A character in Rick and Morty
You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other!
So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that iiif-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?
No! Why... why would I do that?! You do that?!
I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty.
[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]
Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival!
Wh-what-what do you mean?
I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival!
[still frenzied] FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!!
Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little.
"PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK!
Morty, yehh-you're acting like a ehh-freaking lunatic. Calm down.
SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]
Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?
Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
How could you be so dishonest with this family?!
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!
Hey, Tammy was cool!
And now we know why!
Because of you!
Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.
Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!
I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.
Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.
Wait, what?! / What?!
Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.
Us?!
Jerry—
I want to go home!
Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?
What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?
[calculates] "765 known planets."
How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?
"Three."
See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!
Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?
Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.
Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!
[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]
South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.
[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?
Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!
There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!
That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.
Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.
That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.
Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?
Yes!
WHY?!
Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!
I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable... so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories.
Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? [Cornvelious Daniel squeals] Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?
It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.
Yeah, well, tough titties. [the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]
There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.
Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty.
Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my--
[grabs him] Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.
Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty!
Oh, geez...
He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away!
Oh, fuck...!
I've replaaaaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe.
Oh, man...
Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it!
You're gonna deny it...
And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty!
What are you talking about?
Because that's-- that's what this is all about, Morty!
"Szechuan"?
That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce!
"Nuggets"?
I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty!
What the hell?!
If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty!
What are you talking about, Rick?!
That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty!
What are you talking about?!
Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce!
What is that?!
[The garage closes]
For 97 more years, Morty!
What are you talking about?!
I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!
Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!
It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.
You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.
That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.
Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?
All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.
Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.
Vindicators. Worldender is back, and this time he's out to end more than worlds. We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on--
[looking bored] My balls.
Rick!
Rick, is this a Saw thing? Are you seriously Sawing the Vindicators?
Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack.
If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in [burps] Saaaaw...
Screw this. I'm not playing his game. I'm gonna find us a way out of here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, Vance. He said you'd die if you tried to leave. That means there's booby traps.
Why are you acting like that's not you?!
What part of "blackout" don't you understand? I thought you drank.
[panicking] Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho trailer-park shit!
Vance, stay calm...
Oho, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with!
Okay, ouch, but--
[hyperventilating] Okay, okay. Th-this is triggering me. I need space. I need space... FROM THIS!
[Vance flies towards an air duct in the ceiling and tries to escape through it, only to have his upper body gruesomely torn apart by one of Rick's traps. His legs fly around the room until Crocubot blows them up]
[grabs Rick by the throat] Give me one reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe.
Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defence mesh. [Alan receives an electric shock and gets knocked back] And because, like I said, I don't remember last night.
[to Supernova] I told you not to bring this mummified motherfucker back!
Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.
What the hell is "Is-ra-el"?
I-It's just something Rick starts talking about when he's blackout drunk.
[awkwardly] W-What? In w-- In w-w-what-- In what way? Like, w-w-what's my point?
In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out!
So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place--
I have no stake in this.
I don't either, I-I'm just saying - if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it, and--
Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you.
Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything.
Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood...
Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.
Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.
I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. [the bomb powers down] Disarmed.
Holy shit, you're jealous!
[On Supernova's affair with Million Ants]
Yes! Is that what you want to hear?!
Did it feel good?! Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent PENIS?!
Guys, stop! You're just proving my asshole grandpa right!
You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together...
WHAT?!
[crying] I conceived a child with Million Ants, AND IT DIED INSIDE ME BECAUSE IT WAS HALF A MILLION ANTS AND HALF COLLAPSING STAR! And yes - he was better than you!
Yeah?!
[morphs into a large tentacled form] One million times better!
ALL ABOOOOOOARD, MOTHERFUCKER!!! [tries to punch Million Ants, who disperses to avoid it]
STOP!
[She traps Alan and Million Ants inside a force field; Million Ants flows into Alan's mouth, making his body swell up and explode, sending his innards splattering everywhere]
Oof! Didn't see that comin'.
Is that sarcasm?! [conjures handcuffs onto Rick and Morty] I don't want you slipping away then this is over! All of these deaths are on your hands!
Oh, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the train guy--
[Supernova hits him in the groin with one of the celestial bodies orbiting her]
All of them.
[pained] Okayyy...
[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake] I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again!
Nobody ever does.
You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!
"I took your family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options!
Oof...
That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!"
[After Toxic Rick toxifies the world, he and Toxic Morty are confronted by their healthy counterparts]
Remember me?
Didn't you learn last time that you can’t beat me?!
Yeah, I did. And then I learned something else. [pulls out a gun] This. [shoots Toxic Morty in the knee, making him scream and collapse in pain] That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, twenty minutes.
You think I give a shit?!
I know you give a shit, dummy. Because I know I don’t. Here's another thing I know: the decryption key that neutralizes the virus. You want it? [pulls out two injections attached by a tube] Come and get it. Merge with me, and you’ll know how to save him.
Pfft! Come on, man, I’ve been trapped in your pussy brain for seventy years of delusions, but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I’ve ever-- [Healthy Rick shoots Toxic Morty in his other knee] JESUS CHRIST! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
He’s cutting your time in half. Ten minutes.
What is your problem?!
Oh, I had all my problems removed. My entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness - my irrational attachments. [Toxic Rick glances at Toxic Morty, his eye twitching] They must be somewhere. They ain't over here, bro.
I'M NOT GOING BACK IN THERE!
Honestly, I don’t care either way. I hate having you in me. And when I say "honestly", you can believe it, because we both know I’m too healthy to lie. Watch. [shoots Toxic Morty in the shoulder]
All right! Knock it off! You’re not impressing anyone! [kneels down and holds Toxic Morty] Morty, not that I give a shit, but are you okay?
Jesus Christ, it hurts...!
Relax, quit your bitching. Y-You’re gonna be fine. Grandpa’s here. [Healthy Rick laughs] You think that’s funny?!
Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things. Oh, wait, you can’t. You’re literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture. I guess it’s just funny because you’ve never done anything but complain about me being in charge, but if I ever gave you the wheel, we’d be dead in five minutes.
[getting weaker] Ah, Rick...
[smugly] You poor, dumb, sick animal.
Rick...
[storming up to Healthy Rick] AAAAARGH!!! JUST DO IT! JUST DO IT, YOU PIECE OF--
[Healthy Rick injects Toxic Rick and himself on the other end of the tube, sucking Toxic Rick back into himself and becoming whole again]
[dancing about] I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds! Check it out! [farts in Healthy Morty's face] Excuse me. Now we’ll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam. Man, I really overthink shit when I'm angry.
SummerSpencer Grammer · 56 quotes
SBSpace Beth48 quotes
JerryChris Parnell · 44 quotes
PPresident16 quotes
WDr. Wong5 quotes
Mr. GoldenfoldBrandon Johnson · 5 quotes
RPRick Prime4 quotes
WHWhite House Aide 14 quotes
CChucksley3 quotes
Fear Hole DemonLiev Schreiber · 3 quotes
HMHealthy Morty3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rick and Morty pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Rick and Morty · 269 quotes