BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen." [the Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him, not "ha-ha" funny, more "stab-stab" funny.
[on the microphone] Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'" [through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
RRiddler
[triumphantly] Yes!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
SSodomite
Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. [the camera shows a Joker balloon]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] And despite appearances, we became friends.
I hear you're a man who can get things.
BMBlack Manta
Well, that depends.
I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
BMBlack Manta
That may take time.
Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.
[Later at night]
BBatman
[checking the name list] Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? [not responding] Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I [bleep] you not!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
BBatman
[enters the Joker's empty prison cell] What the hell?!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
BBatman
[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall] Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! [in the sewer pipe] Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
[revealed, laughing] Sucker!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
BBatman
Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
BBatman
[getting flushed on] Oh, God, oh, God! [crap takes him out of the sewer]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Batman crawled through a river of [bleep] 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
[The rain and music immediately stops]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]
BBatman
I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
TFTwo-Face
Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! [flips coin, it comes up tails] Huh, death! [Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer] AAAAHHHHH!!!
BBatman
I'm sorry, Harvey.
TFTwo-Face
Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. [turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face] Three-Face! [pulls out a three-sided die] This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. [rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two] Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! [lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]
BBatman
Watch out for that bleach!
TFThree-Face
[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face] AAAAHHHHH!!!
BBatman
[meets Three-Face on top of a roof] Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.
TFThree-Face
Call me by my real name. [turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face] Four-face! [pulls out four straws] I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
BBatman
Alright Four-face I'll play your game! [hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]
[Cut to the diner where Four-Face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasant meal, Four-Face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup]
FFFour-Face
Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
BBatman
Hmm...The soup's not bad either.
FFFour-face
Oh yeah, can I try some? [grabs for Batman's soup]
BBatman
[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face] WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!
FFFour-Face
[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact] AAAAHHHHH!!!
[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]
BBoys
[singing] Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its-
[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]
DDougie
[surprised] Batman?!
[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]
BBatman
Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot.
RRobin
[sarcastically] Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem.
BBatman
[sniffs under his armpits] Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? [grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard] I can't hear you. [throws Dougie back to his friends]
DDougie
[starting to cry] I want my mommy!
BBatman
Yeah, me too. [high-fives with Robin]
RRobin
[steps forward] I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. [suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks] You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any [bleep]ing eggs in there?! [lets Dougie go]
BBoy
We gotta go! Run! Get out of here!
[The three boys start to run down the street]
RRobin
They're getting away, Batman!
BBatman
Not on my watch. [presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over] The rats are scattering.
RRobin
[pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it] Holy, these mother[bleep]ers aren't going anywhere! [throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]
[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]
BBoy
[desperately] Sorry!
RRobin
You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry!
[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]
MTMusic Teacher
And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep]ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top.
[laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Beware, Gotham City, NOTHING can stop...The Joker!
[Batman immediately swoops in, giving the Joker a few kicks, and starts graphically beating him up into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]
BBatman
No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!
Then I guess that means I win! I go to jail, escape, kill people, go to jail! Rinse and repeat-
BBatman
Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm...
[Scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]
JJudge
And with the accepted go-to by Batman... [aside glance] Thank you, Batman. [addressing the people] The court has decided on the death penalty! [bangs his gavel]
BBatman
[to Joker] It's, uh, it's out of my hands.
[We cut to the electric chair where the Joker is strapped in]
CGCommissioner Gordon
Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?
[in an almost sincere voice] I know Jesus has forgiven me.
PPolice Officer
Is that a joke?
PPolice officer
Here we go! [then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and the Joker starts to become violently electrocuted] That's not right. [puts on maximum power]
CGCommissioner Gordon
Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!
[as he's still being electrocuted] [BLEEP] YOU, DORK KNIGHT!
[Everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]
[He and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]
CGCommissioner Gordon
[nervously backing away] I didn't know-I-I didn't know...
BBatman
Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?
CGCommissioner Gordon
[somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips him, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off] Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon! Go, Gordon!
Robot Chicken · 315 quotes
