Morty quotes from Rick and Morty

[holding up the device and smiling] Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! [Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away] You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.

I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!

I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.

Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place!

You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun!

Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is?

Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots?

Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.

Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure.

Every tenth.

Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! [Beth comes in]

Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.

Washing dishes?

No! The opposite. Can you fix it? [Summer comes in]

Summer

Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework?

Yeah, d— Just don't do it.

Summer

Grandpa! [Jerry comes in]

Jerry

Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?

Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family.

Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk!

Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... [rummages box and holds a cube] this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— [a blue man poofs out of nowhere]

I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!

You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.

Yessiree!

—the Meeseeks fulfils the request... [Meeseeks opens jar]

All done!

Jerry

Wow!

—and then it stops existing. [Meeseeks poofs away]

Summer

Oh, my God! He exploded!

Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... eh-keep your requests simple. They're not gahh-ods.

All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win!

Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and murder him?!"

Th-th— But that's not how it went down!

Oh well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.

Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Reehh-al straightforward and fun.

Jerry

Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.

You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!

Jerry

Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...

[opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."

Jerry

I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.

[rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry

My marriage is FINE, thank you.

Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!

Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Alright, Morty, I just gotta erhp combine it with some of your DNA.

Oh well, okay. [unzips]

A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't Game of Thrones. [pluck]

Ow!!

Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberg-ed the world up, didn't I? We got a... whole planet of Cronenbergs walkin' around down there, Morty. A-At least they're not in love with you anymore, though, that's a huge step in the right direction.

Oh, my god! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?!

ME irresponsible?! You-- All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted to be-- Wanted me to buckle down and make you up a... roofie-juice serum, so you could roofie that poor girl at your school! [stammering] I mean, w-w-w-w-w w-- Are you kidding me, Morty?! You're gonna try to take the high road on this one?! Y-y-y-y-you're a little creep, Morty! Y-you're a-- You're-you're-you're just a little creepy... creep person!

All right, fine! I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something, you know what?! You gotta accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who-who-who-who haphazardly, y'know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of CRONENBERGS! You gotta fix this, Rick!

All right, Morty, here we are.

[horrified] OH MY GOD, RICK! IS THAT US?! W-W-W-WE'RE DEAD! WHAT IS GOING ON, RICK?! I'M FREAKING OUT...!

[grabbing and shaking him] Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

I CAN'T TAKE IT! NO...!

You gotta calm-- Calm yourself, Morty...!

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS...!

Morty! Calm down, Morty...!

THIS CAN'T BE REAL..!

Morty! You gotta calm down, Morty!

WE'RE RIPPED APART...!

Will you listen to me, Morty...?!

W-W-W-W--!

[smacks him] SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! It's fine! Everything is fine! There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality, and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now help me with these bodies.

This is insane!

[lifting his alternate self's body] Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, tha-th-th-that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.

Rick! What about the reality we left behind?!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is, don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. [drags his body away, then comes back] I-I-I don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so... again, you're welcome.

Look, I'm not paying 70 (erh) smidgens for a (ERHH) broken defraculator.

That is multiphase quantum resonator.

Well, does it defraculate?

Fuck, no.

Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator.

Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!!

Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know?

Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop.

Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know?

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know?

Okay. 60 (erhp) for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is not okay!

What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway!

So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate!

I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet!

Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?!

Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?!

All right, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games only!

I hate video games!!

You take that back!! [they fight over the remote] Give it to me!! [pushes Morty Jr.] I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry!

[runs to the door] I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with you!!

No! No, no, no! Stop!!

My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! [runs into the street] Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? [she glares at him] I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer—

Summer

No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it.

Can I show you something?

Summer

Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident!

[points outside] THAT, out there? That's my grave.

Summer

[understandably confused] Wait, what?

On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse!

Summer

[deeply shocked] So…you're not my brother?

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. [beat] …Come watch TV?

Hey, Morty, lemme-- [burps] lemme-- [burps again] lemme ask you a question real quick: does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?

Um...

Rhetorical question, Morty. The answer is yes, you just have to be a genius. [scans the microscope from Mr. Needful; an "IQ" bar on the laptop drops to nearly 0] Cute. Your sister’s boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Ooh! Oh boy, Rick. I don’t think you’re allowed to say that word, you know?

Uh, Morty, I’m not disparaging the differently-abled. I’m stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

Okay, yeah, but I don’t think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.

Well, that's retarded.

Jerry

Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.

Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that.

Jerry

Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system?

Um... [holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie] I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A.

Butter.

Jerry

But—

You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. [Jerry begins to shut the door] And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know?

Jerry

Oh, I, uh... I think I understa—

You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.

Jerry

I get it. Say no more.

I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing something.

Jerry

I got it! Noted! Good night!

Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place?

The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Council of Ricks?

As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the [yells] INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me!

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers!

Hey, check this out! [presses Morty doll]

Show me the Morty!

Dumb.

Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured—

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the uuueh sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

(Bleep) me, pal.

"(Bleep) you"? No, no, no, no, no, (Bleep) ME!

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage.

Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. [picks his pen] See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, [writes diagram] the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves.

Um... because... our personalities are so different?

Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.

Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures!

Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later?

Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

[In slow motion] Jessica.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

I can't believe she's here.

Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty? Go. Talk to her. [He shoves Morty away. Morty follows Jessica.]

Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler?

Summer

I thought everyone was welcome.

It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out [belch] it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser.

Rick... you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being! But I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY! [accidentally nudges at Brad]

Whoa! What's up, man?

I have no quarrel with you, boy.

"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?

It's just-- L-Look, I-I-I don't know how you thought I mean it, but... [shrugs at Rick]

Don't look at me, dude.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so...

So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!

No, but... [strains] Y'know—

What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?!

Leave him alone, Brad!

Stay outta this, Jessica!

KICK HIS ASS, BRAD! [everyone starts chanting] KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS!

Brad! [runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]

Rick!!

[pushes him] Just did you a favor, Morty.