Hilda Spellman quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina

Well, I’m off to my job!

Zelda

You’re all dressed up.

Sabrina

Yeah, well, I want to make a good impression on the baby. [beat] And Harvey’s gonna be there.

Zelda

[knowingly] Oh...

Sabrina

Don’t "Oh" - We have a study date!

Hilda

[sceptical] Uh-huh...

Sabrina

Don’t "Uh-huh" - We have a test!

Salem

Mm-hm.

Sabrina

Don’t you start! Look, it’s no big deal, I mean Harvey could have asked anyone to study with him. [pauses, smiles] Of course, he did ask me...

Hilda

I need to go to the nurse.

Mr. Pool

Er, is there a problem... [looks at Hilda's nametag] ...Mrs. Spellman?

Hilda

Yes, it’s my tummy-

Zelda

No, she’s fine - and it’s "Miss Spellman".

Mr. Pool

Who are you?

Zelda

Oh, I’m also "Miss Spellman". We’re Sabrina’s aunts - Sisters, not an alternative couple.

Mr. Pool

So you’re, uh, single?

Zelda

[flattered] Yes, and you?

Mr. Pool

[grins slightly] Extremely.

Hilda

[to herself] Now I really am gonna throw up...

Sabrina

This magic ruins everything! He’s supposed to be in his crib sucking his thumb, and I’m supposed to be studying with Harvey!

Zelda

Oh...

Hilda

Uh-huh...

Sabrina

Stop that, this is serious!

Zelda

Oh, calm down Sabrina... Just try to figure out exactly what you did.

Sabrina

I don’t know, I don’t remember! Rudy was crying, I picked him up, I said "big boys don’t cry" and I rubbed his back!

Zelda

Did you say anything else?

Sabrina

I don’t think so...

Be a big boy!

Sabrina

...He’s right, I said ‘be a big boy’!

Zelda

And I bet you said it three times!

Hilda

Oh, mystery solved; You cast a passion spell!

Sabrina

Passion spell? What’s that?

Hilda

If you want something enough, and you say it three times, it might just happen.

Zelda

We like to call it a Travis.

Sabrina

Why?

Zelda

Randy Travis, Randy Travis, Randy Travis.

Hilda

I love this spell.

What a...What am I doin’ here?

Zelda

Oh, we were just illustrating a point for our niece. I hope we haven’t caught you at a bad time...

No, it’s fine. My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to, though... Will there be anything else?

Hilda

Maybe later.

If you need me, you’ll know where to find me. You always do. [leaves the classroom]

Hilda

Now, he is so cute!

Zelda

Oh, I love his new album...!

Sabrina

Can we get back to me, here?

Zelda

Hello, Drell. What a pleasant surprise.

No, it's not. I summoned you and you're here. Hilda... What's with your hair?

Hilda

My new boyfriend likes it this way.

Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?

Hilda

Um...

Well, I hope you and "Um..." are very happy. Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?

Sabrina

I don’t know.

Stop me if something sounds familiar: Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.

Sabrina

[meekly] Oh. That.

Zelda

[alarmed] Sabrina?!

Hilda

You didn’t?!

Sabrina

I was just trying to help people!

"Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?

Sabrina

Well, first of all, the people I helped were happy.. but now, only one is, and he’s happy enough for all three of them, though. So-

Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.

Zelda

Drell, please. Sabrina's a good kid.

Hilda

And things are hard on her. Her mother's in Peru. Her father's in a book.

And I'm in the land of "I Don't Care!" You're her guardians. You should have warned her that if you meddle with people's lives, terrible things could happen.

Zelda

Well, I did. That's exactly what I said.

Hilda

So did I.

Sabrina

So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.

Oh, geez. [over the intercom] Marge, get the guys down in Ominous Warnings to tweak up the reverb on the word "terrible." Terrible. Terrible. TERRIBLE!!!! Ooh, that's nice, that's nice. [over the intercom] Thank you, Marge. Now, that was Marge's mistake. [makes a hand gesture causing a flash of lightning and woman screaming outside his office] And now back to yours. Now, the football injury and class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on MY T-BILLS! Now, are you going to fix this [holds up a small cat collar] or should I gave Salem a little blonde KITTY FRIEND?!

Sabrina

No, I can fix it. I mean I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.

You got a day. That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post! [laughs] You're done! Go! Get outta here! [Sabrina and Zelda leave] Um, except you, Hilda. Why don't you, uh... stay a moment?

Sabrina

Please? I have to go to Harvey’s party!

Zelda

No!

Sabrina

What if I promise to be with the family all Thanksgiving?

Hilda

We’re not big on Thanksgiving - That holiday was started by Puritans who weren’t exactly witch-friendly.

Sabrina

[snide] So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like superheroes?

Zelda

That is not what All Hallows Eve is all about! It’s a time for remembering the dead!

Sabrina

[sarcastic] Oh, that sounds like fun! I just know I’ll have a terrible time!

Hilda

And that’s what family gatherings are all about; D’you think I want to listen to Cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No!

Zelda

But we go, because it’s tradition.

Hilda

And Zelda makes me.

Sabrina

And now you’re making me?!

Hilda

See? Tradition!

[showing Hilda and Zelda photographs] ...And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know, if either one of you ever has a honeymoon, you really must take it in the south of France. [beat] On second thoughts, don’t wait; I wouldn’t want you to miss out!

Hilda

Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.

Zelda

That’s right! Hilda is single completely by choice, because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.

And Zelda? What’s your excuse?

Hilda

Zelda doesn’t need an excuse. She’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.

Mommy, look what I did! [slams a glass jar down on the table]

Zelda

[shocked] Is that Sabrina?!

Hilda

What did you do to her?!

She wouldn’t colour with me.

[delighted] Oh, that is so cute!

Sabrina

[to her aunts] Can we please go home now? I’m really not having any fun! [to Amanda] I’ll colour with you Amanda, please, let me out!

Hilda

[to Zelda, watching Amanda opening her present] There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.

A solid gold dolly! Thank you, Mommy!

It’s from Mommy and Daddy!

Hilda

We got Sabrina something too.

Hilda

[warmly] Happy Halloween.

[patronising] Oh, a nice card. Kids love those...

Sabrina

[reading card] It’s a gift certificate... "To spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice". What’s this?

[surprised] You got her a Reanimation? Those are very pricey.

[upset] I want a Reanimation! I want a Reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION! [Marigold drags her away]

Sabrina

This is the weirdest gift... What do I do with it?

Hilda

It’s yours to spend as you like.

Zelda

But you must use it tonight - the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve

Salem

You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out!

Zelda

What?

Salem

Come close. [whispers to them]

Zelda

[gasps] I don’t believe it! Marigold is splitting up with Harold?

Hilda

[delighted] Oh, this is the best Halloween, ever!

Zelda

We’ll be downstairs if you need us.

Hilda

That’s right: We’re here. We care. [smiles] And we have pie!

Hilda

Let's make him a great dancer.

Zelda

And a daredevil.

Hilda

And a musician!

Zelda

[frowns] Do girls still like musicians?

Hilda

Ever since Mozart’s "Feel the Heat" tour. [Zelda hums in a "good point", manner] Oh, I overdid the enthusiasm.

Zelda

He’s going to a high school dance - he’s going to need all the enthusiasm he can get.

Hilda

Are you insane?! You left without a fight! What were you thinking?!

Zelda

That I want Sabrina to come home.

Hilda

Me too! Now, let’s go back and get her - I’ll hold Vesta!

Zelda

No, that won't work! If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay, then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.

Hilda

Can we say it and just not use the word "can’t"?

Zelda

Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.

Hilda

[catches on] Ooh Zelda, sneaky! You had a scheme!

Zelda

Well, Vesta is my sister. [leaves the room]

Hilda

[to herself] I want a scheme!

Zelda

That was my old collage buddy.

Hilda

Galileo?

Zelda

No, Ethan Bodiker. He’s coming over tomorrow night for dinner.

Hilda

Oh, Zelda, you have a date!

Zelda

It’s not a date, it’s dinner with a colleague. And you’re welcome to join us.

Hilda

I’d rather die, but thanks.

Sabrina

You know Joel, someday some girl will appreciate all your hard work. Maybe not in high school, but I’m sure by late college... Well, I’d better get going.

So I... I guess this is it?

Sabrina

I guess. [pause] No wait, we have English class together?

Oh, right! So, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Sabrina

Yeah, see you.

Hilda

What’s going on? [to Joel] Who are you?

I’m Joel. [a beat, then he jumps away, shocked] Wait, you can see me?!

Hilda

Yes. And you’re not wearing any pants.

Sabrina

Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.

Zelda

You went to Science Club? Oh, that’s wonderful!

Sabrina

No, it’s not! Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek!

Hilda

I knew this would happen; it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.

Zelda

Oh, be quiet! [conjures a helmet (with a visor) on Hilda's head]

Hilda

Hey! It’s dark in here!

Zelda

[to Sabrina] Now, it shouldn’t bother you what Libby says-

Sabrina

It shouldn’t, but it does. I wanna use my magic to teach Libby a lesson.

Zelda

That sounds very constructive.

Sabrina

I’m going to give her a snout!

Hilda

[raises her visor] Oh, good idea!

Zelda

You need to talk to my friend Cicero, he’s an expert on these matters. Come on, we’ll look him up in the book. [leads Sabrina up the stairs]Are you coming, Hilda?

Hilda

Yes! [tries to stand, but fails] No... I can’t. My outfits too heavy... but it’s very useful!

Sabrina

I just thought you should know the kid next door is chucking water balloons at our house.

Zelda

Mm, I know. Hilda already went out there, she said she was going to do something about it.

Sabrina

He’s such a little creep, he’s going to break my window.

Hilda

[from outside] YARR! prepare to be boarded, Timmy!

Sabrina

What was that?!

Hilda

Yes! I used my cannon - it stays!