Morty quotes from Rick and Morty

Morty, do you know what wubba lubba dub dub means?

Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.

It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, I am in great pain. Please help me.

Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically.

No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.

Come on... uh—

Bird Person.

Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole!

Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.

Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick!

My people have another saying. Gubba nub nub doo rah kah. It means, Whatever lets you sleep at night.

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?!

Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."

Or...?

We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.

How do you know that I—

Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!

Huh, what do ya know—it's working. [the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly] Oh... shit!

What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four!

That hurt! That was painful!

Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both uhh-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! [talk differently at the same time] You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass!

Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself!

All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?

Yes.

All right, perfect. Sit still, arr-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa.

You mean drunk?

What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go!

No.

And awaaay we go! [presses his button but no response] Huh, that's weird.

Huh, that's weird. [keeps pressing to no avail] Oh my God.

What? / Oh my God.

What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! [both Ricks tinker time-device]

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?!

Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore!

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ehh-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! [chuckling] I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now.

Rick, what the hell are you doing?!

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you!

Who?!

Me! [Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]

You see that?! Get down! [shoots upwards at Rick 1]

I told you! He's a psycho!

He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy!

I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap!

Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! [all Mortys and Summers do so] Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! [all Ricks shoot their cupboards] URAAAHHHH!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!!

Okay, wait here.

I wanna come with!

Don't come with. It's boring, it's... [burp] it's business stuff.

What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady.

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. [someone knocks his window] Aw, crap. Hey, what's up?

Hey, Rick! [laughs] Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty.

Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa.

[groans] Here, go away! [K. Michael opens case]

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, [hands Morty a card] please give me a call.

You're g— you're giving him a card?!

[cont'd] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. [leaves]

You sell weapons to killers for money?!

Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these?

Uh, what?

An entire afternoon at BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!

Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

I could not agree more. [sings]

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low.

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

Jerry

But I've known him my whole life!

No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.

Steve wasn't real?!

He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer

Someone?

Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooooh-wee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

[holding Rick at gunpoint] All right, you listen to me, you son-of-a-bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way, you know? Y-Y-Y-You wanna live? Then open the blast shield doors.

[restrained by Baby Wizard and Duck With Muscles] Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed too!

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

O-O-Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of shit, Morty!

O-Oh yeah?!

Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass, and about six of them are pleasant! The rest is annoying garbage! So why don't you do us both a favor and PULL THE TRIGGER?! DO IT! DO IT, MOTHERFUCKER! PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!

Oh, wow, Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife!

What the hell?

I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

[remembers several moments where he caused Morty to suffer] Holy crap, Morty, you're right!

Is-- Isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

[evasively] Well... yeah, d-doy. T-Took you long enough. [opens a hidden compartment filled with weapons] Now let's go, Morty. We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

Summer

OH MY GOD! [covers her eyes]

[covering himself] I-I-I thought you went to a concert!

Summer

We forgot the tickets! WHY IN THE KITCHEN?!

I DO IT EVERYWHERE, STOP SHAMING ME!

Summer

YOU'RE NOT THE VICTIM HERE!

I HATE YOU AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR FRIEND GRACE!

From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.

Jerry

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh, fuck...!

[shocked] Wait, but I--

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh Beth, why?!

Jerry

[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.

Summer

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!

I-I thought--

Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?

Oh geez! Oh my god!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...

Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t "get schwifty".

Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!

[clumsily piloting a helicopter] I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!

Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck!

[phased into a room] Oh, man! Where are we, Rick?

Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— [burps] when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."

All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing?!

W-W-W-Whoa... People?

Ugh... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something.

Whoa!

Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something!

Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. [shows hologram] I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's slavery!

It's society! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps!

Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Zeep, this is Rick, the alien!

Zeep

[pretending to think] Rick the alien... Rick the alien...

Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!

Zeep

I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.

OOOOH, SNAP!

Zeep

You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? [Rick flexes his bones] This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... [scoffs, Rick mouths his words] This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

[burps] Told you, Zeep.

Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Zeep

That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... [turns to Rick]

What?

Zeep

Wait a minute... [grabs him] Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?!

Microverse!!

Uh, teenyverse.

[Zeep removes his antenna headband] Ugh! You bastard!! [removes Zeep's mask]

Zeep

Much obliged! [pummels into Rick fighting each other]

What the hell is happening?

This is healthy. Trust me.

You're my battery, motherfucker! [punches Zeep] That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!!

Are they not really aliens?

Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know?

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

[laughs] Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... [Kyle walks away] You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. [Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon] Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!!

Teenyverse.

Zeep

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it!

Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?!

Don't make things worse, Rick! [to Zeep] Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car--

Zeep

[aghast] THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?!

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker!