BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen." [the Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him, not "ha-ha" funny, more "stab-stab" funny.
Joker[on the microphone] Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'" [through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
RRiddler
[triumphantly] Yes!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
SSodomite
Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. [the camera shows a Joker balloon]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] And despite appearances, we became friends.
Joker
I hear you're a man who can get things.
BMBlack Manta
Well, that depends.
Joker
I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
BMBlack Manta
That may take time.
Joker
Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.
[Later at night]
[checking the name list] Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? [not responding] Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I [bleep] you not!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
[enters the Joker's empty prison cell] What the hell?!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall] Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! [in the sewer pipe] Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
Joker
[revealed, laughing] Sucker!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Joker
Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Joker
Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
[getting flushed on] Oh, God, oh, God! [crap takes him out of the sewer]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Batman crawled through a river of [bleep] 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
[The rain and music immediately stops]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]
[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]
YYeoman
Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]
[Meanwhile, all the passengers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]
Joker
Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
Joker However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
M2Man 2
Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
GGIRL
No, he said we decide.
M3Man 3
Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
CCaptain
Wait, wait...so, we vote?
WWoman
No, we...we just press a button, I think.
M4Man 4
I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
M5Man 5
Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.
[The passengers agree]
Joker
That's not a choice!
M5Man 5
Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
Joker
[sighs] I will blow up both the boats-
Joker
-unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
M5Man 5
Uh, w-what are the other options?
Joker
There are no other options.
OOld Lady
Ask him when both boats blow up.
Joker
MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
CCaptain
Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
Joker
No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
M6Man 6
You never said that!
Joker
I did, way back in the beginning.
M5Man 5
You better go over the rules again.
Joker
[clearly exasperated] Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight—
[Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board]
The Joker
[laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Beware, Gotham City, NOTHING can stop...The Joker!
[Batman immediately swoops in, giving the Joker a few kicks, and starts graphically beating him up into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]
No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!
The Joker
Then I guess that means I win! I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail! Rinse and repeat-
Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm...
[Scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]
JJudge
And with the accepted go-to by Batman... [aside glance] Thank you, Batman. [addressing the people] The court has decided on the death penalty! [bangs his gavel]
[to Joker] It's, uh, it's out of my hands.
[We cut to the electric chair where the Joker is strapped in]
CGCommissioner Gordon
Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?
The Joker
[in an almost sincere voice] I know Jesus has forgiven me.
PPolice Officer
Is that a joke?
The Joker
[sobbing] No!
PPolice officer
Here we go! [then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and the Joker starts to become violently electrocuted] That's not right. [puts on maximum power]
CGCommissioner Gordon
Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!
The Joker
[as he's still being electrocuted] [BLEEP] YOU, DORK KNIGHT!
[Everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]
[He and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]
CGCommissioner Gordon
[nervously backing away] I didn't know-I-I didn't know...
Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?
CGCommissioner Gordon
[somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips him, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off] Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon!
Robot Chicken · 315 quotes
