[The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky]
How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass!
[The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help]
Help me!
Huh? Put her down, boys. [they landed the sleigh before he, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy, who is unseen, is trapped in the well] Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt?!
[from the well] I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants!
Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him!
Not on my watch! [starts peeing down the well]
What are you-? Comet! Stop peeing on that child!
I saw it on Man vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want!
This rain tastes like oats.
[Clock transition with the sound of jingle bells]
[gets off his cell phone] The fire department's on its way.
There's no time!
Comet! No! [Comet soars in the air and dives into the well] Comet?!
Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there.
[Santa facepalms himself. Another clock transition with the sound of a siren. The fire department and the police arrive]
We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now.
Just throw down a grenade!
What?!
Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface!
Your deer don't know [bleep] about grenades, does he?
He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know [bleep] about [bleep], quite frankly.
So, listen, [the two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well] thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field.
[The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness]
[shocked] Oh, my God! [the explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint] Comet?! Little boy?!
[Fade to Comet, Santa and the little boy, who is now seen, in a cast and bandages in a hospital room]
Thank you, Comet! You saved me!
Aw, ain't know thing.
Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf-
I love you, Mr. Comet!
I love you too, Mr. Little Boy!
[Comet and the little boy both hug]
[leaves] That still freaks me out.
[follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair] Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright.
[Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital]
[gets on Comet's back] Take us back to the North Pole! And-And don't say the line.
Oh, I gotta say the line! Please?! Please?!
[sighs] Fine, fine. Whatever.
Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! [soars off with Santa] Yeah! [towards the camera] And away we go!
[Christmas Special ends]
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