Roseanne (to DJ): I'm really sorry that I hit you, D.J. It was totally wrong, I never should have done it and I am so mad at myself for doin' it!
...I wanna go upstairs! (stands up)
Roseanne(pulls him into her lap) No! No- you can't go upstairs 'till we talk this all out. Umm...I know how you're feeling. I know you're feeling mad, and kind of embarassed, and..
Roseanne
Well, that's the way I used to feel when I got hit.
Roseanne
Your grandpa hit me. A lot.
Roseanne
I don't know, maybe I breathed or something.
Roseanne
(pause) Yeah, sometimes. You know, 'cause, uh, the worse thing was that he never ever said he was sorry for any of it, you know? (her voice breaks) But...I don't want you hating me, DJ. I'm really sorry that I hit you- and no matter what, I'm never gonna hit you again, ever.
Roseanne
Yeah, no matter what you do.
(pause) I'm sorry you got hit.
Roseanne
I'm sorry you got hit, too- BIG sorry, like- like "now-would-be-a-great-time-to-ask-me-for-a-new-puppy" kind of sorry. (D.J. laughs and gives her a hug)
Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
Roseanne
Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
[Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
What is Santa Claus doing?
Roseanne
Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
[Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]
Roseanne
Oh well, I hate to ruin the ending of it for ya, Mark, but he eats the Green Eggs and Ham.
I'm studying upstairs. [leaves in a huff]
Don't pick on him, Mom. He's really doing it this time. We've spent all day working together. I can't believe how much he's learned.
Roseanne
Well, does this mean that we'll have to stop spellin' stuff out that we don't want him to know about?
[Darlene and David walk into the apartment to find Roseanne and Mark waiting for them]
Roseanne
Hi, David. I found this, uh, pen, is it yours?
Roseanne
Oh, OK. Well, I'll be going then. ... Oh wait a minute, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!
Roseanne
No, you're not talking. You're not talking for a very long time. And you better sit down, 'cause this is gonna take a while.
You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?
When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.
Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!
Roseanne
Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
Roseanne
Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.
(Roseanne's talking to Jackie about Dan's reaction to his mother being admitted into a mental institution)
Roseanne
Ashamed? He's been married to me for 21 years. You'd think he'd be numbed to shame by now.
I don't know, Roseanne. It is kinda bad. I mean his mom beat our mom to the loony bin.
Roseanne · 578 quotes
