, I hope you and "Um..." are very happy. Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?
I don’t know.
Stop me if something sounds familiar: Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
[meekly] Oh. That.
[alarmed] Sabrina?!
You didn’t?!
I was just trying to help people!
"Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?
Well, first of all, the people I helped were happy.. but now, only one is, and he’s happy enough for all three of them, though. So-
Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.
Drell, please. Sabrina's a good kid.
And things are hard on her. Her mother's in Peru. Her father's in a book.
And I'm in the land of "I Don't Care!" You're her guardians. You should have warned her that if you meddle with people's lives, terrible things could happen.
Well, I did. That's exactly what I said.
So did I.
So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.
Oh, geez. [over the intercom] Marge, get the guys down in Ominous Warnings to tweak up the reverb on the word "terrible." Terrible. Terrible. TERRIBLE!!!! Ooh, that's nice, that's nice. [over the intercom] Thank you, Marge. Now, that was Marge's mistake. [makes a hand gesture causing a flash of lightning and woman screaming outside his office] And now back to yours. Now, the football injury and class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on MY T-BILLS! Now, are you going to fix this [holds up a small cat collar] or should I gave Salem a little blonde KITTY FRIEND?!
No, I can fix it. I mean I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.
You got a day. That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post! [laughs] You're done! Go! Get outta here! [Sabrina and Zelda leave] Um, except you, Hilda. Why don't you, uh... stay a moment?
[After Mr. Pool has lost his knowledge of how to make gold]
Mr. Pool, do you have a minute?
[depressed] Yes, a lifetime of them. And they are suddenly going by very slowly.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Sabrina, the Teenage Witch pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
