Santa Claus quotes from Robot Chicken

Santa Claus

[pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!

Where's the bunny?! [cut to him sword-fighting, then cut to him sitting in a car] Wiggle your big toe. Great. I am Jesus, you know.

Santa Claus

Yashi mana!

Hyah!

Oy!

Five-fingered palm of death! [attempts the move, and the Bunny lays a giant pile of eggs; to the camera] Let me try that again.

[surprised] Thanks!

It's what I do. [then cuts her in half]

You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?

For a second there, yeah, I kind of did.

Merry Christmas, everyone! As is our tradition, NORAD is tracking Santa Claus' journey down the North Atlantic towards New England on his yearly rounds to give presents to all the boys and girls. [the reporters chuckled] He hasn't responded to our request for a cargo list and passenger manifest. So, as per current security regs, we're ordering him to divert to Canada.

Santa Claus

Ho, ho, ho, boys! Merry Christmas! [the Air Force pilot points his finger down, gesturing] Yes, presents down the chimneys, that's what I'm doing.

Target-Niner degrees.

Santa Claus

Oh! Captain Miller's a bad boy! [opens Charlton Heston's present to reveal a bazooka] Sorry, Charlie, I'll make it up to you next year. [fires the bazooka at one of the pilots, destroying the jet. But one of them shoots another missile at him] [Bleep]! [getting blasted by a missile]

[reads it, then looks up] Mission accomplished, gentlemen. The system works.

Santa Claus

[having fun with girls] Whoooooo! I love Office Christmas Parties!

Ha ha ha! Oh, Dave is a riot at these things!

But, I'm Dave.

But then, who's-

[appears before Santa] Dude, we are falling way behind! Let's get outta here!

I suppose your presence here means I made the naughty list.

Santa Claus

We don't mind a little mischief, Jaden. But flashing your wee-wee at the maid. That's one step too far.

And where is my mother? [Santa stares at him; looks depressed] Hmm, I see. And how did she die?

Santa Claus

Not well.

She made you work for it, did she? [opens a desk drawer where a small gun is seen] You'll find I'm not so easy. [points the gun at Santa. He attempts to shoot, but there are no bullets] They say the second one is always-

Santa Claus

Considerably.

[to Santa] Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?

Santa Claus

[gasps, then gives the elf some money] Go get her a mug from the stationary store.

The reward for Thor's good deeds; a shiny bicycle.

[sees a lump a coal from his stocking] Augh! A lump of coal?!

[laughs] I love my son Thor and not my son Loki. And Santa agrees. [grabs his goblet] Ha ha! My parenting is most inequitable.

[on his bicycle] I am off to the rainbow bridge to offer rides to the shirtless muscular warriors who there congregate. [rides off]

Ah, next Christmas, victory shall belong to Loki, God of Mischief. [laughs evilly. He is seen at the store as he puts on the fake Thor helmet with a blond wig; chuckles as he grabs a soda] I'm Thor, and I'm very thirsty! [gulping] Ahhh! [the sign behind him says "NO REFILLS"] No one minds if I get another. [gets another refill. He is next seen, humming as he urinates two guys in the bathroom, much to their disgust] I'm Thor. I got great aim 'cause I'm the God of Thunder.

Hold the door!

[holding the doors open] Oh, don't worry, I got it. Hi, nice to meet you. Thor, God of Thunder. By the way, eat this! [shoots the lady dead with his gun] Ha ha!

[spits] By my own beard! Is it Christmas Day or opposite day?! [looks at the calendar] Nay, it "is" Christmas day!

I have been good! I have! Santa Claus shall taste the Thunder God's wrath! [flies to the North Pole]

Santa Claus

[sees the elves' dead bodies on the floor] Good God!

[appears behind the door] But not good enough for ye, eh?! Have at thee! [begins attacking Santa by whacking him with his hammer called Mjollnir. He was about to hit the stomach, but Santa gained upper hand, attacking him with his candy cane. He shoots candy canes at Thor, who blocks them with his Mjollnir. Mrs. Claus runs around screaming. Thor swings at Santa, who dodges and pushes him onto the table. Santa is about to hit him, but Thor gained upper hand by smashing Santa onto the table a few times, before knocking him down on the floor. He is about to finish him off, but he swung his Mjollnir backwards and accidentally hit and killed Mrs. Claus who kept running and screaming, much to his surprise. He pulled his Mjollnir out of her smashed and blooded face, and noticed the fake Santa's naughty list on the floor; picks the list up and reads it] Thor did none of this! Why would a Thunder God refill his soda even after his thirst was slaked? Or urinate hither and yon? Or murder an old woman? [pause as he sees Mrs. Claus' dead body] Well, I dideth, not the other two! I smell my brother's deceitful hand in this. [picks up Santa] Rise, noble Claus. Thou was fooled as was I. Loki's villainy must be revealed. [grabs is Mjollnir, takes Santa, and flies back to Asgard]

Whoo! I'm Thor as hell!

Santa Claus

He's a madman! Stop him!

Fear not, Santa Claus. You yourself shall make Loki pay, a year hence when you bring him a lump of coal on Christmas Day. [to the camera] Merry Christmas, everyone!

God of Thunder! [shoots bullets in the air]

Shh.

Awww!

[picks up the dynamite, which is also going off] That's weird.

Santa Claus

Okay, I delivered all the bombs! Now please, don't hurt my family.

And the Jews? Are the Jews dead too?

Santa Claus

But...Jews don't even have Christmas!

Then you have failed!

Santa Claus

Noooo!

Don't forget about terrorism this Christmas. A message from the Department of Ho-Ho-Homeland Security.

How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!

Help me!

Santa Claus

Huh? Put her down, boys. [they landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well] Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?!

[from the well] I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!

Santa Claus

Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!

Not on my watch! [starts peeing down the well]

Santa

What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!

I saw it on Man vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!

This rain tastes like oats.

Santa Claus

[gets off his cell phone] The fire department's on its way.

There's no time!

Santa Claus

Comet! No! [Comet soars in the air and dives into the well] Comet?!

Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.

We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.

Just throw down a grenade!

Santa Claus

What?!

Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!

Your deer don't know [bleep] about grenades, does he?

Santa Claus

He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know [bleep] about [bleep], quite frankly.

So, listen, [the two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well] thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.

Santa Claus

[shocked] Oh, my God! [the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint] Comet?! Little boy?!

Thank you, Comet! You saved me!

Aw, ain't know thing.

Santa Claus

Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-

I love you, Mr. Comet!

I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!

Santa Claus

[leaves] That still freaks me out.

[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair] Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.

Santa Claus

[gets on Comet's back] Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.

Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!

Santa Claus

[sighs] Fine, fine. Whatever.

Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! [soars off with Santa] Yeah! [towards the camera] And away we go!

So, to sum up, we basically co-opted Santa Claus and made him synonymous with Coca-Cola.

I have to say, it's a breeze signing endorsement deals with fictional characters!

Are we sure we don't wanna replace him with Britney Spears?

Santa Claus

Ho ho ho. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please, no need to get up.

Uh, who are you?

Santa Claus

Why, I'm Santa Claus. I was just flying by and heard everyone having a good laugh in here. Please, someone tell me what was so funny. [points to the executive 3 times] Make. Me. Laugh. [beat] Well, allow me to repeat a joke my lawyers told me the other day. It involved a large multi-national corporation that's been using my likeness without permission or compensation. Ho ho ho! Isn't that hilarious?!

N-Now, you listen here! Santa Claus doesn't exist! We all know that!

Santa Claus

Now, why would you say that, Larry? Is it because I didn't give you the Louisville Slugger you asked for when you were 9? [pulls out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat from his coat]

How did you know that?

Santa Claus

I know a lot of things, Larry. I know that you've been on my naughty list since '72. I know that your company has been using my image to promote your product since 1931. [takes off his coat] And I know I've never seen a dime, and you know what that means, Larry?! [whispers] I know you're a [bleep]ing thief! [attempts to whack Larry with the baseball bat, but he gets up on the table where he swings a Coke bottle at Santa. Santa Claus hits him twice with the baseball bat. He gets him off the table where he decapitates Larry with two swings to the head. A woman executive smashes a Coca-Cola picture over Santa's head before he kicks her away. Santa grabs another executive and shoves his head into a Coke cooler. He is seen with two Coke bottles sticking out of his eyes. Santa punches him in the stomach which makes him puke Coke. Santa opens a door where a hungry polar bear grabs another executive and eats him. The head executive attempts to swing at Santa, but he gets the bat and decapitates the head executive 7 times with it; puts his coat back on] I'll expect my check in the mail. [moves the door which reveals three more scared executives who gasped] You [bleep]ers can spell North Pole, can't ya? Oh, and about that talk of replacing me with Britney Spears... [pulls out Britney Spear's severed head from his bag] Think again. Ho ho ho! [smiles at the executives]

Billy

[in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?

Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.

Billy

Does he always live in the North Pole?

Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.

Billy

Wow! Tell me more about Santa!

Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.

Santa Claus

[recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.

Billy

He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?

Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.

Billy

Santa's the coolest!

He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]

Billy

Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.

[memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.

The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.

Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.

Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.

What earthquake?

Exactly, bitch!

[flies down] Kids! Kids! Take it easy.

[surprised] Superman!

It's not important who's fastest.

Spoken like a true puss.

[insulted] What did you [bleep]ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little [bleep]ing turd?! [knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand] You come at me! You come at me like a [bleep]ing man! [smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]

[laughing] I've got to blog about the [bleep] that just went down right here!

Santa Claus

Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? [laughs]

So, who is the fastest, Santa?

Santa Claus

[laughs] That's not important.

Spoken like a true puss.

Santa Claus

[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth] We doing this, blue balls?!

You got that right, Saint Dick! [cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world] Hey! No fair using reindeer!

Santa Claus

[sarcastically] Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you [bleep]ing alien!

It's a tie!

What a complete and total waste of everybody's time!

Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.

Booo!!!

[laughs] Sorry we took so long, folks.

Santa Claus

Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. [opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]

Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently!

Santa Claus

Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.

I think they're buying it. Bump it.

Santa Claus

[fist bumps with Superman] Anticipated.

Up up and away.

[waking up] What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and-

Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor?! Not on my watch!

[confused] What? Weaponiz-

Santa Claus

[realizing that he overslept] JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! [gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys] PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a [bleeping]ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! [an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned] Pack your [bleep] and get out. [gets into the sleigh with an elf] HYAH! [takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting] Holy, LET'S DO THIS!

Santa remembered me! [a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]

Oh, wait a minute!

Santa Claus

BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I [bleep]ing rule! Santa Dance! [starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left] Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna [bleep] me! Santa's the one doing the [bleep]ing tonight! [in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked] Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!

[off-screen] UHHHGH! GET OFF ME! [we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly] SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! [then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting] I HATE Christmas! [the elves gasp] You heard me!

Welcome back to the "Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love".

I love you all! [the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in] This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. [Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts] [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Santa joins in] [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep] / I see those presents that you brought me!

[Bleep] them!

I see that ribbon in your hair!

I'll choke ya with it!

The Christmas card up on the mantel!

It's a photo of my dick!

And all the stockings hung with care!!

They're filled with my [bleep]!

[Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]-[Bleep] Christmas!! [slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves] Yeah! Oh yeah!

We never had this problem with David Cassidy.

Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a [bleep]ing artist!

Santa Claus

Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. [hands a present to Jason] Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. [gags with blood and dies]

[opens his present] Parcheesi!