Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

[to Becky who is now again played by Lecy Goranson] Where the hell have you been?

Just getting this.

Roseanne

Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.

Jackie

(about Andy) You gave him Oreos? Roseanne, what about my list? I specifically asked you not to feed him any junk food.

Roseanne

Hey, you can spit and swear, you can even take the Lord's name in vain, but you will not come into my house and refer to Oreos as junk food!

Jackie

I am willing to admit, I have got a lot to learn about being a mother, but, so do you!

Roseanne

I HAD a lot to learn and I learned it and now I'm done!

David

(trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!

Roseanne

You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!

Dan

[Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.

Roseanne

All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?

Dan

[pause] B3.

Roseanne

That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.

Dan

G6.

Roseanne

The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.

Jackie

I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!

Roseanne

I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.

[to Roseanne and Dan, who are crashing a bar mitzvah at their hotel and pretending to be Jewish] What temple do you belong to?

Roseanne

Temple... Beth... Midler.

Really, I've never heard of that. Are you reformed?

Roseanne

No, but we're trying to cut down.

Well, we're gonna take a little break now, ha ha. When we come back, the Meyer family has requested something from Fiddler on the Roof, so if you have any requests, please don't hesitate, ha ha.

Roseanne

What about something from Jesus Christ Superstar?

[laughing nervously] Well, there's one in every crowd!

Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.

Mark

Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.

Buh-bye!

Bye! Happy Halloween!

Roseanne

Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.

Dan

Just wasn't in the cards, honey.

Dan

If you think I'm talented, just say it.

Roseanne

I think you're talented.

Dan

You're just saying that.

Mind if I have a look at that guy's check? [Takes check and starts dialing the phone] You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You know, when I was waiting tables in college, I could tell you stories that'd curl...[into phone] Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come N' Go Motel over in Elgin. When you and your husband were in here last time, unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind. You weren't? Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blond? Whoops, my mistake.

Roseanne

Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.

We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.

Roseanne

What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?

Leon

Scott!

Hi, Honey!

Leon

Roseanne, what is all this?

Roseanne

It's a gay wedding!

Leon

This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!

Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.

Roseanne

How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

Leon

What if I'm not even gay?

Roseanne

You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.

Leon

Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!

Roseanne

But do you like having sex with men?

Leon

Well...

Roseanne

GAY!!!!!!!!!

Leon

Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.