Elf quotes from Robot Chicken

[to Santa] Did you remember to get Mrs. Claus something?

Santa Claus

[gasps, then gives the elf some money] Go get her a mug from the stationary store.

[to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Have any plans for the holiday break?

[pause] Yes.

Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...?

Santa's so fast, he delivers presents to the whole wide world in one night.

Superman is faster! He circled the planet and made us all forget about that earthquake that killed Lois Lane.

What earthquake?

Exactly, bitch!

[flies down] Kids! Kids! Take it easy.

[surprised] Superman!

It's not important who's fastest.

Spoken like a true puss.

[insulted] What did you [bleep]ing say?! I would whip Santa's fat ass! Is that what you wanna hear, you little [bleep]ing turd?! [knocks the boy's coffee mug out of his hand] You come at me! You come at me like a [bleep]ing man! [smacks the boy's head and flies up into the air]

[laughing] I've got to blog about the [bleep] that just went down right here!

Santa Claus

Ol' Supes thinks he's the fastest, aye? [laughs]

So, who is the fastest, Santa?

Santa Claus

[laughs] That's not important.

Spoken like a true puss.

Santa Claus

[insulted, knocks the elf's Coke bottle out of his hand before meeting Superman at the top of the Earth] We doing this, blue balls?!

You got that right, Saint Dick! [cut to him and Santa, ready to race around the world] Hey! No fair using reindeer!

Santa Claus

[sarcastically] Oh, okay. No fair using our yellow sun then, you [bleep]ing alien!

It's a tie!

What a complete and total waste of everybody's time!

Well, even a tie has some entertainment value.

Booo!!!

[laughs] Sorry we took so long, folks.

Santa Claus

Ho ho ho! We ran into a few race hazards. [opens the door of his sleigh, revealing Lex Luthor, who is beaten up]

Lex Luthor, here, tried to decue us both permanently!

Santa Claus

Luckily, we stopped him, but only by working together.

I think they're buying it. Bump it.

Santa Claus

[fist bumps with Superman] Anticipated.

Up up and away.

[waking up] What? Where am I? I was at my mother's doing laundry and-

Weaponizing anthrax, Luthor?! Not on my watch!

[confused] What? Weaponiz-

[opens the windows and sniffs the air] Ahh, wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and... [suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger] Oh, and how I lived to see this day. [pulls out a horn and blows it]

[nervously] Are you sure, Ernest?

Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.

[off-screen] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp] Cooookiiiiie... [the soldiers gasp again before he popped out of the bushes] COOKIE!!!

Hold! [the soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers] Hold! [the soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers] Hold! [runs off, but bumped into one of the elves] I owed him overtime.

Bu-Bu-But you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.

[chases them both] Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! [Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times] Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!

I didn't sign up for this, I just wanted to make cookies!

I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!

[crashes through the door] COOKIE!!!! [grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, and he screams. The elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]

Now, give the monster what he wants!

Diabetes?

Good comment on modern culture, but no. Cookies!

Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit! [Buckets laughs] Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [chuckles] Fudge.

[through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...

[crying] They didn't know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.

It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!

Order please! Order! The court fines in favor of Keebler Incorporated. [to Cookie Monster's mommy] I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

[shocked] Me son is dead and you make pun?! ME KILL YOU! ME [BLEEP]ING KILL YOU!! [eats Judge Brown's head, killing him]

Santa Claus

[realizing that he overslept] JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! [gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys] PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a [bleeping]ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! [an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned] Pack your [bleep] and get out. [gets into the sleigh with an elf] HYAH! [takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting] Holy, LET'S DO THIS!

Santa remembered me! [a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]

Oh, wait a minute!

Santa Claus

BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I [bleep]ing rule! Santa Dance! [starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left] Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna [bleep] me! Santa's the one doing the [bleep]ing tonight! [in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked] Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!

[off-screen] UHHHGH! GET OFF ME! [we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly] SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! [then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting] I HATE Christmas! [the elves gasp] You heard me!