DJ Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?

D.J.

Try to steal it from him.

Darlene

No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?

I want you to know we're usually very happy with D.J. He's a hard worker, listens well in class, although this new dressing-up phase does concern us a little.

Dan

Kids.

Well, we don't discourage unorthodox dress here. We do discourage, however, students from bringing certain types of reading material to school.

Dan

[thinking the principal is talking about one of his Playboys] I understand, Cecil. Something that might be perfectly normal and acceptable for adults wouldn't be okay for kids to bring to school.

I'm sorry, but the filth that D.J. was reading couldn't possibly be considered okay anywhere. It's the most offensively sick piece of garbage I've ever seen.

Dan

[still thinking the principal is referring to a Playboy issue] Didn't you read the articles?

[hands the book to Dan] I didn't see any articles in this.

Dan

It's a comic book. D.J., you brought a comic book to school. Good boy!

I can see I should've spoken to his mother.

Dan

[leafing through the comic] Well, look, I...I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read 'em in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature...[turns a page] My God, what kind of diseased mind could create something like this?!

It's obviously some sort of cheap underground thing.

Dan

Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?

D.J.

Darlene made it.

D.J.

Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.

Roseanne

Oh...not now, D.J.

D.J.

The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!

Roseanne

God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?

D.J.

I got a D.

Roseanne

It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.

D.J.

Geez, it was only one time, give a break!

Roseanne

You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.

D.J.

OK!

Roseanne

Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash! [everyone dances and claps while Dan plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica]

Roseanne

Now all we need is some little half-wit sittin' in the front yard eating dirt.

D.J.

[coming in the front door] Hi!

Roseanne

[to Darlene, who is opening her mouth to speak and pointing at D.J.] Shut up, Darlene.

D.J.

"Gather round, ye citizens of Lanford, and hear the tale of the founding of your town. Many years ago, Vikings came to America and discovered Lanford, but it was already one of the thirteen colonies. So Abraham Lincoln sent them home. He freed the Vikings. And then the Indians came with Geronimo and..."

Roseanne

Hey, hey, hold it. Where did you come up with all this stuff?

D.J.

Darlene told me.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] Hey, I'm surprised you left out the part where Moses led his people out of Lanford. [to D.J.] Never believe anything Darlene tells you.

Darlene

Except what I told you about sex. That was all true.

Roseanne

[to D.J.] I want you to go to the library and look up the real story about the founding of Lanford, OK? Go to where we check out the videos and ask where the books are.

D.J.

Okay, but I'm looking up the sex thing too, so be ready!

DJ

uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh. (hangs up)

Roseanne

Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.

Roseanne

Y'know, you think Darlene's helping you out, but she really isn't; she's telling me everything. This whole thing is just a big plan that we worked out to set you up.

D.J.

No it isn't!

Roseanne

How can you be sure?

D.J.

'Cause Darlene told me you'd say that. [leaves]

Roseanne

[under her breath] Daaaaamn.

Roseanne

D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.

D.J.

(sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?

Roseanne

Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes) this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it; D.J. is completely horrified while Jackie is laughing) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I'm going to dance for them!

DJ

(knocks on bathroom door) Mom?

Jackie

The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)

Dan

DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...

Roseanne

Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?

Roseanne

Let's talk about DJ's school.

Darlene

Yeah, I heard he got caught playing with his instrument in band.

DJ

I'm not in band, stupid!

DJ

(on having stolen his parents' car) I was just going down the street. George dared me. Then i got stuck in the mud and couldn't get out.

Roseanne

So you come all the way home and just go to bed and you don't even tell us about it?!

DJ

I forgot!

D.J.

...I wanna go upstairs! (stands up)

Roseanne

(pulls him into her lap) No! No- you can't go upstairs 'till we talk this all out. Umm...I know how you're feeling. I know you're feeling mad, and kind of embarassed, and..

DJ

Wrong!

Roseanne

Well, that's the way I used to feel when I got hit.

DJ

(frowns)...Who hit you?

Roseanne

Your grandpa hit me. A lot.

DJ

But what'd you do wrong?

Roseanne

I don't know, maybe I breathed or something.

D.J.

Did you hate him?

Roseanne

(pause) Yeah, sometimes. You know, 'cause, uh, the worse thing was that he never ever said he was sorry for any of it, you know? (her voice breaks) But...I don't want you hating me, DJ. I'm really sorry that I hit you- and no matter what, I'm never gonna hit you again, ever.

D.J.

No matter what I do?

Roseanne

Yeah, no matter what you do.

D.J.

(pause) I'm sorry you got hit.

Roseanne

I'm sorry you got hit, too- BIG sorry, like- like "now-would-be-a-great-time-to-ask-me-for-a-new-puppy" kind of sorry. (D.J. laughs and gives her a hug)

Darlene

D.J., I bought you your video games yesterday- you keep your mouth shut about David, or you die.

D.J.

(defensively) O.K. (pause) Why is David here, anyway?

Darlene

(takes a soda from her fridge) Because he couldn't stand your smell either.

D.J.

No- really, why is he here?

Darlene

Because we wanted to be together.

D.J.

(confused) Why?

Darlene

Because we... do. (smirks) When you have a girlfriend someday- or, a really good blow-up doll- you'll understand.

D.J.

... Do you guys have sex?

Darlene

(smirks, then acts defensive)... That is not for you to know!

D.J.

I'll tell Mom about David.

Darlene

All right- all right, D.J. I'm gonna level with you and talk to you like you're an adult. No- David and I are not having sex.

D.J.

They told us at school: If you don't want a baby, you better use birth control.

Darlene

(pause, then walks past him and sits down)... No, no- this conversation is not happening.

D.J.

Do you use birth control?

Darlene

(sarcastic) Yes, D.J.- we keep a picture of you right next to the bed.

D.J.

(comes over and sits next to her on the bed) You're not ever coming home again, are you?

Darlene

You should be so lucky.

D.J.

(annoyed) It's all different now!

Darlene

(frowns) What is?

D.J.

Everything. Becky just cares about Mark, and you're gone.

Darlene

(pause, then smiles) Well, gee, Deej- I never thought you'd actually miss me. (puts her arm around his shoulder and ruffles his hair) You want me to, like, sit on your head or something?

D.J.

Mmm- nah, maybe later.

D.J.

Did your water break when you had me?

Roseanne

By the time I had you, everything was broken.

D.J.

I just had some questions about God and stuff.

Roseanne

Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.

D.J.

OK...What religion are we?

Roseanne

I have no idea...Dan?

Dan

Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.

D.J.

So what do we believe?

Roseanne

Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.

Dan

Yeah, but we're not practicing.