Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

Jerry

But I've known him my whole life!

No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.

Steve wasn't real?!

He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer

Someone?

Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooooh-wee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!

Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

[grunts] But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from Walmart, they're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! [exits, comes back] Nintendo, give me free stuff.

Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that!

Don't overreact, Rick.

[holding Rick at gunpoint] All right, you listen to me, you son-of-a-bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way, you know? Y-Y-Y-You wanna live? Then open the blast shield doors.

[restrained by Baby Wizard and Duck With Muscles] Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed too!

You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.

O-O-Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of shit, Morty!

O-Oh yeah?!

Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass, and about six of them are pleasant! The rest is annoying garbage! So why don't you do us both a favor and PULL THE TRIGGER?! DO IT! DO IT, MOTHERFUCKER! PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER!

Oh, wow, Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife!

What the hell?

I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!

[remembers several moments where he caused Morty to suffer] Holy crap, Morty, you're right!

Is-- Isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?

[evasively] Well... yeah, d-doy. T-Took you long enough. [opens a hidden compartment filled with weapons] Now let's go, Morty. We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.

Jerry

This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.

At least we're real, Jerry. We're real! Rikki-Tikki-Tavi!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ooh-wee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Huh. I-I-Is something wrong, Beth?

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh, fuck...!

[shocked] Wait, but I--

Mr. Poopybutthole

Oh Beth, why?!

Jerry

[on the phone] I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting, my wife shot... Uh, my-- My wife shot a long-time family friend.

Summer

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, Mr. Poopybutthole!

I-I thought--

Keep breathing! Look at me! Look at me! Don't-- Don't fall asleep!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Is this what bleeding to death is? Oh-wee... Is this how I die?

Oh geez! Oh my god!

Mr. Poopybutthole

Why would you do this, Beth? It's not supposed to hurt, I-I thought... ooh-wee...

I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Uhh-Earth shows them it’s got... [dramatically] a hit song!

You mean like Vivaldi?

No, Frasier - a live performance of a newly written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.

All right, all right, thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. [silence] The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies” - you people haven’t heard of The-Dream?

You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

How do you know about that?

For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps!

Sir? Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy - they’re all dead.

What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t "get schwifty".

Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!

Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped.

Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song.

Well, do you think, maybe--? Could you give me some help with it, or--?

Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame, you know what I'm saying?

Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ihh-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too!

Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man.

What? Why not?

Yo, this is why. [his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]

What the fuck?! You can turn into ice?!

My story begins at the dawn of time, in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet!

Take it from me, Ice. Youuu can't just eh-float around space not caring about stuff forever.

Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. [blasts away through the ceiling like a rocket]

[phased into a room] Oh, man! Where are we, Rick?

Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— [burps] when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."

All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.

Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing?!

W-W-W-Whoa... People?

Ugh... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something.

Whoa!

Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something!

Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. [shows hologram] I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's slavery!

It's society! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

That just sounds like slavery with extra steps!

Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

Zeep, this is Rick, the alien!

Zeep

[pretending to think] Rick the alien... Rick the alien...

Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!

Zeep

I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.

OOOOH, SNAP!

Zeep

You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? [Rick flexes his bones] This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... [scoffs, Rick mouths his words] This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

[burps] Told you, Zeep.

Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Zeep

That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... [turns to Rick]

What?

Zeep

Wait a minute... [grabs him] Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?!

Microverse!!

Uh, teenyverse.

[Zeep removes his antenna headband] Ugh! You bastard!! [removes Zeep's mask]

Zeep

Much obliged! [pummels into Rick fighting each other]

What the hell is happening?

This is healthy. Trust me.

You're my battery, motherfucker! [punches Zeep] That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!!

Are they not really aliens?

Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know?

So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

[laughs] Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... [Kyle walks away] You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. [Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon] Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!!

Teenyverse.

Zeep

Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it!

Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?!

Don't make things worse, Rick! [to Zeep] Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car--

Zeep

[aghast] THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?!

Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker!

Summer

Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!

Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now.

Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

Summer

Well, what are we going to do?!

We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson!

Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn't get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news...

Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? [changes channel]

Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson.

Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! [drags conjoined Michael] Stop tugging, Michael!

Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins!

You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news!

Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name!

Hey, flip back to the news!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could tell our parents started with naming with him. [the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side] It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer

I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time?

Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."

[throws papers at Pichael's face] Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!

Summer

Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION!

Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet?

I don't wanna talk about it!

Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?

The general store ought to have what you need.

Thanks.

Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.

Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why?

Sundown is when the Festival begins.

The Festival?

Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace.

Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence!

That's right!

What?!

It's like The Purge, Morty! Th-That movie, The Purge?

Oh, have you been here before?

No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge.

Th-That's horrible!

Yeah. [beat] You wanna check it out?