[In the McAllister household, Kevin places the BBQ starter onto the doorknob of the front door to make it scalding hot on the other side]
KKevin
When those robbers try to break in, they'll be in for a nasty surprise. [we cut to his room where he unfolds his map of traps to check if anything is prepared] Nails on basement stairs...check. Iron attached to string...check. [back downstairs, he looks over the broken ornaments and toys he's cunningly placed on the floor] Trucks, ornaments...check. Paint cans... [in the upstairs hall, he checks the rope connected to the paint cans and releases it, making it vibrate] ...check. [back in his room, he's in bed, preparing to go to sleep as he puts the map on his bedside table before wiping his hands] Safe and sound. [falls straight asleep. Outside the room, the BBQ starter that is connected to the door knob starts burning, causing a fire to start. The smoke spreads into his's room, which makes him start coughing sharply. He then wakes with a cough, realizes what's happening, and puts his hands to his cheeks in the scared but classic Home Alone pose] The fire!
[Still coughing and blinded by the smoke, Kevin walks to the stairs, forgetting about the trip wire at the top. He bumps into it, causes the paint can to smack him in the head, and is sent violently bouncing and screaming down the stairs, hitting his bottom and his head, which breaks several bones to cause pain, with each bounce. Flying into the wall at the bottom, Kevin attempts to recover, but instead falls dizzily face first into the objects he placed on the floor, cutting his face. Still screaming, he does the pose again, goes to open the front door, and severely burns both of his hands on the knob; then he puts his hands to his cheeks again, only to find that because of the big burn, his hands are now melded to his face. Now in agony, Kevin runs to the basement and begins to walk down the stairs, but stabs the nail he placed there through his foot, making it bleed. Now crying, Kevin tumbles down the stairs and tries to turn on the light; however, this is the light he connected to the iron above. The iron falls on Kevin's head, making him stop screaming once and for all. We then cut to outside as the house burns in the background, and The Wet Bandits, Marv and Harry, and Kevin's parents, Peter and Kate, simply watch as his body is taken away by some paramedics into an ambulance]
KKate
[crying] Oh, my baby...
We were just driving by when we saw the flames. Is that kid gonna be okay?
[The sheet is pulled back to reveal his burned and stabbed face with his hands still glued to it, which makes Kate scream and do the Home Alone pose as well]
[On a street, at Christmas time as snow falls with a Santa ringing a bell for charity in the background, three young boys sing a holiday favorite...]
BBoys
[singing] Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its-
[One of the boys, Dougie, turns and bumps into someone...it's the Caped Crusader himself alongside his partner Robin]
DDougie
[surprised] Batman?!
[Santa turns, sees the duo and flees in a panic]
Keep singing boys, we were learning a lot.
RRobin
[sarcastically] Yeah, I never knew Batman had an odor problem.
[sniffs under his armpits] Hmm...weird, I don't smell anything. Do you Dougie? [grabs Dougie's head and stuffs the boy's face into his armpit. Dougie's muffled screams can be heard] I can't hear you. [throws Dougie back to his friends]
DDougie
[starting to cry] I want my mommy!
Yeah, me too. [high-fives with Robin]
RRobin
[steps forward] I may be named after a bird, but that doesn't mean I'm dropping eggs. [suddenly grabs Dougie's head and starts slamming it into his ass-cheeks] You wanna check these for some eggs?! Huh, you see any [bleep]ing eggs in there?! [lets Dougie go]
BBoy
We gotta go! Run! Get out of here!
[The three boys start to run down the street]
RRobin
They're getting away, Batman!
Not on my watch. [presses a button on his glove. Suddenly, as the three boys run for it the Batmobile arrives and runs them all over] The rats are scattering.
RRobin
[pulling out his Bolo Whip and swings it] Holy, these mother[bleep]ers aren't going anywhere! [throws the Bolo Whip which wraps round one of the boys feet, tripping him up and causing him to land on his face, causing gruesome injuries]
[Batman then throws a Batarang, which lodges itself firmly in Dougie's back causing him to fall. As the boy struggles for life, Batman walks over and throws a few more in his back and a final one in his head, finishing him off. As the final boy climbs onto the kerb, Robin walks up]
BBoy
[desperately] Sorry!
RRobin
You can tell your dentist "I'M" sorry!
[Robin raises his leg and kerb-stomps the boy...and as he does, we cut to reality, as a music teacher is telling this story to one of the young boys in his class as his horrified classmates listen on]
MTMusic Teacher
And the police didn't even investigate the children's disappearance because Batman is above the law. But please Troy, keep singing your hilarious version of "Jingle Bells" and [bleep]ing up my Christmas program. No? All right then, from the top.
[Kyle is busy putting plastic propellers on biplane toys. His first thought is cocking his rifle. His second thought his blasting one of the elves with his rifle. And his last thought is stabbing Santa in the stomach. Then one of the elves appeared next to him as his thoughts vanished]
[to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break?
Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...?
[in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?
BSBilly's Dad
Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.
Does he always live in the North Pole?
BSBilly's Dad
Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Wow! Tell me more about Santa!
BSBilly's Dad
Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.
[Cut to Santa at the studio]
[recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?
BSBilly's Dad
Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
BSBilly's Dad
He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]
Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.
[As Billy's dad closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]
BSBilly's Dad
[memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.
[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]
The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.
B1Boy 1
Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.
B2Boy 2
Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.
[flies down] Kids! Kids! Take it easy.
BBoys
[surprised] Superman!
It's not important who's fastest.
B1Boy 1
Spoken like a true puss.
[insulted] What did you [bleep]ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little [bleep]ing turd?! [knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand] You come at me! You come at me like a [bleep]ing man! [smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]
B2Boy 2
[laughing] I've got to blog about the [bleep] that just went down right here!
[At the North Pole]
Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? [laughs]
So, who is the fastest, Santa?
[laughs] That's not important.
[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth] We doing this, blue balls?!
You got that right, Saint Dick! [cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world] Hey! No fair using reindeer!
[sarcastically] Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you [bleep]ing alien!
[The boy shoots a gun where Superman and Santa race. And after hours, Santa and Superman are then seen racing over the finish line at the exact same time, surprising everyone]
ESElf Spectator
It's a tie!
B2Boy 2
What a complete and total waste of everybody's time!
Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.
[The Flash speeds off]
[laughs] Sorry we took so long, folks.
Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. [opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]
Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently!
Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.
[Everyone cheered]
I think they're buying it. Bump it.
[fist bumps with Superman] Anticipated.
LLLex Luthor
[waking up] What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and-
Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor?! Not on my watch!
LLLex Luthor
[confused] What? Weaponiz-
[Santa Claus slams the door in Lex Luthor's face before the two high five and smile at the camera. During the credits, Santa and Superman are seen doing what they really did when they had the race]
MSMatthew Senreich
[during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [is shot down]
DGDaniel/Gyro-Robo
I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!
CFCarl Fredricksen
[in the window] SO LONG, ASSHOLES! [Carl's house is going up but falls when the police die the house falls down to the ground] I won't last 10 days in prison.
DDoctor
Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.
[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing "American Pie", the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]
AAnnouncer
And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.
JJon
Garfield, we have some bad news.
GGarfield
Oh, someone got A case of the mondays?
JJon
You have Type-2 Diabetes.
TTarzan
Tarzan love Jane.
TTarzan
But, Tarzan not in love with Jane.
DDoug
So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?
MMan
We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA.
[A shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]
GGirl
[gasps] A Teddy Ruxpin! He can play any tape and he moves his mouth along with the words! [gasps again] Thanks, Uncle Gallagher!
GGallagher
Let’s try it out. I've got a copy of my stand up special "Melon Crazy". [Teddy comes to life and runs from him. Jumping the coffee table. Turning at the painting of a melon dodging him again who crashes into the stand. Teddy then is seen running towards the fireplace before dodging his melon hammer. Teddy lands on the coffee table breaking the glass this time. He catches Teddy and slams him against the wall. He pulls the tape from his pocket allowing Teddy to fall to the floor. He tries to force the tape into Teddy but Teddy deflects every jab. Teddy finally kicks the tape away. Both he and Teddy jump for the tape but it gets knocked away. Teddy finally gets a cyanide capsule and bites it] NO! He's got a cyanide capsule. [Teddy starts foaming at the mouth] Don't you bite down, you son of a bitch! You're gonna play my tape. [Teddy dies] He's, uh, he's gone. Ah, we'll have to listen to it in the living room. [the girl gasps and pulls out a cyanide capsule and tries to bite it, but he stops her] NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[At the Krusty Krab]
SSpongeBob
[burst the kitchen door open] Krabby Patties are made out of [Bleep]ing CRABS!!!
[The customers gasped; the green fish retches, spits]
KMr. Krabs
[nervous chuckle] Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.
SSpongeBob
Then explain, this! [holds out box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor, but this is his tattoo! [holds out a crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]
KMr. Krabs
[grabs him] You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!
SSpongeBob
And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are SQUID!!! [Squidward vomits] And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!!!
[The yellow fish pushes bowl out of reach; the angry customers got up and cornered Mr. Krabs]
GFGreen Fish
You fed us to us!
OFOrange Fish
[points at Mr. Krabs] We gotta pay you to kill us?!
SSpongeBob
You're disgusting!
KMr. Krabs
No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended!
[The customers beat up Mr. Krabs; camera pans away to SpongeBob]
SSpongeBob
[sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.
[At the hospital, an extrememly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side]
NNurse
Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. [begins scrubbing with a sponge]
SSpongeBob
[pushes scene aside] I SAID NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE!
NNurse
Ugh, hope that's pudding in there...
EErnest
[opens the windows and sniffs the air] Ahh, wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and... [suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger] Oh, and how I lived to see this day. [pulls out a horn and blows it]
[The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor]
KEKeebler Elf 1
[nervously] Are you sure, Ernest?
EErnest
Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.
CMCookie Monster
[off-screen] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp again before he popped out of the bushes] COOKIE!!!
[Some of the soldiers screamed in terror]
EErnest
Hold! [the soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers] Hold! [the soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers] Hold! [runs off, but bumped into one of the elves] I owed him overtime.
KEKeebler Elf 2
Bu-Bu-But you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.
CMCookie Monster
[chases them both] Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! [Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times] Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!
KEKeebler Elf 3
I didn't sign up for this, I just wanted to make cookies!
KEKeebler Elf 4
I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!
CMCookie Monster
[crashes through the door] COOKIE!!!! [grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, and he screams. The elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]
KEKeebler Elf 5
Now, give the monster what he wants!
KEKeebler Elf 6
Diabetes?
KEKeebler Elf 5
Good comment on modern culture, but no. Cookies!
[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]
KEKeebler Elf 7
Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit! [Buckets laughs] Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [chuckles] Fudge.
CMCookie Monster
[through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...
[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheered with joy. Then we cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing]
CMCookie Monster's mommy
[crying] They didn't know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.
LLawyer
It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!
JBJudge Brown
Order please! Order! The court fines in favor of Keebler Incorporated. [to Cookie Monster's mommy] I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
CMCookie Monster's mommy
[shocked] Me son is dead and you make pun?! ME KILL YOU! ME [BLEEP]ING KILL YOU!! [eats Judge Brown's head, killing him]
[Two police officers step in and shoot her to death]
