[We start with Strawberry Shortcake in her house, congratulating Baby-Needs-A-Name for getting a pet of her own, which resembles a lavender hippopotamus covered in light green dots]
Baby-Needs-A-Name, your wish came true! [Baby-Needs-A-Name claps her hands] You have a pet of your berry own!
BNBaby-Needs-A-Name
Yes, Strawberry Shortcake, but I have another wish. I want to have a name of my berry own, too!
We should give you a name soon, and not leave it open to debate! Strawberryland is berry sheltered, but it's a big world out there, and others might have berry different opinions about what constitutes an appropriate name.
BNBaby-Needs-A-Name
I'm not worried!
Well, I'm just saying- [Bitch Pudding slams her front door open] Oh. Hello, Bitch Pudding.
Wassup, hoes? [then slowly walks to the refrigerator and drags her finger on the dusty table along the way. She sighs, opens the refrigerator, grabs a strawberry soda, kicks the refrigerator closed, takes a sip, and slowly walks out of Strawberry Shortcake's house]
[relieved] Whew! [to Baby-Needs-A-Name] Anyway, I'm sure that one day, someone will give you a name.
[crashes through the window feet first back into Strawberry Shortcake's house] BLAM! [to Baby-Needs-A-Name, cutting Strawberry Shortcake off and flipping her off] Your name is [Bleep]face! You [bleep]ing [bleep]face! BLAM! [Bleep]face! BLAM! [Bleep]face! BLAM, bitches! DA DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!!! BITCH PUDDING! [exits the house, but not before prying the door open once more to knock over Strawberry Shortcake's teapot with her raised middle finger]
[groans in exasperation] I am so sorry! I think she has Asperger's or something, but, don't take it personally, Baby-Needs-A-Name.
BNBaby-Needs-A-Name
No, no. Call me [Bleep]face!
TTeacher
[Holding a banana] Condoms reduce the risk of pregnancy and STDs, but only when used properly. [Puts a hat for it becomes barry]
[laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Beware, Gotham City, NOTHING can stop...The Joker!
[Batman immediately swoops in, giving the Joker a few kicks, and starts graphically beating him up into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]
No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!
Then I guess that means I win! I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail! Rinse and repeat-
Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm...
[Scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]
JJudge
And with the accepted go-to by Batman... [aside glance] Thank you, Batman. [addressing the people] The court has decided on the death penalty! [bangs his gavel]
[to Joker] It's, uh, it's out of my hands.
[We cut to the electric chair where the Joker is strapped in]
CGCommissioner Gordon
Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?
[in an almost sincere voice] I know Jesus has forgiven me.
PPolice Officer
Is that a joke?
PPolice officer
Here we go! [then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and the Joker starts to become violently electrocuted] That's not right. [puts on maximum power]
CGCommissioner Gordon
Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!
[as he's still being electrocuted] [BLEEP] YOU, DORK KNIGHT!
[Everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]
[He and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]
CGCommissioner Gordon
[nervously backing away] I didn't know-I-I didn't know...
Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?
CGCommissioner Gordon
[somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips him, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off] Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon!
[A game of Contra is being played, with the Konami Code being entered for extra lives. One of the characters is shot down]
CGContra Guy
No!! Damn you Contra bastards! [pauses] Or are we the Contras? I never got that.
[The other character is brought back]
CGContra Guy
Blue Pants! You're alive?!
OCOther Contra Guy
Guess so. Maybe we're immortal?
CGContra Guy
Let's find out!
[The first Contra guy goes up and gets shot down, then brought back to life]
BBoth
[high-fiving each other] Groundhog Day, mother[bleep]ers!
OCOther Contra Guy
[grabs a grenade] Ooh, what's this? A message in a bottle? Oh no! It's a grenade. Go tell my family that- Oh, wait, I'm immortal [bleep]ers! Run for the hills! [the grenade explodes and he dies, but DOES NOT respond]
CGContra Guy
What? No! What kind of sick [bleep] gives a man exactly thirty lives? [is shot down, and a Game Over screen appears]
[to his computer] Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I [starts falling asleep] love you more than-any-individual-family member.
JBJustin Beiber
[singing in a comedically terrible Auto-Tune voice] Woooah, I'm crushing on crushes. Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boys [Game Boys.] And I'm feeling so highhhh [Feeling so high, girl.] I like Skittles, Sk-Skittles, Skittles, Skittles.
DDirector
And cut! [turns towards the producer] This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on.
DDirector
Yeah. A young lesbian, proud of who she is, and singing about it; awesome.
PProducer
That's a little boy!
[The Director drops his megaphone in disbelief]
[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, which of course is barely understood by the audience due to the usual "wah-wah-wah" style most Peanuts adults speak in]
Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here.
You'll always be the [bleep] catcher, Charlie Brown!
SSally
Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo!
LLinus
[rolls his eyes] Oh, brother!
[A new kid named Ren struts in]
RRen
Hey everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormick.
SSally
[pushes Linus away] Hello!!
You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production.
RRen
I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. [silence] You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. [silence, then sighs] I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose. [still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance] Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen.
RRen
Sorry, [bleep]-box...
PPigpen
It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best.
RRen
You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is that guy even doing?
[Cuts to the kid dancing the running man]
KKid
I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!!
RRen
Sorry, I need to get the [bleep] out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. [leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]
RSRen's Classmate
Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional!
RSRen's Classmate
Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks.
RRen
[stops dancing] Rats!
LLisa
Look! We finally made it!
RReynaldo
The Legendary Pyraminxes! They must be full of treasures!
[A hostile sentient puzzle snake appears]
CCarlos
Oh no! Penis puzzle! You better keep your mouth off it, Reynaldo.
RReynaldo
It's a snake, you jackass.
[Lisa pulls out a scrambled Rubik]
LLisa
Rubik the Amazing Cube can help us/annoy us with his cutesy 80's cartoon voice!
[Carlos snatches the cube and begins to solve the puzzle himself]
CCarlos
Give me that! Boys have better spatial reasoning than girls.
LLisa
I'd be angry at that sexist comment if it wasn't a proven scientific fact backed up by years of academic research.
[Carlos solves Rubik]
[Rubik comes to life]
RRubik
Rubik, here to help!
[The kids plug their ears]
CCarlos
Ugh! That voice is like getting anal-sexed in the ear canal.
RRubik
But first, Rubik been dying to ask... Why did you turn Rubik back into lifeless puzzle last time?
LLisa
Um, we had to get you through customs.
RRubik
That was three days ago! Do you know where Rubik's spirit goes when you jumble Rubik's colors?! A DARK COLD NEVERLAND OF HOPELESSNESS!
[The snake puzzle is seen chasing Reynaldo in the distance]
CCarlos
Dammit, Rubik! What do you want, an apology blowjob?! DO SOMETHING!
RRubik
Rubik, here to help!
[Rubik proceeds to fire lasers at the snake puzzle, but it dodges every laser, then shapes itself into a ball and bowls over the camels the kids were riding. It then transforms into a dog shape]
RReynaldo
Oh no! No! NO! NO! [The snake puzzle mounts Reynaldo and begins aggressively humping him] AAAUUUGHHH! MY ANUS!!
CCarlos
Do it Rubik! End his pain!
RRubik
Rubik, here to help! [Rubik fires a laser at both Reynaldo and the snake puzzle, but the snake puzzle dodges at the last second, with the laser vaporizing Reynaldo into dust.]
CCarlos
He's in a better place. A place without is-thay unt-licker-cay.
[The snake puzzle becomes a rectangular wall and towers over Lisa]
LLisa
I don't know which way to run! I HAVE NO SPATIAL REASONING!
[The snake puzzle topples over and crushes Lisa to death, then transforms back into a snake]
RRubik
Rubik, here to help!
[Rubik continues to fire lasers at the snake puzzle, accidentally shooting and vaporizing Carlos' eyes]
CCarlos
AAAGGHH! MY SEEING PARTS!
[The snake puzzle flees, bumping into Rubik and scrambling his colors; the blinded Carlos reaches around to find Rubik, eventually finding him]
CCarlos
Rubik? Rubik? Oh, there you are! I'll bring you back Rubik! Friendless nerd kids solve you blindfolded all the time. I've seen it on YouTube when I get bored of skateboard accidents.
[Carlos attempts to solve the Rubik's Cube to bring Rubik back; we cut to a slide where we see Carlos' skull and the unsolved Rubik's Cube lying in the sand, while the accompanying text reads: "CARLOS NEVER SOLVED THE RUBIK'S CUBE".]
PPPrincess Peach
Mother, Father, this is my boyfriend Mario.
[Chimeb plays]
QQueen
Charmed to finally meet your acquaintance, Mari- [back away] Oh! Did a pig [bleep] out a dead fetus in here?
[sniffs] Oh-ho-ho! I beg-a your forgiveness. I come-a here through the sewer line. [chime plays] Eh?
PPPrincess Peach
Mario's a plumber.
KKing
So he commutes through human waste?
PPPrincess Peach
And he's Italian.
KKing
Oh, okay. Say no more.
[Chime plays; cut to the Royal Living Room, Mario searches for something in a sofa]
QQueen
Did you lose something, Mario?
Hey, hey! I-a found-a one! [holds up a coin]
QQueen
[chuckles] Yes, in OUR sofa.
[Mario puts the coin in his pocket]
[Cut to the Royal Dinner Room]
So I says, "Eh, paisan, toilet paper and-a paper towels - They ain't the same thing!" [laughs]
QQueen
[sarcastically] Mmm, another clogged toilet story. What a delightful compliment to our mushroom soup.
[shocked] Mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi! [sneezes, and grows bigger]
PPPrincess Peach
Remind me to bring mushrooms on our honeymoon.
I'm so sorry. I have a few allergies. [slides towards the wall, bumps into a flower, and turns into Fire Mario] Mama mia! Flowers! [starts to sneeze fireballs. One hits the drapes, and one the Queen's dress]
QQueen
Oh! My drapes! My meat drapes!
KKing
Both equally dusty.
Ay-yi-yi! [sneezes, and accidentally bumps into a Koopa shell, which bumps into three blocks]
[We then hear the Game Over music as the castle goes under]
[We see Frodo and Sam at the cracks of Mount Doom. Frodo is about to throw the One Ring into the fire]
SGSamwise Gamgee
Throw it in the fire, Mr. Frodo!
FBFrodo Baggins
No! The ring is mine, Sam! [puts the ring on his finger, which makes him invisible]
GGollum
[appears and jumps on the invisible Frodo] My precious! Give us back my precious! [starts to bite on the invisible penis, mistaken it as Frodo's finger, starts sucking it up, and spits it out] Bleh! We found hobbitses' finger, but where is my precious?
FBFrodo Baggins
[while being invisible] It's there. It's-It's just further back. [Gollums tries again, and starts choking again] It's there. Yeah, right there.
FBFrodo Baggins
You'll have to use your tongue and get it all wet. [Gollum tries again, and gags] You're almost there. Just a little more. [Gollum starts sucking it all up] Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes! The Shire!
GGollum
[spits everything out, gags, and cries] Where's precious?!
FBFrodo Baggins
[becoming visible again, and hands Gollum the ring] Here. You've earned it.
GGollum
[takes the ring] My precious! [laughs, puts on the ring, which also makes him invisible for a moment, then takes it out and drops it on the ground] Oh? [kicks the ring with his foot to Frodo] Whoopsie! If Hobbitses puts my precious on, we will have to try and takes it again, won't we?
[During Transfiguration lessons at Hogwarts]
MMcGonagall
Alright, students, spells ready? Begin. Miss Granger.
MMcGonagall
Mr. Longbottom.
NNeville
Orc-uh...Orc-uh...Orc-hoo-dious. [his arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat his face]
MMcGonagall
What happened?
His spell! He was only off by one syllable!
MMcGonagall
Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful.
[School bell rings, cut to Snape's lesson in potions class downstairs in the dungeons]
SSnape
Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands. [the students just look at him and not doing anything] Well? What are you waiting for?
We usually don't start until you insult Harry.
SSnape
Am I really that predictable? Very well. Potter, you fool!
[The students start to mix potions]
[after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]
How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?
Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes, killing him]
Professor Snape, what happened?
SSnape
He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.
He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!
This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?
SSnape
Uh...Potter, you fool?
[Cut to McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom]
MMcGonagall
Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines.
[No students are in the classroom]
SSnape
Uh...Where are all the students?
[Cut to the American school]
GGirl
Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook!
TTeacher
Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself.
[All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms]
[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]
LLumiere
[sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.
CCogsworth
Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation!
[A chamber pot appears]
DDefecacci
[butting in] Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace.
After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.
LLumiere
[pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-
DDefecacci
Then come meet your chamber pot...
Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!
DDefecacci
What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!
LLumiere
None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!
DDefecacci
Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-
LLumiere
[angrily] I said, people are EATING!
DDefecacci
[bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...
LLumiere
OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?
[Cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]
DDefecacci
Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.
BBelle
[in disgust] Does everything have to be a [bleep]ing song?!
PMr. Phillipson
[discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy [bleep]! You're a duck!
DDDella Duck
That's right, baby! Now why don't cha ruffle my tail feathers?
[Mr. Phillipson looks at della's butt]
PMr. Phillipson
Why are you, a duck?! Oh my God!
DDDella Duck
I'm what you ordered.
PMr. Phillipson
I did NOT order a duck!
DDDella Duck
I'm not sure how they could have misunderstood that request.
PMr. Phillipson
Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cell phone connection?!
DDDella Duck
[sighs] Well, fine. But you are still going to have to pay me for your time.
PMr. Phillipson
Ah, I don't know why I need to pay to not [bleep] a cartoon duck. Normally, not [bleep] a [bleep] duck is [bleep] free.
DDDella Duck
[dials her cell phone] We have a problem.
PMr. Phillipson
Who are you calling?
[Della's bodyguard bursts in]
SStedman
[in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we got some sort of problem?
PMr. Phillipson
Look, I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end...
SStedman
Just pay the duck!
PMr. Phillipson
Whoa, it's not fair! I shouldn't have to pay- [starts getting beaten up]
DDDella Duck
Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!
[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]
KKratos
I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]
AArtemis
[voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!
KKratos
Uh, one of them's a dude.
AArtemis
What's the problem? You're in Greece.
KKratos
I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE!
AArtemis
Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.
KKratos
[thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty...I could not turn that down.
AArtemis
We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.
KKratos
What? Who do you think I am?!
AArtemis
We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
KKratos
Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.
AArtemis
I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.
KKratos
Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?
AArtemis
Only as long as I need to.
