[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]
Billy JoelHey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?
Billy Joel
And what do you do?
Billy Joel
How long will you do that, do you think?
DDavy
Uh, probably for life.
Billy Joel
Cool. "Davy" rhymes with "navy." That's convenient.
DDavy
What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!
Billy Joel
No problem, Davy. [smiles; prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to him tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it] I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! [laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]
[A caption then appears saying "Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974." Another caption appears that says "Today it is most downloaded iTunes song." A final caption appears and says "Davy's body was never recovered."]
[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]
Billy Joel
[singing] Pete is a real estate novelist.
Pete [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that's me!
Billy Joel
[singing] That's a cute way of saying "Pete's broke."
Billy Joel
[singing] I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,
Billy Joel
[singing] Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. [Pete looks horrified] My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. [a man puts money in Billy's tip jar] They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
Billy Joel
[singing] If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. [the crowd begins to boo] La, da, di, da, da! [pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent] La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! [smiles as the song ends. Later, outside the bar, he counts his "earnings"] Great. All singles.
PPete
[off-screen in a creepy voice] Hey Joel. [comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. He wipes his brow and sighs happily. His phone rings and he answers, also happily]
PSPete's agent
Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
PPete
[closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as he looks to the sky] POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!
Billy
[in bed] Dad, is Santa Claus real?
BSBilly's Dad
Of course, Santa Claus is real. Who do you think? He brings you your presents.
Billy
Does he always live in the North Pole?
BSBilly's Dad
Actually, he grew up right here in Chicago. [the scene shows Santa plays baseball] He even played for the Cubs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Billy
Wow! Tell me more about Santa!
BSBilly's Dad
Well, let's see. Oh, he loves Robot Chicken! He's even done voices on the show.
[Cut to Santa at the studio]
[recording his voice] You worthless d-bags wouldn't let him play your reindeer games.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Billy
He sounds funny! Do you think he would've been friends growing up?
BSBilly's Dad
Sure! He was just like you! [the scene shows Santa as a baby] The apple of his parents' eye. [cut back to him and Billy] He had a huge crate of toys and loved to play. [the scene shows Santa, still as a baby, dancing to the music] And he was very funny. Always a barrel of laughs.
[Cut back to Billy and his dad]
Billy
Santa's the coolest!
BSBilly's Dad
He sure is, Billy. Now, you better go to sleep so Santa can do his job. [leaves]
Billy
Goodnight, Dad. Merry Christmas.
[As Billy's dad closes the door, Billy, sees the Chicago flag above him in shock as his dad's words repeated in his head]
BSBilly's Dad
[memory] He grew up right here in Chicago. [he sees the Chicago Cubs flags on the wall] He even played for the Cubs. [he also sees his toy robot and his rubber chicken] He loves Robot Chicken! [he sees the apple logo on his computer] The apple of his parents' eye. [he backs away and accidentally knocks his mug on the floor; deep voice] Barrel of laughs.
[Billy runs out of his room to check the Christmas tree in the living room, and sees that there are no presents under the tree yet. In relief, Billy went back to bed. Then Billy's dad peeked that his son went to bed, and start putting presents under the tree]
The greatest trick Billy's Dad ever played, convincing his son that Santa exists.
Robot Chicken · 315 quotes
