A character in Robot Chicken
Narrator
Robot Chicken · 315 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Robot Chicken: in 12 of its 315 quotes
Harold had dreamed of this moment a thousand times. Harold then drew himself a new father. This dad never yelled and had a three-year chip from AA. He was also good at lifting things. Harold and his new father sailed away to a bright new tomorrow. Harold's mother filed a missing-person report, but she never saw her son again. She hanged herself a year later. The rope was purple.
The year is 1966 and Walt Disney is dead! [scene cuts to Disney's dead body] The beloved cartoonist, moviemaker, and hero to the American Family, left specific instructions to be carried out upon his death.
Okay, do it.
[The doctor decapitating Walt's head with a chainsaw]
Did he really say this should be done with a chainsaw?
[punches the man] Never question him!
The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day!
[The scientists finished a robotic experiment with Walt Disney's head]
Did it work?
[waking up] I...hunger.
Bring in the first Cuban Child! [scientists bringing the Cuban boy, who is scared] Walt Disney must feed!
Yes. Yes!
[crying and scared] Ayúdame! Ayúdame!
YES!!!
[The scene cuts to outside the Matterhorn as the child screaming in agony was heard. Years later at Orlando, Florida]
As the years went by, Disney's power would grow. He demanded a Disney park be built in Florida so he could be closer to his Cuban food supply.
[We cut to the janitor cleaning the floors while whistling. Then he heard the noise and noticed the robotic Disney walking along the corridors, eating the Cuban child. The janitor freezes in terror]
Sir, I need your approval on these extension plans.
BUSY, EATING!!!
[walks toward the janitor in a threatening way] You didn't see anything, you got that?!
God, help me!
[The guard kicks Janitor in the crotch as he screams in pain]
Walt Disney's lust for the flesh of Cuban children, was kept under control, until one fateful day...
[Fade to the living room where the robotic Walt Disney and the guards are watching the news on TV]
The long journey of Elián González has finally come to a close. After being taken by Federal Agents from his temporary home in Miami, Little Elián has been reunited with his family in Cuba.
[reacts, negatively] Elián? ELIÁN?!
[Disney grows into a giant crushing his Secretary and Guard and destroying the park]
ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!! [rushes toward Cuba]
[Cuban Soldiers are alerted]
Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!
[Disney destroys soldier flying war planes. As he reached Cuba, all the Cuban People screamed in terror]
ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!!!!!!!! [shoots lasers on Cuban homes]
[walking towards Disney] Here I am!
Elián?
If it will stop devastation...on my beloved Cuban people, I will sacrifice myself to you.
[Disney walks menacingly to take Gonzalez]
[pushes Elián aside] Die, American beast!!! [shoots Walt Disney in forehead and dies]
[Cuban people cheer]
We must always remember the sacrifices made today by the brave Cuban soldiers, whose deaths will not be known outside of Cuba thanks to the American embargo.
[annoyed, shoots him dead; record scratch heard in the background] I love doing that!
[At the Surreal Life House]
Welcome to the Surreal Life.
[The scene hows Eric Estrada and Vanilla Ice are both stirring the mix in the bowls, and Ron Jeremy tastes one of them with his hand, much to their disgust]
[dancing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe] Come on, come on. Get down. [they hug]
[Then shows Trishelle Cannatella relaxing on the chair as Corey Feldman dancing around the room]
Let's take a look at what the Surreal Life Gang has been up to recently.
[to the interviewer] We were really excited to participate in the Iditarod dogsled race, [shows the Surreal Life Gang riding on the dog sled] till one of the dogs fell in love with Manny Moe.
[Shows the Husky dog playing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe, who tried to run away]
Let's see what's in the store for our Surreal Life folks today.
We have to take the One Ring and destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom.
Ooohhh!
[At the snow mountains called Caradhras, the Surreal Life Gang heard footsteps]
Wait, something's coming!
[The Orcs appeared on their horseback. The Surreal Life Gang runs away, but one of the Orcs cut off Trishelle's head. M.C. Hammer screams and runs away as the Orcs passed by. We cut to Fangorn Forest where the Surreal Life Gang is fighting off the Orcs. Eric shoots arrows at the Orcs and the bird up in the sky as well]
[dressed as the Hobbit] There's no way I'm doin' this! Somebody get me a cab, 'cause I'm goin'- [gets shot through his neck by the arrow and dies]
[Ron defeated the Orcs with the axe. Then he sees another Orc on the horseback. He tosses the axe away and takes out the long censored board. They charged at each other and Ron knocks down the Orc dead]
[as Sméagol] We must helps them! They's our friends! [as Gollum] They hates Manny Moe! [as Sméagol] No, they loves us! [as Gollum] If they dies, we go get pizza! [gets playfully tackled by the same Husky dog]
[dancing to himself] Yep, yep, come and get it, oh, yeah. [urinating on the tree]
[The tree awakens, and revealed to be the Ent. The Ent looks down and sees Vanilla urinating on him. Furious, the Ent crushes Vanilla, who looks up and screamed in terror, with his foot. We cut to the cracks of Mount Doom]
Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!! [Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall] Corey! You saved me, bro.
You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]
Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!
Um friends, remember me fondly...in Stand By Me...and in The Lost Boys...only the fist half. [sunken down] Oh, a-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh... [dies]
[Back to the Surreal Life House]
Next time on the Surreal Life...
Well, uh...well, Ron and I had to check out a suspicious meteor.
[We cut to Planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back where the Probe Droid is floating around. Ron dressed up as Chewbacca, roared at the Probe Droid to distract him. Then Eric uses the blaster to shoot the Probe Droid]
Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?
Not guilty, your honor.
This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!
[Dog busts into the courtroom with a gun]
Oh my God! He's got a gun!
Nobody listened to me before! Jack must die! [starts going postal in the courtroom]
Tune in next time when every dog has its day.
It started to rain at a quarter to two
When the children both cried,
"We've got nothing to do!"
They played their ker-plunkers and spun their spin-daddies,
Why, they even found mother's vibrate-a-ratties.
When suddenly, there came a knock at the door.
The boy nudged his sister:
"Go get it, you whore!"
She rose from her seat and walked towards the noise.
"Who could it be?"
She hoped it was boys.
But what entered the house through the fog oh so thick
Was the Cat in the Hat with an enormous dick.
He sang a short song and played a few toots,
When all of a sudden, he noticed poor Boots.
The boy searched around for a pen and a pad.
"This guy's a pro, much better than dad."
But before the two children could learn a new trade,
The Cat pushed them outside,
"I'm trying to get laid!"
So with nowhere to go but over the hill,
The children set off to the town of Whoreville.
They passed a few vagrants, a hooker, a corpse,
Trying their best not to vomit, of course.
Though it got very hard as they passed by a can,
Where a man tried to [Bleep] out some Blue Eggs and Spam.
Finally, they arrived at their mom's place of work,
As a jolly old man walked out with a smirk.
It was Itchy McGray, who was there every day,
And though his doctors sure pleaded, he could not stay away.
He had caught whore diseases, he has picked at whore scabs,
Why, he even picked up a case of "whore crabs."
But, all of a sudden, he started to run,
Because the children's drunk father showed up with a gun!
He was mean, he was mad, he was seven feet tall,
But the bulge in his pants was two sizes too small.
Which may have explained why he went on a spree,
Of shooting the whores as they started to flee.
"One bitch, two bitch, old bitch, new bitch!"
He said with a laugh as their bodies did twitch.
He stared at his wife as he squeezed on his GLOCK.
"I know it's your job, but why'd you Hop on my Pop?"
"We needed the cash,"
She said through her tears,
"And besides, you haven't touched me in years.
But I've got just the thing!"
She knew just what to do.
"Let's go home right now and make three kids, not two."
And so, the kids' father got his own way,
And the bulge in his pants grew three sizes that day.
And the low-income family began life anew...
...At least 'til next month, when the rent would come due.
One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played "hooky" from school. He was chillin' on the stoop, just peachin' on the block...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
What, what!
[Morton bends down close to the rock and listens]
Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville. [The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background] They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
What, what!
[The screen cuts back to Morton]
Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive. [Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids] He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
[stammering] M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your C-C-C-COCK for that crack!
[A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo]
Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
What, what!
[The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams]
[in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?
Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.
Does he always live in the North Pole?
Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Wow! Tell me more about Santa!
Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.
[Cut to Santa at the studio]
[recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?
Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Santa's the coolest!
He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]
Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.
[As Billy's dad closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]
[memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.
[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]
The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.
There once was a bird with a very happy life. He had a nice nest, a nice car, hot wife. But one day he gave his bedroom door a push to see a bird in her hand...and two in the bush. The next day at his job as a bird on the Wire. He showed up too late, and his boss said "You're fired!" On his drive home on the radio feed, "The fat pigs on Wall Street have all the seed!" [and on the TV, more menacing words: "This land's for the pigs, not for the birds!"] His nest repossessed, to his family a stranger. He felt a new feeling...could this be anger? He found other birds with ruffled-up feathers and said, "If you're mad as hell, then let's flock together!" They loaded him into a gigantic sling aimed at the palace of the evil Pig King. He sailed toward the tyrants, blocking the sun! The bird revolution had finally begun!
[Bird hits concrete, falls]
[sitting in his room, playing with an iPad] Aw, dang it.
In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy, for the Lorax had opened one hell of a movie. The studio's happy, the parties were tasteful, but poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful.
[confused] This sucks.
He complained, as they toasted Cristal.
They haven't been listening to me at all.
Then out popped the moolah, anmarvelous chap, while the Loraxnndroned on with his usual crap.nnMy name is the Lorax.nnI speak for the trees.nnBut the mubbulous moolahnjust did one of these.nnAnd, rolling his eyes, interrupted...nOh, please.nnOur planet is [bleep] and you'renearnest as hell, but thatnnhippity-dippity crap doesn't sell.nnWe can all make a difference,nno matter how tiny!nnHe said, and the moolah shot back...nGod, you're whiny.nnNobody likes a shrill liberal shouter.nnSo I fixed up your filmnwith my new message-outer.nnIt snipped out your message.nnDude, morals are lame.nnThe real money's made innthe merchandise game.nnAnd then, with a big, mightynroar from his trunk, appearednnHorton the Elephant washing his junk.nnOh, Lorax.nn...said Horton.nnI know how you feel.nnI once had a wholengoody-goody-type spiel.nnA person's a person no matter how small!nnLet me tell you -- that [bleep]ndidn't catch on at all.nnSo I got a new look, a newnname, something blunter.nnI've re-branded myself nownas Horton: Who hunter.nnFrom the shadows, the catnin the hat overheard andnnapproaching the Lorax said...nWhat up, nerd?!nnYou taught the kids to responsibly play.nnBut the cat in the hat said...nThat crap didn't pay!nnForget cleaning house.nnI'm straight cleaning up, guy!nnNow I'm off to go hang with Jamiroquai.nnI'm living the dream, and ifnparents are pissed, they can putnnin a call to my new publicists--nthing 1 and thingnn2, they're both on my payroll.nnThe Lorax was stunned.nnHoly crap!nnWhat an a-hole!nnNo more!nn...said the Lorax.nnNo more of these speeches!nnHow 'bout just one more?nnYou remember the sneetches?nnWe once had a message, andna good one, too, bro.nnBut did we get a movie?nnWell, did we?nnAll: Hell, no!
We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us? So [bleep] it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!
There's my house. It's 12 stories with 40 jacuzzis, 6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies. It's what it's about, ma'am. It's capitalism.
And the Lorax responded with geysers of jism. Thanks to the moolah, that marketing whore, he could finally see what he hadn't before.
I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Herschel, a toyline, a lunchbox, an iHop commercial.
Then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoked -- till the day he contracted AIDS and then croaked...
WHAT?!
This is George. He's a monkey in Africa. He's very curious. One day, a man in a yellow hat came along. George accidentally scratched the man with the yellow hat.
Ow!
But George gave the man such an adorable sorry face. He decided to take George to live with him in New York City. The man in the yellow hat was feeling sick, so George went out to explore by himself. George was so curious, he put his mouth on everything! After a few days, George thought he saw the man in the yellow hat, but it was a different man in yellow. Then George saw the biggest bird he'd ever seen. And then it took a poop- [gasps] OH MY GOD! GEORGE, RUN! GEORGE, STOP BEING CURIOUS FOR ONE FREAKING MINUTE! TAKE COVER!!
It's hard to find a great-tasting breakfast that won't raise my cholesterol.
Did somebody ask for a tasty breakfast?! Nothing beats the taste of oats and honey.
It's Great! [He bangs the table then buzz bee gets his Stinger stuck to the kid's arm]
WHAT THE [BLEEP]?!
AWWCH!
No! No! Oh, my God, NO! This can't be HAPPENING!
[Confused] It'll bee okay, bee. You'll be okay.
Yeah, yeah. I'll be okay. I'll just... [Groans; he Gets unstuck but his abdomen breaks he screams as ooze is coming out of his abdomen The kids see the blood of his abdomen then falls down] It's so cold. Oh, my heart ... I can feel it slowing down. Oh. Oh, it stopped. I'm ... I'm so scared.
Honey Nut Cheerios has oats that'll help lower cholesterol. part of this nutritious breakfast.
So, what went wrong, Peppa?
What went wrong? [frustrating] Every single [Bleep]in' thing!
♪ All right ♪
I'm a cartoon pig whose whole purpose in life is to make mistakes so kids learn from 'em. Mistake number one: splashing around in a puddle without first checking my surroundings. [Later, her friends are arguing over the monkey] You dickies soiled me monkey! - [Gasps] Oh! Get me a new one by tomorrow, or it's your loaf of bread, pig.
There, there, Peppa. [Bleats]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Robot Chicken pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
