“A Halloween Story” quotes from Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Harvey

My parents are making me have an Halloween party.

Sabrina

Bummer. Next thing you know, they’ll make you go on a ski trip.

Harvey

No, see, my Dad always buys in bulk at these discount clubs, and we got a lot of snack food that expires in November.

Sabrina

Oh, so that’s why it says "all food must be eaten by midnight"...

Harvey

I’m thinking about going as James Dean.

Sabrina

I love James Dean!

Harvey

Yeah, and all I need is a white T-shirt, some jeans and somethin’ to lean on... Anyway, I was hoping you could come early and help me set stuff up?

Sabrina

[disappointed] Oh, I can’t, I’ve got a family thing. My aunts take Halloween very seriously. I know it’s weird...

Harvey

No, no, my mom’s that way about Flag Day.

Sabrina

Please? I have to go to Harvey’s party!

Zelda

No!

Sabrina

What if I promise to be with the family all Thanksgiving?

Hilda

We’re not big on Thanksgiving - That holiday was started by Puritans who weren’t exactly witch-friendly.

Sabrina

[snide] So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like superheroes?

Zelda

That is not what All Hallows Eve is all about! It’s a time for remembering the dead!

Sabrina

[sarcastic] Oh, that sounds like fun! I just know I’ll have a terrible time!

Hilda

And that’s what family gatherings are all about; D’you think I want to listen to Cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No!

Zelda

But we go, because it’s tradition.

Hilda

And Zelda makes me.

Sabrina

And now you’re making me?!

Hilda

See? Tradition!

Sabrina

Hi, Amanda. I’m your cousin, Sabrina.

You better be nice to me, or I’ll put you in a jar.

Sabrina

[taken back] Excuse me?

I put all the people who aren’t nice to me in jars. [picks up a jar with a tiny person trapped inside, and puts it on the table] This is Mr. Altree; he tried to teach me math.

Sabrina

Can he breath in there?

Yes, I gave him air holes. [to the man in the jar] Here’s a math problem, Mr. Altree: five air holes minus one air hole is how many? [places her finger over one of the air holes]

[frightened] No, please! I wanna live! [gets down on his knees] I wanna live!

See? Nobody likes pop quizzes!

I wanna live!

[to a disturbed Sabrina] Do you wanna put someone in a jar?

Sabrina

No! My aunts taught me it’s not nice to use magic to hurt other people!

[snootily] Well, my parents let me use magic any time I want, and I don’t even have to ask.

Sabrina

[under her breath] Brat...

[sharply] What was that?

Sabrina

Nothing!

[showing Hilda and Zelda photographs] ...And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know, if either one of you ever has a honeymoon, you really must take it in the south of France. [beat] On second thoughts, don’t wait; I wouldn’t want you to miss out!

Hilda

Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.

Zelda

That’s right! Hilda is single completely by choice, because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.

And Zelda? What’s your excuse?

Hilda

Zelda doesn’t need an excuse. She’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.

Mommy, look what I did! [slams a glass jar down on the table]

Zelda

[shocked] Is that Sabrina?!

Hilda

What did you do to her?!

She wouldn’t colour with me.

[delighted] Oh, that is so cute!

Sabrina

[to her aunts] Can we please go home now? I’m really not having any fun! [to Amanda] I’ll colour with you Amanda, please, let me out!

Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.

Salem

Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.

Hilda

[to Zelda, watching Amanda opening her present] There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.

A solid gold dolly! Thank you, Mommy!

It’s from Mommy and Daddy!

Hilda

We got Sabrina something too.

Hilda

[warmly] Happy Halloween.

[patronising] Oh, a nice card. Kids love those...

Sabrina

[reading card] It’s a gift certificate... "To spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice". What’s this?

[surprised] You got her a Reanimation? Those are very pricey.

[upset] I want a Reanimation! I want a Reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION! [Marigold drags her away]

Sabrina

This is the weirdest gift... What do I do with it?

Hilda

It’s yours to spend as you like.

Zelda

But you must use it tonight - the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve

Salem

You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out!

Zelda

What?

Salem

Come close. [whispers to them]

Zelda

[gasps] I don’t believe it! Marigold is splitting up with Harold?

Hilda

[delighted] Oh, this is the best Halloween, ever!

Sabrina

...So, I moved in with Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda. They do more weird things by nine a.m. than most people do all day. They take really good care of me.

I always liked them. So tell me, how’s school? Do you still like science?

Sabrina

Yeah! My teacher, Mr. Pool, can be really annoying... But he’s actually a good guy.

Do you have a boyfriend yet?

Sabrina

There’s a guy I like, his name's Harvey... But right now, we’re just sorta friends.

Oh, well, he’d be a fool if he doesn’t fall for you!

Sabrina

You think I’m the prettiest girl in the world.

That’s because you are. And smart, too!

Sabrina

[bashful] Thanks. [pause] But, Granny... There’s something I want to tell you, only, well... it’s kinda strange.

Well, Sabrina, you know you can always tell me anything.

Sabrina

...I’m a witch.

[beat] Well, dear, as long as you’re happy.

Sabrina

Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much you care. So, don’t buy into the hype and commercialisation of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved ones. Just gather round the Jack-O-Lantern and remember: the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?

Salem

There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.

Sabrina

Ignore him. Happy Halloween.