Harry quotes from Robot Chicken

Harry, I'm scared!

HHarry

You're always scared, you chicken [bleep]!

I can't help it! I'm a scared, pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken [bleep] virgin!

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HHarry

What are we going to do?

Let’s ask Hagrid for help.

HHarry

Don't be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.

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[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]

KKevin

When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. [we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared] Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. [back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor] Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... [in the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate] ...check. [back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands] Safe and sound. [falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose] The fire!

[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]

KKate

[crying] Oh, my baby...

HHarry

We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay?

[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]

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[During Transfiguration lessons at Hogwarts]

MMcGonagall

Alright, students, spells ready? Begin. Miss Granger.

Orchideous!

MMcGonagall

Mr. Potter.

HHarry

Orchideous!

MMcGonagall

Mr. Longbottom.

NNeville

Orc-uh...Orc-uh...Orc-hoo-dious. [his arm suddenly turns into a evil monkey who starts to eat his face]

MMcGonagall

What happened?

His spell! He was only off by one syllable!

MMcGonagall

Ah, yes. The spells "orchideous" and "orchoodious" are very similar. Do be careful.

[School bell rings, cut to Snape's lesson in potions class downstairs in the dungeons]

SSnape

Finally, add two drops of Wolfsbane extract to your potion. I hope everyone understands. [the students just look at him and not doing anything] Well? What are you waiting for?

We usually don't start until you insult Harry.

SSnape

Am I really that predictable? Very well. Potter, you fool!

[The students start to mix potions]

[after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]

How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?

Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes, killing him]

Professor Snape, what happened?

SSnape

He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.

HHarry

He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!

This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?

SSnape

Uh...Potter, you fool?

[Cut to McGonagall, Snape and Dumbledore talking in a classroom]

MMcGonagall

Well, it's understandable, we're teaching children a deadly art, after all. It's like trying to teach cats how to disarm landmines.

[No students are in the classroom]

SSnape

Uh...Where are all the students?

[Cut to the American school]

HHarry

Hey...Where's Hermione?

GGirl

Ha ha! We all called her a slut on Facebook!

TTeacher

Children, I have some sad news. Her-my-one Granger hung herself.

[All the kids starts to dance, while Harry hides his face in his arms]

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[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]

WWoman

You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.[leaves]

HHarry

[pulls out his wand] Dungus stoutus. [taps his groin region and nothing happens] Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. [taps his groin region again and nothing happens] Polius maximus. [taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air] AAAAH!! [cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H "Chosen 1" Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types "Hey, Hermione...". Hermione answers "Hey, what's up? Harry types "My dick turned into a beanstalk." Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy "@Library" G. Hermione types the answer "Stalkus minimus"] Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.

[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]

WWoman

Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. [goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling] Why do you have a vag?

[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]