DJ Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

Hey Darlene, did you ever think about banging your head into the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.

Darlene

[sarcastically] Thank you very much.

D.J.

Thank you very much.

Darlene

[chasing D.J. upstairs] You're dead!

D.J.

You're dead!

Roseanne

[to Dan] Whew! How's it goin'?

Dan

Whew! How's it goin'?

Dan

Do I have to spell it out for ya? [making movements to illustrate each letter as he speaks] P-M-S!

D.J.

OH MY GOD! [dives under the kitchen table to hide]

D.J.

Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?

Roseanne

Three hands...?

D.J.

Yeah, look.

Roseanne

Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!

Jackie

Say, guys, um... your son just gave Gilligan the finger.

Roseanne

Dan...

Dan

Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island!

Roseanne

(sternly) Dan!

Dan

Alright, Alright. DJ! Get in here, little buddy!

Roseanne

BECKY!!!

DJ

Yeah?

Dan

Have a seat, okay? Let's see, uh, how can I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, and see the big guy in the third row? Just don't ever stick him up in the air at anybody.

D.J.

But Mom did it when she was driving!

Roseanne

Well, the idiot cuts me off!

Dan

Deej, what's goin' on?

D.J.

It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.

Dan

No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.

DJ

But I wanna live!

Roseanne

Don't encourage him!

Dan

Kid's a genius!

Roseanne

He's an extortionist! So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?

D.J.

No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.

Roseanne

He IS a genius.

D.J.

I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.

Roseanne

That's impossible.

D.J.

Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!

Darlene

Ahh... Becky? D.J. made a sundial out of birth control pills!

What?

D.J.

It even tells the days of the week.

Gotta go, Mom. Love you. [hangs up the phone]

Darlene

Geez, Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler.

D.J.

They're not Mom's.

D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these! Listen, you are not to take these to school, understand? Now you go and find something else to make your sundial out of.

D.J.

Okay, I'll go put these back in your drawer. [leaves]

DJ

I thought it was good to be a man.

Dan

Oh, no. Not since the late '60s, son

D.J.

What's a virgin?

Darlene

You in forty years.

D.J.

You're only moving to Chicago 'cause your mom needs an operation.

She does not!

D.J.

She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.

Darlene

I can handle this.

You can't take her, Darlene.

Darlene

I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.

D.J.

Okay, just stay down.

Darlene

You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?

Dan

Coming.

Darlene

Watch.

Dan

Yeah, Darlene.

Darlene

Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.

Dan

Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.

You're dead, Darlene.

Darlene

Oh, man.

Dan

Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.

D.J.

I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne

I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan

I'm not home.

Jackie

I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

If it's Dean...

Jackie

If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David

Tell her I'm in the shower.

Roseanne

[to D.J.] Your sister's leavin'.

D.J.

[cheerfully] See ya! (Runs off)

Roseanne

I hope you know how hard that was for him.

Molly

[playing video games with D.J.] I love these games. We used to play them all the time back in Iowa.

D.J.

Without electricity?

Molly

[puzzled] What?

D.J.

Darlene says there's no electricity or lights where you come from, but that's okay, 'cause you can't read anyway.

Molly

[angry] Oh yeah? Well, what else did she say?

D.J.

You guys keep live chickens in your kitchen and kill 'em with your bare hands.

Molly

Oh, really?

D.J.

Yeah. But there's one part I don't get. How can someone's sister be their mom?