A character in Robot Chicken
Tied for 4th most-quoted character in Robot Chicken: in 5 of its 315 quotes
[to his computer] Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I [starts falling asleep] love you more than-any-individual-family member.
[to three guys in lava pool] That'll teach you to vote for Nader! [all of the sudden, hell freezes over] What the hell?!
[In a bedroom...]
[in a singsong voice] I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!
What can I say? Nerds are hot.
[still singing] Gettin' on a message board, gonna tell the internet! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! [hangs from the ceiling] Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!
Mmm, hot.
[holding a unicorn book] Man I wish unicorns where real. That will be so cool. [yawns] So, cool. [falls asleep, then a unicorn comes to the widow and neighs. He wakes up, rubbing his eyes, then peers out his room] Oh my gosh, they do exist!
Come with me! Let's have fun adventures together!
You don't have to ask twice! [riding on the unicorn] Woo-hoo-hooo! Wheee! It's everything I've ever dreamed!
[The Unicorn stops, the Nerd flies of his back and laughs]
In the magical land of unicorns, there's no need for clothing!
Whatever you say! [begins pulling of his shirt]
No, no, no! Take it off slowly. [the Nerd takes his shirt off slowly] Yes, that pleases me. [grabs the Nerd's pants and throws them on the ground. The Nerd laughs] Polish my magical unicorn horn!
Okay! [does so]
Oh, yeahee! Oh.
[Cut to the school cafeteria]
And then what happened?
If you polish his unicorn horn long enough, it gives you magical unicorn mayonnaise! Which I used to make these sandwiches!
[His friend gags]
You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey-Ow! Ow! What's goin' on?! Why are you touching-?!
Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My-argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing?! No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]
[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]
Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? [the students pause, then continue to play with their phones] Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]
But...what about the leaves? [sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl"] Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun no Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... [imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself] Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]
That will be $68.50... [the Nerd flashes him] By which I mean free!
What wonderful powers! Hee hee! [seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft] Hmmm...any tombs you'd like to raid? [as Elektra Natchios] The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. [as Tifa Lockhart] This may be your final fantasy. [as Catwoman] How about a look at these jewels, Batman? [is seen wandering through the girls' shower] La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
Oh...let us help you!
That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! [moans]
Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
Hey, yeah!
[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]
Eww! [start beating up the Nerd]
Gross!
Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. [The red-haired girl jumps on him] Whoopee! [the scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring] Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! [jumps into the spring] Splash, splash, splash! [hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]
And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago.
Was she hot?
The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
[shocked] Oh, no!
[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a "Team Awesome" shirt]
Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. [before he can speak, the Nerd farts] Eww!
Dang it. [farts a few more times]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Robot Chicken pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Robot Chicken · 315 quotes
