Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

Only in our family could somebody be nuts for 20 years and nobody notices.

Roseanne

Oh, we notice, Darlene. We're just ignoring you.

D.J.

I just had some questions about God and stuff.

Roseanne

Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.

D.J.

OK...What religion are we?

Roseanne

I have no idea...Dan?

Dan

Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.

D.J.

So what do we believe?

Roseanne

Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.

Dan

Yeah, but we're not practicing.

D.J.

It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much?

Roseanne

Well, because... um... sometimes it's real hard not to, you know. But... if I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else... so... so, you see, I'm- I'm using restraint, and God loves that.

Darlene

You wanna know why I swear, D.J.?

D.J.

Yeah, why?

Darlene

Shut the hell up!

D.J.

Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one?

Roseanne

Of course not!

D.J.

But you said it was only okay with God to cheat a big company who cheated you. But you weren't giving Leon any of his money.

Roseanne

Listen to me, D.J. In the Bible it states, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's," okay; it doesn't say no damn thing about rendering nothing unto Leon!

D.J.

But Mom...

Roseanne

No, D.J.! Would you get off my back?! Even God took a day off!!!

Dan

Fred told me that Jackie thinks I'm like a God.

Roseanne

Well, that's only because you never do nothing on Sunday.

Roseanne

You haven't been feedin' me a load of the truth, have ya?

David

Yeah. I thought that's what you'd like.

Roseanne

David, obviously you know very little about this family. We have raised three children without the truth, and we've managed to do very well, thank you, without your consarned newfangled ways.

Dan

Hi, honey. David, what are you doing up?

David

Well... I heard this noise, so I came downstairs to see what it was, and it was this huge bird... that was caught in the screen door there, I got it out, and then he left.

Dan

[nonchalantly] Okay. [saunters back to bed]

Roseanne

See?

Roseanne

I hope you weren't doing it for some reason to rebel against me and your dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark.

Darlene

Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.

Roseanne

And I want you in this house for all the holidays, okay - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Black History Month.

Darlene

Well, what am I supposed to tell my job when they say I have to work?

Roseanne

Just say no.

Leon

(reading from the suggestion box) Suggestion number one, the meat is a little dry. I would agree with that. Suggestion number two, make that uptight blond guy stop hovering over us while we're trying to... (realizing the customers are referring to him) eat.

Roseanne

I would agree with that. Now let's see...(shuffling around the papers of suggestions and picks out one) Suggestion number three, lose the waiter guy, he reminds me of my mother.

Leon

Well aren't we clever, Roseanne? Stuffing the suggestion box. This is your suggestion, isn't it.

Guess again.

Leon

Well... luckily I don't value the opinion of anyone who would choose to eat here. (walks off in a huff)

Roseanne

(once Leon is out of earshot) Okay, a deal's a deal. (sets a plate down in front of the Customer) Free pie.

Jackie

Fred is so nervous about waking the baby up that he is beginning to... gloss over some vital areas.

Leon

Oh my God, are you talking about... ?

Roseanne

You mean, he gets in the elevator, but... he won't go down?

Leon

[disgusted] If I wasn't gay before, I would be now.

Roseanne

Well, if you weren't gay before, then a whole bunch of guys owe you a big apology.

Roseanne

Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs Florentine.

Dan

I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.

Roseanne

You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.

D.J.

Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.

Roseanne

Are you new?

Jackie

My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.

Roseanne

Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!

Fred

That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.

Jackie

[taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?

Roseanne

[guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget where they were the day Lincoln was shot.

Jackie

They're completely naked, all the time?

Roseanne

Sometimes he wears a hat.

And don't you ever feed my dog!

Roseanne

If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!

Jackie

[laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?

Dan

I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.

Roseanne

I like her!