HildaEverything okay?
No! My trophy won't shut up.
Hilda
Well just tell it to... Huh?
It keeps calling me names. I don't know what's happening.
I take it you decided to compete in Kung Fu?
TTrophy
Yeah and she won. Cheater!
That explains it. The trophy is speaking your guilty conscience.
You told me to decide for myself, and I did!
TTrophy
And you decided wrong.
How do I get it to stop yapping?
Hilda
Well, you could put a teeny weeny sock in his mouth, or you could clear your conscience.
Salem, were you in my closet again?
You ruined my favorite Christmas sweater!
Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.
You were reading my diary again?
Yes, and it’s duller than dish water...
I’ve told you a thousands times...
...When I was a teenager we-
...Stay out of my stuff-!
Stop it, you two! It’s Christmas Eve and I don’t want any more arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology. [Salem says nothing] Now!
I’m thinking of how to word it.
Hilda
Try "I’m sorry".
Somehow, that just doesn’t feel right...
Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery, but now I’ve gotta change, thanks to you!
Since you thanked me, can I ask a favor?
Excuse me, cat? You want a favor?
Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a touch of cabin fever, and I'd really like to-
Are you insane?! I wouldn’t bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person-slash-cat on Earth! [Storms off]
[nonchalant] Man, what’s her problem?
Hilda
You are so self centred, even for a cat.
[Thinking of a way to get Salem home]
Can we focus? Okay, we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something.
Hilda
I’ve got it: We all hide inside a giant wooden horse!
[sarcastic] Hmm, that worked so well the last time.
What if I use my magic to pop into the house and grab Salem?
Too risky; if the little boy sees you, you're caught. How will you explain it?
I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of there as fast as I could.
Hilda
Oh, good plan! [Zelda nudges her ribs. Hard] Bad plan.
Hilda
What’s going on? I heard an explosion! [notices Sabrina] Oh, you're just making soup.
No, I’m stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.
Hilda
What happened?
It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in front of the whole class.
Hilda
Like some sort of zoo monkey?
Yeah. [imitates monkey] Co-Co hate teacher-man! [normally] Anyway, I know I flunked. So, I’m giving him an expanding butt until I can find the perfect revenge spell.
Hilda
Well, you know nothing says "Pay-back" like [points to page in Magic Book] "Just Desserts"
[reading outloud] "The spell that guarantees he’ll get what’s coming to him"!
Hilda
But, it’s only to be used as a last resort. You might want to try and deal with him the mortal way, first.
Hilda
No. Talk to him.
I don’t want to. You talk to him.
Hilda
Mr. Rothwell?
Hilda
Hi, I’m Hilda Spellman, Sabrina’s aunt. I wanted to talk to you about the test she took today.
Excellent timing, I’ve just finished correcting them. I’ll find hers.
Hilda
Oh, thanks. See, she’s upset because she thinks she’s failed, but I know she didn’t because she’s very bright and she studied so hard-
[interrupting] She got an ‘F’
Hilda
[shocked] That’s impossible! Are you sure you added it up right?
[mockingly] Miss Spellman, I’m a math teacher but feel free to double check. [He gets up from his desk to put the marked papers away and shows off an inordinately large butt. Hilda stifles a giggle] There were fifteen questions. The first five were worth forty points, the next five worth forty-five and the last five were worth fifteen. Sabrina got two of the biggies, three of the middies and one of the babies for a grand total of forty-five points. What percent of a hundred?
Hilda
Oh! I-er... Fifteen questions, one hundred points, thirty-two... I have no idea!
Forty-five percent! Jeez, no wonder she failed...
Hilda
[gasps] But I didn’t have a chance to study for this meeting!
Wait a second, how can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?
Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.
But now kids are going to be stuck with him, year after year!
Well, whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.
Some people are just jerks?
Hilda
Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever.
So he did get his just desserts...
Hilda
M-hm. And now, I think we should get frozen desserts.
Hilda
Hi, kitten! I just made tuna noodle casserole! [lifts lid of casserole dish and is enveloped by a cloud of steam] What do you think? [coughs]
I think you’re both over done. [pulls out a piece of paper] Here, I made a list of possible topics for tonight’s dinner conversation. Now, if one doesn’t work, move on, but don’t stray from the list. [hands it to Hilda]
Hilda
Hey, I think I know what to talk about. [reads list] Towels?
Listen up: "Mortals without concious knowledge of the realm may walk in and out of it freely." [smugly] Loophole!
But Jenny already has concious knowledge
So we get rid of the concious part
Hilda
We knock her out?
No. We convince her she’s having a dream. Then she can leave.
RRulebearer
Yes, she can. [holds up scroll] I have it in writing.
DDrell
[disappointed] Oh, toothpicks!
RRulebearer
Sorry. Rules are rules, but loopholes are loopholes!
What am I gonna do? Harvey and I are supposed to give a report on the rain-forest today, but I am not going to school like this! [gestures to wart]
You can’t skip school because of a wart. It’s part of being a witch.
Hilda
It happens to all of us; I once had one on the end of my nose for a decade. [laughs, then stops] Actually, it wasn’t that funny, I wanted to die. Just be glad you can cover yours with a baseball cap. [conjures up a cap for Sabrina]
Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.
Hilda
I’m not - I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot! I love those side-burns!
Yeah. I may be a house pet, but I totally see it...
Well then, we should celebrate.
Hilda
And there’s no better way to celebrate than with a woggly joggly flan! [conjures up a flan]
[happily] This is great! Great, great, great! [Zelda, Hilda and Salem give her a hard look] I was being sincere!
Hilda
Look, we’re really sorry we embarrassed you...
...And we feel we owe you some fun. So... [conjures up a vacuum cleaner]
Hilda
Ta-da!
[unimpressed] I get to clean the house?
Hilda
Yes! See, old time witches used broomsticks, but vacuums are much faster and more efficient.
You’re gonna let me fly? I don’t believe this!
It’s true. You proved tonight that you can handle the responsibility...
Hilda
...And we were very impressed by the way you refused to buckle to peer-pressure...
And most importantly, you called us your friends.
[They group hug]
[tearfully] Stop, you’re embarrassing me.
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · 191 quotes
