Rick quotes from Rick and Morty

All right, Morty, here we are.

[horrified] OH MY GOD, RICK! IS THAT US?! W-W-W-WE'RE DEAD! WHAT IS GOING ON, RICK?! I'M FREAKING OUT...!

[grabbing and shaking him] Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty!

I CAN'T TAKE IT! NO...!

You gotta calm-- Calm yourself, Morty...!

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS...!

Morty! Calm down, Morty...!

THIS CAN'T BE REAL..!

Morty! You gotta calm down, Morty!

WE'RE RIPPED APART...!

Will you listen to me, Morty...?!

W-W-W-W--!

[smacks him] SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! It's fine! Everything is fine! There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality, and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now help me with these bodies.

This is insane!

[lifting his alternate self's body] Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, tha-th-th-that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.

Rick! What about the reality we left behind?!

What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is, don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. [drags his body away, then comes back] I-I-I don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so... again, you're welcome.

Look, I'm not paying 70 (erh) smidgens for a (ERHH) broken defraculator.

That is multiphase quantum resonator.

Well, does it defraculate?

Fuck, no.

Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator.

Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!!

Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart.

Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know?

Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop.

Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know?

Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?

Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know?

Okay. 60 (erhp) for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot.

What is my purpose?

You pass butter.

[looks down at itself for a moment] Oh my god...

Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.

Hey, Morty, lemme-- [burps] lemme-- [burps again] lemme ask you a question real quick: does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?

Um...

Rhetorical question, Morty. The answer is yes, you just have to be a genius. [scans the microscope from Mr. Needful; an "IQ" bar on the laptop drops to nearly 0] Cute. Your sister’s boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Ooh! Oh boy, Rick. I don’t think you’re allowed to say that word, you know?

Uh, Morty, I’m not disparaging the differently-abled. I’m stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.

Okay, yeah, but I don’t think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.

Well, that's retarded.

Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes.

Everything's deductible.

Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money! You know, like how every store in the world works?

Oh, look, it’s Rosemary’s Baby! How's business?

Summer

Here’s the last of our inventory. We’re going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.

Sounds like code for "You win, Rick!"

Summer

That was important to you, wasn’t it?

Nope, it was important to your dumb devil friend. To me, this was all just a bit, like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for twenty minutes.

Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place?

The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks.

Council of Ricks?

As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the [yells] INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.

Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me!

Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me.

Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers!

Hey, check this out! [presses Morty doll]

Show me the Morty!

Dumb.

Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured—

Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being a Rick.

Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, terror-Rick.

Hey, save your Rick rules for the uuueh sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.

(Bleep) me, pal.

"(Bleep) you"? No, no, no, no, no, (Bleep) ME!

You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.

Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage.

Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?

Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. [picks his pen] See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, [writes diagram] the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves.

Um... because... our personalities are so different?

Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?

Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.

Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures!

Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later?

Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?

[In slow motion] Jessica.

Knock it off, Slow Mobius!

Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!

I can't believe she's here.

Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty? Go. Talk to her. [He shoves Morty away. Morty follows Jessica.]

Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.

Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler?

Summer

I thought everyone was welcome.

It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out [belch] it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser.

Rick... you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being! But I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY! [accidentally nudges at Brad]

Whoa! What's up, man?

I have no quarrel with you, boy.

"Boy"? What's that supposed to mean?

It's just-- L-Look, I-I-I don't know how you thought I mean it, but... [shrugs at Rick]

Don't look at me, dude.

Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so...

So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!

No, but... [strains] Y'know—

What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?!

Leave him alone, Brad!

Stay outta this, Jessica!

KICK HIS ASS, BRAD! [everyone starts chanting] KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS!

Brad! [runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]

Rick!!

[pushes him] Just did you a favor, Morty.

This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.

And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?!

Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."

Or...?

We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.

How do you know that I—

Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!

Huh, what do ya know—it's working. [the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly] Oh... shit!

What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four!

That hurt! That was painful!

Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both uhh-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out!

Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! [talk differently at the same time] You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass!

Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself!

All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?

Yes.

All right, perfect. Sit still, arr-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa.

You mean drunk?

What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go!

No.

And awaaay we go! [presses his button but no response] Huh, that's weird.

Huh, that's weird. [keeps pressing to no avail] Oh my God.

What? / Oh my God.

What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

What?! [both Ricks tinker time-device]

Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?!

Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore!

He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ehh-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! [chuckling] I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now.

Rick, what the hell are you doing?!

Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you!

Who?!

Me! [Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]

You see that?! Get down! [shoots upwards at Rick 1]

I told you! He's a psycho!

He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy!

I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap!

Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! [all Mortys and Summers do so] Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! [all Ricks shoot their cupboards] URAAAHHHH!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!!

Okay, wait here.

I wanna come with!

Don't come with. It's boring, it's... [burp] it's business stuff.

What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady.

Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. [someone knocks his window] Aw, crap. Hey, what's up?

Hey, Rick! [laughs] Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty.

Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa.

[groans] Here, go away! [K. Michael opens case]

Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, [hands Morty a card] please give me a call.

You're g— you're giving him a card?!

[cont'd] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. [leaves]

You sell weapons to killers for money?!

Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these?

Uh, what?

An entire afternoon at BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!

Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own.

It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

I could not agree more. [sings]

SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low.

"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next?

After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation.

Oh, goody.

From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god.

[belches] I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one.

Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change.

Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right?

Hm. Why is that, I wonder?

Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. [they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]

Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes!

Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.